13th Sept
8:30 am
I don't really like to be woken up in the mornings. Hell, I'd prefer if I never woke up. But...I'd have to admit that Zaira's kick and mum's hits are far more welcomed than being stared at by some creep till I decide to get up on my own.
Usually Uncle C 's the one who wakes me up. Morning darling; two simple words and I HAVE to get up. It has always been like that. He's not harsh like mum is, but he can be very strict when he wants to be.
I love the salami here and the omelette really does have cheese; only there's not enough. I tried a pork sausage, didn't taste that different from chicken.
We're leaving, tomorrow...
I'm not really ready to leave yet. I really like it here. It's so nice and quiet and far, so far away from my house. Yep, a house, not a home.
The building where I'm held captive. I really don't wanna go back; especially since I failed. Mum hasn't talked much about it, so I know from experience that she's going to bring it up as soon as we land back on Durn.
I don't like changes. Defiantly not after my dad's passing; and drastic changes are things I hate the most; unless the change IS that I can get away from it all; then why do I have to adjust to a complete stranger into my life. They act like they've known him for a very long time.
Huh...He's more welcomed in my family than I am. What a joke.
Nevermind, it's none of my business anyway.
Today my main goal is to get to the mall so that I can finally get what I came here for; ANIME!
It's strange how even its mention can put a smile on my face. I have such a huge list. I really hope they have a lot of anime. They also have Uncle C 's albums I'm not gonna buy them because well I have all of his songs and pirated DVDs; hey that's the only kind they sell in Durn, not my fault. But they don't sell that many anime. Dumb people.
Guess who's playing on the stereo today, Uncle C . That's enough to make me quit writing and even give me patience to have a happy breakfast despite Mr pavilion's unwanted presence .
12pm
I hate him! I hate him! I hate her!
She is such a liar! And she expects me to believe what she says. Today's the last day; we leave tomorrow. All I've wanted since coming here was to buy my goddamn anime. I didn't ask for anything else, my grandma did most of my shopping. All I wanted was this. Even in Bangkok, I went crazy looking for anime. However they didn't have any. Then when we got here, Zaira said that, she may have found a DVD store in the far corner of the mall. I even went to check it out the other day; we were in a hurry so she said that we could come another day; she freakin promised that she'd let me go today, and I stupidly believed her.
Why does she do this to me? Every time. Why do I even try to trust her? Does she even care a little? OH no she doesn't. All she cares about is herself; a daughter that she can show off. A perfect little doll; like a piece of ceramic china, which you show off when your friends come over.
I am not perfect, nobody is. I'm an imperfect person in this imperfect world. Yeah, I am a little different from what is socially accepted as normal. I am intelligent; where else most girls are pretty. I have a sharp tongue where others are hypocritical. I have a diverse brain when she cares all about grades.
I know I'm fat, that I have zits all over my face, I'm short, I wear glasses, I value knowledge over grades, I care about what I want over what the society wants, that I'm straightforward; that I have a freakin brain and a will. I refuse to be anyone but me. Wanna know why?
Because, when I die I don't want a room full of people who never knew me to mourn for me, for a person that I was not. I'd rather be hated for what I am than be accepted for what I am not.
Over and over again she does this, break my trust, rips the bandages when the wound finally starts to heal and then rip opens a brand new wound; as if I didn't hate her enough.
Is my worth all that others see? Can't she see that I am silently waiting for her to finally save me, hell at least to see me; see how much I'm suffering? Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It hurts, it freakin burns a hole in my heart every time. But I can't change, not even for her; I don't know how to.
We only live once, there is no afterlife, no resurrection, no nothing; when you close your eyes, the lights are out and that's it. So forgive me if I'm trying to be me while I live, because this is the only shot I've got at it.
Why am I even blaming her, even God doesn't care about me. That's why he always creates all these complications whenever I'm looking forward to something; or else why would Mr Pavilion's parents be town, today of all days. An...and why do I even have to meet them? Did it even occur to any one person that I am just a thirteen year old kid, who should not go to a stranger's house alone, with a stranger?
Guess a little care is too much to ask, after all what am I worth anyway? Clearly more baggage than a precious child, thus she sold me off to the first bidder.
