Gruhh… how long?
We've been climbing this stupid mountain for what feels like half a day straight, and I swear I've aged at least five years. My legs are on fire, my soul has left my body twice, and Lexi still has the audacity to hum like we're on a nice little morning walk.
I'm just so fed up with life at this point, I groaned, dramatically flopping onto a rock like a theatre kid in a tragedy. If only—if only—I didn't wish for a chill NPC life, I could've just teleported us over this hellish climb. But nooo... 'I wanna be a normal guy,' 'I want peace and quiet.'
Meanwhile, that lazy sack of starch—the bear—was literally being pulled up by me like a toddler refusing to go to school.
And for what? For what, I ask you?
Just to meet those weird dwarf folks living beyond this cursed mountain, near some old mine like it's a fairy tale side quest.
I wiped the sweat off my face and looked up at the endless stairs of death. Damn those dwarves. Damn that mine. Damn my life choices. Damn this bear. And most of all—damn this mountain.
At this point, even gravity is mocking me.
And I think the bear just farted.
Kill me.
"Miss Lexi… can we please take a break?" I huffed, leaning on my wooden sword like an old man with back problems.
"Eh? What? Nooo, we can't do that, Ryuk!" she chirped like she hadn't just walked a vertical mile without breaking a sweat. "It's not far away anyway—so let's hurry up, my strong hero!"
Strong hero? Lady, I'm about to die dramatically on this slope and be buried by squirrels.
Meanwhile, she's skipping uphill like it's a walk in a flower field, and I'm here dragging a potato bear and my crushed dreams.
At this point, even the bear looked back at me with pity in his eyes.
Strong hero my foot.
I want snacks, a nap, and someone to carry me for once.
Right?! Carry me! I'm freaking three years old, technically! I deserve to be carried! There's no shame in that—I can cry, drool, and act like a baby too if that's what it takes!
"Miss Lexi, I'm not going anywhere anymore unless I'm being carried!" I declared, dramatically plopping down on the rocky path like a royal toddler throwing a rebellion.
Lexi turned, blinking. "Ehh?? When did my gentlemanly, mature Ryuk go?"
I crossed my arms, full slouch mode activated. No, lady. I'm not falling for this 'just a little more' trap again. I've been scammed too many times. This mountain is a lie, your optimism is a trap, and this bear is a traitor.
She just stood there, laughing softly while the bear actually laid down next to me.
See? Even the potato agrees with me.
Lexi walked over slowly, her steps soft, a little too graceful for someone who's been dragging me up a mountain all day. She knelt in front of me, her smile suspiciously sweet.
Then she leaned in close—real close—so close I could smell the wild berries she'd been snacking on. And then, in the softest whisper right against my ear, she said:
"If you climb this mountain with me before sunset… I'll fulfill any one wish of yours."
...Wait what?
My brain had to reboot for a second.
Any one wish?
Like… any wish?
Anything?
I was about to demand to be carried like a royal baby, but suddenly my wishlist expanded into a ten-volume novel.
I cleared my throat, trying to act all noble and brave again.
"Ahm ahm! On second thought," I said, already standing up and pretending my legs didn't feel like soggy noodles, "it's really not that much left to climb on this mountain, right? So… let's hurry up, Miss Lexi!"
Totally not because of the wish.
Not because my imagination already ran wild.
Definitely not because I'm suddenly fueled by mysterious motivation.
Nope. Pure hero spirit.
"Hehe, that's like my Ryuk!" she said with a wink, standing up gracefully and walking ahead.
Naturally, as a respectful and totally not distracted gentleman, my eyes followed her footsteps.
…Definitely her footsteps.
Not the way her hips swayed.
Not the way the wind played with her cloak.
Nope. Just… focused on the path. Yup. That's it. The path.
"I can see your eyes, Ryuk," she said without even glancing back, voice playful and dangerous like a cat who just caught a mouse pretending to be a leaf.
"Ah–uhm–ah, what do you mean, Miss Lexi? It's just… it's my height! I'm looking straight!" I said, standing as tall as my three-year-old dignity allowed.
