It's been two days since we left that on-the-verge-of-death village, and yet—why the hell have we still not covered more than 7 Iop?! (Yeah, that's like 7 kilometers. Don't ask.)
And the reason? That slack of fur, that oversized, lazy sack of walking disappointment we call a bear.
This bear—this actual potato in disguise—can't even walk for more than ten damn minutes without collapsing like he's been through a war. Sleeps for four hours, walks ten minutes, then back to snoring like a retired warrior who just fought Ragnarok.
At this rate?
We ain't reaching our destination in this lifetime.
Maybe in the next one.
If the gods allow.
Or if this bear reincarnates as a vehicle.
"Miss Lexi, allow me to give this bear salvation," I said, solemnly raising my wooden sword like a priest about to bless the damned.
Lexi gasped, placing a gentle hand on my arm. "My, my, Ryuk, don't be so harsh on Mr. Bear! He's doing his best!"
I looked at her, then back at the bear—who, at that very moment, was drooling in his sleep with a leg twitching like he's dreaming of eating honey-covered clouds.
"…His best, huh?" I muttered, lowering my sword.
Even gods cry when they see what 'best' looks like these days…
Wait… gods? I blinked, a strange chill running down my spine. Wait, wait, wait! I was Stellathrone in my last life—I've seen hellfire, fought demon kings—but I never came across an idiot village like this!
I started pacing, hands on my head. No, this doesn't make sense! I used to run at the speed of light! Whole continents bowed to me! And now—now we're crawling at 7 Iop per two days because some bear-shaped sack of carbs can't walk more than ten minutes?!
Then it hit me.
…No. No. Something's off. Why did the demons attack that village out of nowhere? Why is this bear slowing us down? Why is nothing making sense?
I stopped. My eye twitched.
"Astraia," I growled, lifting my wooden sword toward the sky. "It's you, isn't it? I know it's you! Show yourself before I turn this bear into stew!"
As if on cue, a spark popped in the air. A tiny glowing speck floated down, growing into a glowing, eyeball-sized figure with silver wings and an all-too-familiar smirk.
"Thee-hee~ You got me?" Astraia chirped, floating in front of my face like she hadn't just ruined the cosmic balance again.
"Astraia… what's the meaning of this?" I hissed, pointing my wooden sword right at her floating pixie-sized face.
She twirled in the air like she was doing ballet on caffeine. "Hehe~ Ryuk, it's just a small prank!"
I took a deep breath. Don't yell. Don't yell. She's technically a goddess. Who turned your life into a running joke.
"Small prank my ass!" I snapped. "You dumped me in a no-name village, sent us on a journey with a narcoleptic bear, and now demons are showing up like it's demon discount season! Tell me—what are you up to?!"
Astraia blinked innocently. "Ehh~ I don't know what you mean, my dear Ryuk."
My eye twitched. Hard.
This woman—no, this menace in goddess form— I swear on every life I've ever lived, if I don't get a real answer in the next ten seconds, I'm launching her into the stratosphere.
"Astraia, I'm gonna roast this bear alive if you don't spit it out!!" I growled, already channeling heat into my palm like a fireball was in the loading screen.
"NO NO NO WAIT!!" she screamed, zipping in front of me, flailing her tiny arms. "That bear cost me 50 Tryuis!"
I froze. "Fifty Tryuis…?" I repeated slowly, like the words were trying to process through multiple layers of disbelief. "Do you mean… 50 god-currency Tryuis? As in, five million dragon shells??"
She nodded sheepishly, pressing her tiny fingers together. "Hehe… yeah."
"WHA—WHAT!?? YOU FREAKING PAID THAT MUCH ON THIS SACK OF SLEEPING POTATO!?? ARE YOU—ARE YOU ACTUALLY BRAIN-DEAD!?"
"Hehe~ my bad. Maybe I should've bargained more with the Goddess of Wealth," she mumbled, scratching her head.
I took a deep breath. And then another.
This is fine. I'm just being trolled by the literal architect of my life. No big deal.
Just breathe, Ryuk. Don't commit divine murder. Yet.
"Now tell me—what's the deal?" I snapped, glaring at Astraia. "Why are you delaying our journey so much that you even paid that much for this... this... bear-shaped couch cushion, huh?"
She floated in lazy circles, avoiding eye contact like a guilty puppy. "Well, you see, Ryuk... I can't tell you yet. But could you, um... not go there until you turn four?"
"Huh? Why?"
"Well, it's... it's not time yet."
