It all started with a smirk.
Not a normal smirk. A pug smirk.
Fabio had returned.
Larger than ever. Fluffier than ever. Somehow both shorter and shinier.
He appeared on live TV wearing a golden doggy tracksuit and sunglasses shaped like bones. His personal assistant (a hairless chihuahua named Chadwick) stood beside him holding a mini oscillating fan to keep Fabio's wrinkles cool.
A reporter barked the big question:
"Fabio, how do you respond to Buttermilk's Pupstar victory against The Nutwork?"
Fabio casually licked his own eyebrow.
Then he turned to the camera and spoke for the first time in public in months:
> "Let's see how she runs, darling.
I challenge Buttermilk to the Ultimate Dogstacle Duel.
One course. One crown.
Winner takes the title of Alpha Influencer."
Cut to a close-up of Fabio doing downward dog on a gold yoga mat, while doves flew behind him.
---
Travis nearly spit out his artisanal bone broth when he saw the clip.
"He wants to what?!"
Carlton dropped the glitter leash he was braiding. "It's a trap. This smells fishier than Tuna Supreme's locker."
Buttermilk stared at the screen, eyes narrowing.
Carlton knelt beside her. "Listen, Butter. Fabio's ruthless. He once launched his own cologne line called 'Eau de Bark' just to outshine you at a meet-and-greet."
Travis paced, panicking. "We can't just walk into his turf. He's got sponsors. Endorsements. And a weird cult following of corgis called 'The Pawparazzi' who do synchronized barking."
Buttermilk calmly lifted her paw, booped Carlton on the nose, and struck her signature pose: one leg in the air, eyes to the sky, ears flopping in the breeze from a nearby fan.
"She's in," Carlton translated.
---
The Dogstacle Arena was nothing short of absurd.
A stadium packed with barking fans, howling toddlers, and confused grandparents who thought this was a rerun of Westminster.
The course was monstrous.
A Treat Tunnel filled with distractions like bacon, squirrels, and live violinists dressed as mailmen.
A Ball Pit of Doom, with over 20,000 tennis balls and one randomly placed hedgehog.
A Final Ramp of Glory, greased with peanut butter and tears.
Announcers barked from the booths.
"Welcome to the Bark 'n' Blaze Arena, where drama is high and tails are higher!"
"Our two contestants are here—Buttermilk, the internet's fluffiest freedom fighter, and Fabio, the wrinkled wonder with a vendetta thicker than his underbite!"
Fabio arrived on a sedan chair carried by four golden retrievers in tuxedos.
Buttermilk arrived on a hoverboard. Yes, she hovered. Travis had built it using two drones and leftover Christmas lights.
---
The whistle blew.
Round One: Treat Tunnel
Fabio sniffed once, turned left, and got immediately distracted by a turkey leg someone dropped in the stands.
Buttermilk zipped through with elegance, only pausing once to politely bark at a squirrel offering her a date.
Round Two: Ball Pit of Doom
Fabio belly-flopped in like a wrecking ball, scattering balls everywhere and knocking out a cameraman.
Buttermilk tiptoed across the surface with the poise of a dog ballerina, dodging rogue tennis balls and a small toddler who had wandered in.
Round Three: Ramp of Glory
Here it was. The final moment.
Fabio charged ahead, powered by pure ego and protein kibble.
But halfway up the peanut-butter ramp, disaster struck.
Chadwick tripped and unplugged his portable fan.
Fabio's wrinkles collapsed.
He panicked. Skidded. Spun. Barked dramatically. And slid all the way down into a tub of whipped cream labeled "Emergency Snack Foam."
Buttermilk? She paused at the bottom. Turned to the crowd.
And moonwalked all the way up.
The stadium went wild.
---
After the confetti settled (and Fabio was toweled off), the judges announced the winner:
"Buttermilk! By a score of 24 sniffs to 1 dramatic splat!"
Carlton and Travis tackled each other with joy. The Pawparazzi tried to boo, but Buttermilk barked once and they sat down in synchronized shame.
Fabio sulked on his golden towel, nibbling on a consolation chew stick. "She's good," he admitted. "Too good."
---
Back home, Buttermilk celebrated with liver popsicles and a 9-hour nap.
Her follower count exploded.
#BarkOfDestiny trended for two days straight.
Someone made a dubstep remix of her moonwalk.
Travis framed a screenshot of Fabio mid-splat.
Carlton made matching "Team Buttermilk" pajamas.
---