…And silently praying the mountain wind would carry away my shame.
"On second thought, you're going to walk in front of me!" Lexi said, her voice full of mischief.
"Eh, but I don't know the way..." I lied, trying to avoid the situation.
"Don't worry, my naughty Ryuk, I'll tell you. Now, get ahead of me, or..." she trailed off, leaving the threat hanging like a heavy cloud.
I gulped. If there's one thing I've learned in life—especially with gods and goddesses—it's that when they say "or," things get real complicated real quick.
I just started walking ahead of her, muttering under my breath, "Tch, missed my perfect view."
Of course, it wasn't like I actually wanted to look. Nope, not at all. Totally fine with walking ahead and pretending that my eyes weren't just doing a little wander, checking her out from the corner of my eye. Yeah, right.
I was just making sure she was following me, nothing else. Just checking how... uh, her walk is. Yeah, her walk. Totally focused on that and not at all distracted by, you know, anything else. Definitely not.
After what felt like an eternity of climbing, just as the sun dipped behind the horizon painting the sky in orange and gold, we reached the peak. And there it was—on the other side of the mountain, nestled deep in the valley like a hidden treasure...
The Dwarven Kingdom of Durmarrheim.
Glowing with the warm light of forge fires and lanterns, stone towers poking out from the mountain sides, and sturdy walls wrapped around like the embrace of an ancient guardian—it looked like something straight out of a legend.
Even the lazy potato-bear let out a "gruuhh" of awe.
"Wow!! There's such a masculine aura rising up from down there!!" Lexi said, practically sparkling with excitement. For a second, I swore her eyes turned into glowing hearts. Why is she so hyped to visit a kingdom full of burly dwarf dudes? She's a menace...
Ahem.
"Uhm, Miss Lexi… it's almost sunset now," I said, clearing my throat. "Maybe we should, you know, not climb down a cliff in the dark and just camp here?"
"Ohh, you're right!" she smiled, patting my head like I was some wise toddler prophet.
Heh. Nailed it.
But then I remembered… the wish.
"Oh, and uhm, Lexi… about that one wish you mentioned earlier—"
"Ohhh yes, any one wish," she said, stretching the words with a teasing smile. "Once we set up the tent, my dear Ryuk… you know—'tent'..."
I swear I almost drooled. My brain fired off 17 possibilities, none holy.
"Y-yeah… tent." I nodded, trying to keep my cool.
Focus, Ryuk. You're a former hero, not some lovesick chihuahua. Act like it!
...But damn, "tent" never sounded so tempting.
After setting up the tent, starting the fire, tossing some food over it to cook, and even feeding that freeloading potato-bear some fruits like I was his personal chef—I was finally ready.
Ready for what, you ask?
Heh.
"HAHAHAHA… HAHAHAHAHAAHA!"
(Yes, I actually laughed like a maniac. Don't judge me, this is a very important moment.)
Tonight… was wish night.
And I had 17 different scenarios in mind. Only 2 of them were PG-13.
Your move, Miss Lexi.
Lexi walked back from behind the tree, hair dripping, steam gently rising off her as the last rays of the sun kissed her damp skin. She used the water I summoned with my magic for a quick bath—and now, soaked and sparkling like a goddess of temptation, she looked like she stepped straight out of a daydream.
Damn...
I'm three.
Three!!
What am I supposed to do with this cursed, chibi-sized body when my soul is clearly carrying adult-level thoughts?
Focus, Ryuk… think of the mission… think of—NO don't think of that!
I looked up at her like a confused monk having an inner crisis.
"Uhm… Miss Lexi? About that… one wish?"
She tilted her head, water still dripping down her neck. "Yes, my dear Ryuk? Anything your heart desires~"
Anything…?
What do I do now?
Ask for cookies?
Or commit a crime?
This wish… may just define my sanity.
Ah, my heart desires? Hehe... then yes, I certainly do!
"Miss Lexi, if you'd be so kind as to bless me with a bit of your wisdom on the wonders of the female anatomy—and perhaps allow me the honor of sketching you under the soft glow of a midnight moon—I would be truly grateful."