"Time? Time for what, exactly?"
She fidgeted mid-air. "For something... divine."
"Divine?" My eyes twitched. "Don't you dare tell me you're planning to make me drink that Holy Miracle Divine Raindrop bullcrap again. I swear, I'll burn you alive this time."
"Aww, Ryuk, is that how you talk to a goddess?" she pouted dramatically. "Well no, I promise I won't make you drink that raindrop in this life."
"You promise?"
"Yeah! I pinky-promise, cross-my-heart-and-all-that-divine-stuff."
I stared at her suspiciously... then sighed. "Fine. I'll figure out a way to delay the journey. But seriously—do something about this bear. Either kill it or make it act like a bear, not a taxidermy project left out in the sun."
She giggled. "Oh, well... I bought this bear so you could delay. It's supposed to be a dead-potato-bear for the next few months."
My eyebrow twitched so hard it almost flew off. "So what, this lump is your idea of a blessing now?"
She smiled sweetly, winking. "Yup! Let's just say... he's my divine blessing."
"Blessing my ass!!"
"Tata, my dear Ryuk~" Astraia sang, vanishing into thin air with a sparkle like she was leaving behind fairy dust and poor decisions.
I sighed, rubbing my temples just as Lexi turned to me, one brow raised. "Ryuk… who were you talking to? You've been mumbling at thin air for the past five minutes."
I straightened up with all the fake composure I could muster. "Oh? Nothing. Just… practicing my spell chants, Miss Lexi."
She stared at me for a solid second, lips twitching like she wanted to say something sarcastic but held back. "Right… chanting threats and insults at the sky must be a new spell style, huh?"
I coughed. "Advanced technique. Divine-level stuff. You wouldn't get it."
She just shook her head and muttered, "You're weirder than the bear..." before walking off.
And I, left with a sleepy bear and a headache sent straight from the heavens, whispered to myself, This journey's gonna kill me before any demon does.
Idea!!
As Lexi wandered off to gather some fruits, probably muttering about "useless companions" under her breath, a wicked little spark lit up in my mind.
Alright… desperate times call for desperate goddesses.
I glanced around to make sure no one was looking. Then, I cleared my throat and whispered,
"Ahem… My dearest, most radiant, and occasionally annoying Goddess Aqua? You listening? It's me, Ryuk…"
Silence.
No divine music, no magical wind, no glowing light. Just the sound of wind brushing through the trees and that bear's snore sounding like a broken drum.
Guess she's ignoring me. Perfect.
And then—BAM!
A whole tsunami exploded from thin air and slammed into me like I owed the ocean rent.
"GUHHH—!"
I was drenched head to toe before I could even curse properly.
Floating before me was her—Goddess Aqua in all her glory. White and blue silk wrapped elegantly around her, her hair flowing like a waterfall in a wind tunnel, eyes sparkling with the pride of someone who just soaked their favorite mortal for fun.
"Ryuuuuuuk~!" she sang, gleefully gliding toward me like an elegant missile of doom.
And then, of course, she wrapped herself around me.
Tightly.
Making me wet.
No, not that way. I mean literally—drenched. Soaked. Like someone tried baptizing me in a water balloon fight.
Goddess of Water clinging means you get wet, alright?! Not my fault!
"Did you miss meee?" she whispered sweetly.
I coughed, teeth chattering. "Like a cat misses the rain."
"…That means yes, right?"
"…No. Absolutely not."
I recoiled slightly, still dripping wet as Aqua floated closer, her divine energy making the air around us feel like a damp sauna. She smiled, her eyes gleaming with that mischievous light she always had when she was up to something.
"Aww, don't be shy, Ryuk! It's only been... what, three days? No wait, three years? Time flies when you're this adorable!"
She poked my cheek, and I couldn't help but feel a tiny blush rise on my face.
"Stop that, Aqua," I grumbled, swatting her hand away. "You're not my mother, and I'm not some... soft-cheeked baby you can just pinch."
"Oh, but you're so cute when you're grumpy," she teased.
And just like that, she kissed my cheek.
I froze for a second, completely caught off guard. It wasn't a soft kiss or anything romantic—it was more like a playful peck, but I could still feel the warmth of her lips lingering.
"…Not bad, I guess?" I muttered, rubbing my cheek awkwardly. "I mean, if you insist…"
Aqua laughed, her voice as carefree as always. "You're so much fun, Ryuk. It's a shame you can't just enjoy the moments, huh?"
