I woke up, with my heart heavy, I had to drag myself out of bed, into the shower, into the car, and to school, I felt miserable, like my world was collapsing, like life was slipping away from me, if I left would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone cry?, probably not.
I put on that smile, the one that carried burdens, the one that held secrets, the one that masked thousands of tears.
I walked into school my head high, but my spirit? Not so much, I didn't have will anymore, there was nothing pishing me to leave, there was no one. There used to be someone, her, but now she's gone, I lost her, and myself in the process, it was sickening.
I took a deep breath and walked into class, the teacher was going on and on about osmosis, whatever the hell that means, when she told us to partner up for an assignment, I turned to my 'friends' but they had already formed groups "sorry" was all they said but there was no warmth behind it.
I joined another group, I couldn't be alone.
I saw Chissy standing there looking like her world was crumbling, but mine was falling apart, parts of me drifting away slowly with it, but there was nothing I could do, I was loosing myself and I know talking to her would hurt, because.... Because...
I'm stupid.
I walked into the library and saw a girl in a corner, unmistakably her she was crying, she was crying so hard it hurt.
I could only watch.
I couldn't help.
I'll forever hate myself for that.
I left school myself that day, I'd had enough of my 'friends' but I couldn't tell them that because then I'd be alone, with no one. Then maybe I could just end it all. Maybe id finally be free?
I'm being irrational.
I'm being dramatic.
As I walked into my room there was only one thing I wanted to do, I wanted to write, writing helped, it helped a lot, it allowed me cope, it listened.
I got home that night, picked up my journal and wrote, I wrote to the only thing that would listen.