Chapter 5: "Hey, Big Green—Wrong Franchise!"
Alt title:Smash Me Once, Shame on You. Smash Me Eight Times—Still Funny.
Scene:
Deadpool's standing in a pile of ogre corpses, casually checking his EXP bar and admiring the bloodstains on his katanas.
"Man, I haven't leveled up this fast since I farmed noobs in Fortnite. This Nexus thing is cracked."
[DING!]
Current EXP: 2000 / 4000
Next Level: 4000
Lootbox Available! (But you're in combat. Chill, cowboy.)
"Ugh, fine. Tease me with loot I can't open. Just like my therapist."
Suddenly—The ground shakes. Something massive stomps through the shattered gate. Towering over the street, standing at nearly four meters tall, covered in armor and war paint, carrying a club that looks like a tree trunk welded to a car muffler…
The Ogre Chieftain has arrived.
[DING!]
Boss Detected: Ogre Chieftain – A-RankDanger Level: HighSmile Level: Nonexistent
Deadpool blinks.
"Okay… Thanos body, Shrek face, and Hulk anger. If you say 'puny god,' I swear I'm suing."
The Chieftain roars and charges.
Deadpool raises his swords—
BOOM.
He gets flattened into the ground like a Looney Tunes character under a piano. The pavement cracks. Someone watching screams.
Deadpool peels himself out of the crater.
"Oof. Okay. You hit harder than cable bills. My spleen's on vacation now."
Chieftain grabs him by the legs, swings him into a wall—then a car—then the ground again.
WHAM. WHAM. WHAM.
Deadpool groans, tries to crawl away—
The Ogre Chieftain grabs him again… and rips off his left arm.
Blood sprays. The onlookers are horrified. Deadpool looks at the stump.
"YEP. That's off. That is so off. Anyone seen my arm?"
[DING!]
Regenerating Limb…Progress: 34%... 56%... 97%... Complete.
"And there it is. Like magic. Suck it, Disney Plus."
His arm pops back in place with a wet squelch.
He turns to the audience—yes, the literal reader—and says:
"At this point, I feel like I'm in a crossover between Solo Leveling and Jackass. And let me tell you: this ain't even the weirdest Tuesday I've had."
The Ogre Chieftain looks confused. Just… stares at the regrown arm like it personally insulted him.
Deadpool smirks.
"What's the matter, big guy? Not used to snack food growing back?"