Comparative suffering. I've always had that, sometimes I just sit and think
I hate me, theres nothing good abo
ut me, someone asked what I like about myself and I went numb, my hands? My hair?, no everyone has those, I'm not special, I'm also not depressed, how could I be? People are going through worse than me, there's nothing wrong with me? So why am I sad? Am I forcing myself? There's no point, so why am I not just happy? People are suffering way worse than me everyday, so what makes me depressed? I haven't gone through half of what others are going true, I have no right to be sad, In fact I should be happy, but why am I instead sad?
Comparative suffering.
Sometimes I have a lot to say, but there's no one there to tell, no one there to listen, no one. THERES NO ONE.
To my parents: "I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm sorry I can't be the perfect little girl you so badly want, I'm sorry I can't live up to your expectations, I'm sorry I'll never be all of what you want me to be, but please take it easy on me, I'm trying my best, I swear. But instaed I smile like everything's okay.
My mom once asked me why I don't take myself seriously and I laugh like my life's a joke. Probably because it is, but that's not what I said I just smiled.
To Chissy: "I owe you my life, you were there when no one else hurt, yet I hurt you, and I'm sorry, I broke our promises, trust, friendship, but no amount of begging, pleading and crying can take things back to how they were, the days were we'd raise our middle fingers to the world, swearing to always stick to each other's sides" I messed up, big time.
To my 'friends' and classmates: "I know you hate me, it's written across your foreheads in big bold letters but I ignore it, I ig ore the taunting, the mockery, I endure the laughs directed at me, sometimes I even laugh along, just so I can feel wanted and have a place I belong to, I'm a human being with feelings, I know everyone has their thing going on, but sometimes I wish you could ask if I was okay, and give me a shoulder to cry on. But that's not what people like, they like people with big smiles and happy written all over them, I'm not that person, but I can pretend, after all I always have.
Once Chissy said a joke in class, something history and math related, she cracks me up, she has that humor, but no one laughed, I didn't laugh either, just so I could fit in.
I'm sorry.
I know it hurt.
In my mind, Im the happy go lucky person that everyone loves, the perfect student and daughter, but I'm constantly reminded that it's all part of my imagination and it always will be. I'll always be in my sister's shadow. I'll always be everyone's second choice.
I got home that night with a heavy heart, it was one of those nights were you'd cry yourself to sleep, and pray you don't wake up the next day.
I got home that night, picked up my journal and wrote, I wrote to the only thing that would listen.