It started, as most disasters do, with an email.
Subject line:
"HGTV Presents: Ruff Reno — Your Pup Has Been Selected!"
Travis read it twice. Then a third time. Then out loud, slowly, like he was explaining tax law to a child.
"Dear Buttermilk,
You've been chosen as one of this season's celebrity designers on Ruff Reno: Dog House Edition! Each week, you and a partner will renovate custom doghouses for rescue pups in need — all while competing for the Golden Bone Wrench trophy and a year's supply of organic caulking chews."
Carlton blinked. "What the hell is caulking chew?"
Travis shrugged. "I assume something for fixing baseboards and teeth?"
Buttermilk, meanwhile, was already strutting into her studio — a.k.a. the linen closet — to pull out her favorite tiny hardhat and a mood board labeled "Rustic Luxury Meets Mid-Bark Modern."
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On Set: The Madness Begins
The show was filmed in a large warehouse converted into a miniature construction site. There were saws. There were snacks. There was a surprisingly aggressive golden retriever wearing a headset named Sheila, who barked out instructions like a drill sergeant on espresso.
"Team Buttermilk!" she barked. "You're paired with Brick Beefcake. He's got TV experience, muscle mass, and rage issues. Good luck!"
Travis froze. "Brick Beefcake? No. No no no. He's the one who drop-kicked a coffee table on live television because it was 'emotionally weak.'"
Carlton groaned. "This guy's whole aesthetic is 'Home Gym for Alpha Dogs.'"
Right on cue, Brick Beefcake arrived in a pickup truck shaped like a dumbbell, wearing sunglasses, a sleeveless hoodie, and a gold chain that said "SQUAT."
He flexed. "Heard you were the artsy dog. I'm the sweaty one. Let's make some magic, Meatball."
Buttermilk blinked twice.
Brick chuckled. "That your name? Meatball?"
Buttermilk slapped him across the face with a paint roller dipped in lilac.
The rivalry began.
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The Design War
Buttermilk's Vision:
Zen garden for meditation
Eco-friendly flooring made from recycled tennis balls
Waterfall dispenser for filtered bone broth
Neutral palette, minimalist charm
Brick's Vision:
Protein kibble dispenser
Mirror ceiling for "self-woofirmation"
A neon sign that said "LIVE, BARK, LIFT"
Bench press made from chew toys
"She wants serenity," Travis explained to the camera.
"He wants to turn it into a motivational kennel prison," Carlton added.
Meanwhile, Brick hammered things that didn't need hammering. He installed five punching bags. He called a hot tub guy for a "puppy plunge pool with jets set to 'Hydro Smash.'"
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The Passive-Aggressive Build Montage
Day 1:
Buttermilk installed bamboo paneling. Brick spray-painted it black and screamed "WE NEED EDGE."
Day 2:
Buttermilk sewed custom cushions. Brick replaced them with tires filled with jerky.
Day 3:
Buttermilk added subtle lighting with Himalayan salt lamp sconces. Brick replaced the bulbs with strobe lights. Then tried to turn the doghouse into a nightclub called "Club Bark."
Carlton wept.
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The Executive Judges Visit
Three judges entered:
1. Lady Marzipan, a snooty Afghan hound with a tiny monocle.
2. Chef Gouda, a corgi who only judges things he can nap in.
3. An iguana named Dave who may not have known where he was.
Lady Marzipan sniffed the air. "Why does it smell like protein farts and conflict?"
Chef Gouda yawned. "This place needs more… umami."
Dave just licked a wall and nodded solemnly.
The tension was high.
The stakes were higher.
And the glitter cannon in the corner?
Definitely armed.
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