I know Uncle C that I'm being unfair but what do you expect me to say? All she ever does is takes away the things I love and replaces them with things she expects. Do you think I don't want to rise to her expectations? I do. But that's not me goddammit! I don't wanna be freakin fake perfect; I wanna be the real messed up piece of crazy nutcase that I am. So you know what? Imma do it! I'm ganna dress up as she wants me to, put on a fake smile and go meet his parents but if I come back she better let me go. Because she's my mother, and I' am tired of pretending not to care.
7:30 pm
It's done.
The car ride over there was painfully long and exhausting, as Uncle C decided to "bond" with Mr Pavilion. That didn't sit well with me, so after the first forty minutes, I decided that I had enough being their messenger and kept my mouth shut for the next hour.
A sudden turn into the woods and there we were, in front of these iron gates. Turns out that was his parents' place.
We had to wait there for another half an hour, waiting for his dad, who was at a meeting. After that, Mr Pavilion introduced us and well I was civil enough, hopefully; cause his mother seemed to like me, and his father was ok I guess.
I kinda liked his mother too. She seemed...hmm...nice isn't really the word for it but yea she was cool. I mean you have to give the woman credit, her son brings home a teenage girl at a foreign country, clamming to be engaged to her; yea you need a very cool or uncaring mother to not react to that. She wasn't uncaring thus the conclusion of cool. Plus she also agrees that there is something wrong with her son, he tries to buy everyone off. What a son of a...nevermind I like his mom.
That was fast, we're back.
8pm
........................
I did everything she asked me to do today, only because I hoped she would have the decency to at least honour a contract, a deal. I dressed up went there and even played house with Mr Pavilion for an hour, all so that at the end of it all, she would break her promise yet again.
I am so dumb to think that for once what I want will actually matter in the end; that it won't crash and burn like all the other times. Why do I even hope for things? It's kinda stupid now that I think about it. If only I could stop being affected by it all; broken promises, unachievable dreams, absent times.
I should just stop crying it isn't like even if I continued anybody would care. I'm such a fool for always wanting to believe in her words, serves me right!
Who the heck does he think he is, trying to talk to me right now? Does he think he's my therapist or something? Does he not get that I want as little contact with him as possible, especially the emotional kind.
I'm exhausted; I just want to sleep now, to hell with it all.
"Stop crying." He says, like talking to me with that mid tone calming voice could actually help; half my paternal family is doctors, I've basically seen all the form of calming ways there are.
I need to turn on the water and tune everything out.
9pm
I think all Asians look alike, maybe I think that because I was raised mostly around Indian looking people but seriously they all look like they could be related somehow. Like right now how mostly every passing girl is mistakenly assuming that I'm Mr. Pavilion's little sister. Honestly speaking, we don't really look alike at all, except for both of us looking Asian.
"You have such a cute little sister." I'm getting that a lot today. I always knew I was super adorable with my chubby cheeks and a button nose and little eyes but Mr Pavilion didn't know he had a sister. Maybe it's because we look like a twelve year old and a nineteen year old, who could possibly in no universe be more than relatives. He just keeps glaring at them. This is really fun to watch; him brooding. Ever since I met him all I've seen are those confident grins and flirtatious smirks. I think this suits him better.
He should really start eating if we're ganna make it back before the curfew. Yeah we're at the mall.
After I stopped writing to cool down a bit, he knocked on the door.
"What do you want?" I questioned, trying my best to control my voice.
"First, please stop crying." I seriously wanted to punch him, hadn't he learned anything from the other night; I don't like to let other people see me like that; they aren't allowed.
I cleared up my throat and lied "I'm not crying."
He played along "Then I can only assume that you're getting ready to go out seeing as I already have your mother's permission to take you out."
"You're lying, she will never allow it." My voice started to crack up by the end of the sentence.
He started joking "Do you think there is anything I can't get if I ask for it?" That made me think; considering he is such a smooth talker this would not be very hard for him. He's scary; that's the thought that passed through my head before he interrupted my thoughts.
"We still have a curfew to beat, and even though I would love nothing more than to whisper sweet nothings to you through the door, I know you would rather go buy your precious anime" and here we are at the mall eating supper.
Oh another compliment, I could get used to this; ok I guess that's his limit, he should finish his food though.
C