Funny how life teaches us that the most daring thoughts are best wrapped in the gentlest words.
Lexi blinked.
Then blinked again.
The moonlight gleamed behind her as she stood there, trying to process what this totally innocent, definitely-not-suspicious-at-all three-year-old just said.
"Ryuk…" she said slowly, folding her arms under her—ahem—"womanly wisdom." "Are you asking for an anatomy lesson under the stars while sketching me like one of those noble court painters?"
I straightened my back like a knight giving his oath.
"With utmost respect and curiosity, yes ma'am."
She sighed. "You really are something else."
Then she leaned down, smiling dangerously sweet, and whispered,
"Fine. But just know… if your pencil slips somewhere it shouldn't, I will break it."
I gulped.
"Understood. Science only. Purely educational. May the goddess of art bless this pencil."
My last life taught me many things—never anger a woman, always carry snacks, and when you're asking to draw a near-naked beauty, always use noble language.
With that, Lexi turned around gracefully and sat on a nearby rock — which, in that moment, might as well have been a throne, because the way she sat made it look like even the stone felt blessed.
She slowly let her silken gown slide off her shoulders, and for the briefest of moments — just a flicker in the moonlight — I caught a glimpse of her "womanly wisdom," before she covered herself modestly with one hand, her other resting against the rock for balance.
She sat like a divine painting come to life, angled slightly toward the earth, with the moon casting silver outlines across her skin. An angel? A goddess? A demon sent to torment a 3-year-old body with man's mind? I couldn't tell anymore.
I tried to stay calm. Act like an artist. A scholar. A professional.
Steady hands… steady heart… this is for art… probably.
"Ryuk, are you going to sketch or just keep staring?" she asked with a playful pout.
I blinked rapidly, snapping out of my internal meltdown, my charcoal pencil hovering uselessly over the blank page like my soul teetering on the edge of divine judgment.
"A-Ah yes! Sketching! Of course! Purely professional work here, Miss Lexi!" I said, trying to sound confident while my voice cracked like a teenager hitting second puberty.
She pouted, arms crossed just beneath her—ahem—divine wisdom, leaning slightly forward. "Then stop drooling and start moving that pencil, little artist."
"Right. No drooling. I'm composed. I'm centered. I'm a monk of the arts," I whispered to myself as I finally put pencil to parchment.
And yet… the lines wobbled like my sanity.
Every time I peeked up, she'd tilt her head, teasing smile playing on her lips like she knew exactly what kind of chaos she was putting me through.
"Ryuuuk~," she sang sweetly, "if you mess up the nose again, I will tickle you till you forget your own name."
This woman was dangerous.
Beautiful.
Divine.
And completely evil.
…Why do I feel blessed and cursed at the same time?
"Uhm, Miss Lexi... I was thinking, maybe I could sketch you from the front? It's kinda hard to see your face from this angle."
Yeah, totally just the face I'm talking about.
Lexi narrowed her eyes, clearly not buying a single grain of what I was trying to sell.
"Ohhh~ So now you want the front view, hmm? For the face, of course," she said, drawing out each word like she was slowly slicing through my excuses with a butter knife.
I nodded seriously, trying to maintain the façade of a dedicated artist while sweat dripped down my back like a waterfall.
"Yes! Face structure is very important to capture emotion, depth, personality! The…uh…true essence of a portrait lies in the eyes!"
She raised a brow, lips twitching into a smirk. "Eyes, huh? Not the… front-facing divine hills of emotion?"
I nearly choked on my own breath.
"I—I would never! I mean, not never like never see them—NO! I mean—I'm focused, artistic! Purely professional sketch session here!"
Lexi laughed, finally standing and gracefully wrapping her gown back around her like nothing ever happened.
"Well then, Mr. Professional Artist, I'll pose properly tomorrow—when your 'hand' stops shaking like a squirrel on espresso."
I collapsed on the ground, charcoal falling from my hand as I mumbled, "This is art… this is torture… this is divine punishment…"