"Yeah, well, I've got a journey to finish... unlike you, who's just here for the fun," I shot back, wiping off the rest of the water from my face.
"Now, what is it you want?" She raised an eyebrow, before i could answer she teased, hovering just out of reach. "I see you've got a bit of a 'bear problem'... Should I do something about that?"
I narrowed my eyes. "And what, you think you can fix my problems by making me drenched and distracted?"
"Well, it's either that or you keep walking around looking like a wet puppy," she giggled, winking at me. "But hey, I'm still working on a few divine things for you. You know, some life-changing... stuff."
"Stuff?" I repeated, skeptical.
"Yep," she said, her eyes sparkling with something that told me I was definitely not going to like it.
"Forget the divine stuff, just do something to make this bear act like an actual bear!"
"...Oh, I can do that, but I have a condition."
"A condition? What condition?"
"Well, you never call for me! We only met when you were three days old, at the baptism at my temple. Call for me more often, Ryuk. Don't just wait for a crisis."
I groaned, rubbing my temples as Aqua floated in front of me, her smug grin making it clear she wasn't going to make things easy.
"Are you serious? That's your condition?" I raised an eyebrow. "You want me to call for you more often? Like a dog? What am I, your personal summoner now?"
She giggled, clearly enjoying my frustration. "Oh, don't be so dramatic, Ryuk. You know how bored I get just watching you wander around. Plus, I'm not asking for much! Just a little attention from time to time... Call me when you need help or just feel like chatting. That's all."
I crossed my arms, considering her offer. Honestly, it wasn't that unreasonable. I'd been talking to gods like it was a casual thing anyway, so what's one more?
"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll call for you more. Happy now?"
Her eyes lit up, and she gave a playful cheer. "Yay! Now, for that bear..."
With a snap of her fingers, a swirl of blue water surrounded her, and in an instant, the bear—still sprawled out on the ground like a giant sack of potatoes—began to stir. The water shimmered around it like a divine aura.
"There, see? That should do the trick. Now, just... don't let it get too comfy again, okay? I've given it a little push," Aqua said, smiling like she'd just solved all my problems.
The bear slowly lifted its head, blinked, and then, to my surprise, shook itself off like a normal bear would. It groggily stood up, stretching its massive limbs and looking around as if it had just woken up from a nap.
I stared in disbelief. "What the—this actually worked?"
Aqua nodded, her playful grin widening. "Of course it did! Now you've got a bear that's almost useful. But remember, you called for me. So you better keep your end of the bargain."
I sighed, already regretting my words. "Yeah, yeah. Just don't make me deal with any more divine... water... stuff."
"Deal!" she chirped, disappearing with a satisfied wink.
I turned to see the bear, now on its feet, looking much more like an actual bear than a potato. It lumbered toward me, grumbling, but at least it was moving. Maybe I could get some use out of this thing after all.
"Alright, Mr. Bear," I muttered, "let's see how long this lasts."
With a deep sigh, I picked up my wooden sword, ready to continue the journey. The gods may be a pain, but at least now I had a bear that wasn't entirely useless. For now.
Lexi returned, her arms full of fruits, and stopped dead in her tracks as she saw the bear now standing proudly on all fours. Her eyes widened, and she gasped, "Oh my, oh my, oh my! How is our Mr. Bear looking so healthy all of a sudden?!"
I blinked, still dripping wet from Aqua's little "gift," and shot a look at the bear. Really? She notices the bear first? Not me, the one who's standing here looking like I just walked through a waterfall in the middle of a thunderstorm?
Meanwhile, the bear was happily grunting and stretching, completely oblivious to my internal rage. I narrowed my eyes, glaring at it. Oh sure, now you're a model citizen of the forest, Mr. Potato Bear.
Lexi continued fawning over it, completely ignoring me—her loyal, drenched travel companion—who definitely deserved her attention more. I mean, hello? I'm over here looking like I've been dunked in an entire lake of divine water, and she's giving all her affection to a bear who, just hours ago, couldn't even lift a paw without collapsing into a nap.
"This is it," I muttered to myself. "This potato bear is stealing my thunder. My affection! My spotlight! I should've just roasted it alive earlier."
At this rate, I'd probably be replaced by this bear, and I'd end up walking the rest of the journey alone—drenched, grumpy, and completely ignored. Well, maybe it's for the best. I could always become the "grumpy, sarcastic, mysterious guy" who just hangs out in the background while the bear gets all the praise. That sounded great.