Once we hit high school, Abigale seemed to become distant. She had only gotten prettier and because of that, she got more friends, more fans, more people looking up to her. She was now one of the popular kids. A shy girl that I have known for more than 6 years, was now known as one of the loud popular girls. It was unbelievable to me. Now, I wasn't one of the losers or the weird kids, but I wasn't popular either. Instead, I normally liked to stay in small groups with certain friends. Any other social parties were a huge no to me. They only made me anxious. During lunch, I was just getting back to school from getting myself some food. I parked in the parking lot behind the school to Abigale and a couple of the other popular girls, by the fence, smoking cigarettes. This caught me off guard. Abigale was never the one to smoke. It was now obvious how much she was trying to fit in. This made me a little mad but I didn't want to start anything. I haven't talked to her in a while so why don't I try it now? I got out of my car, walking over to her as I grabbed some fries out of the bag I was holding. They all noticed me one by one, the group getting quiet. The quiet was deafening to me, it made me nervous.
"Hey, Abigale... Are you hungry? I have some fries if you want some-" "Abigale do you know her..." One of the girls said, cutting me off. I could see the disgust in her eyes, making me even more nervous than I was before. I could feel every single one of their gazes on me. It felt like daggers in my skin. I looked up at Abigale to see her laughing a little before speaking "Ew, I don't even know her!" She said, everyone laughing along with her. My face flushed in embarrassment. That was until a boy started to speak up. "Hey, Abigale, isn't that your friend ever since childhood?" I could see the nervousness in Abigale's eyes. She just laughed off the nervousness, speaking in a questionable tone "Oh, she is? Oh yeah! Sorry! I'm so forgetful." She said, acting dumb. This caused them to laugh as the boy told her how dumb but pretty, she was, watching as she was practically soaking in the boy's compliments. Why was she acting like she didn't know me? It hurts me to see her acting like this. Acting like someone she wasn't, acting so dumb... This was not the Abigale I knew. I would have loved to talk her down, to bring her back to reality, to remind her who she really was, but the only thing that I was able to do was just stand there. I slowly started to walk away, throwing away the fries in a trash can that I passed by as if it was like throwing away the memory of this moment. I was able to find myself an empty stall in a bathroom, locking myself in the stall as I tried to calm myself down. It took me a while to completely calm down. I slowly started to stand up, unlocking the door as I went to the sink, splashing water on my face for good measures.
It was now 7th block. I was forced to sit beside Abigale. Sitting beside her was like torture, listening to her laugh and play fight with some boys felt suffocating. I tried focusing on the teacher but the teacher explaining the lesson at hand seemed to be drowned out by the noise of Abigale's laughter. Suddenly, one of the boys took her pencil as she acted like she was too small to get it herself. She was pouting and making little whiny noises, trying to reach or her pencil from across the table. The boy accidentally dropped the pencil as I watched it land on the floor next to me. Out of instinct, I grabbed the pencil and held it out to her. I was expecting her to thank me like she used to do but instead she just grabbed the pencil, looking at me in disgust. "Umm thanks..." She mumbled as she looked at me for a couple of more seconds before looking away, laughing, causing the boys to laugh too as if on command. I immediately started to feel anxious as I could feel this sick, unsettling feeling in my stomach. I gripped the fabric of my pants, trying to calm down my shacking hands. I took a deep breath before I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I made sure to check if the teacher was looking before grabbing my phone out of my pocket, looking at it from underneath the table. It was a message from my mom. I opened the message, reading it to myself. "Hey honey, Me and Mrs. Rose noticed how much you and Abigale have been apart from each other so we both thought that it would be a good idea for you to drive her home today since Mrs. Rose can't pick her up this afternoon. Her mom had just told her!" Thats what the message said. I felt my heart drop before looking over to her, seeing her reading the message from her mom. Abigale looked at me before rolling her eyes.
It was silent and awkward. The only noises that you could hear were the sounds of cars driving by, and the slight noise of her breathing next to me. She was just sitting there, looking out of the window. It was currently the middle of fall so there were leaves on the ground, the sky covered in clouds, and the grass looked dead. "So..." I said, trying to think of something to start a conversation with her. I could hear her let out a huff before sitting up. "Why are you being like this?" I asked the thing that had been on my mind for as long as I could remember. "Like what?" She answered back coldly, making me feel anxious. "Like this! Why are you pushing me away?" My voice was gentle as I was holding back tears. I'm sure that she was able to tell though. "I'm not pushing you away-" "Yes you are!" I answered almost immediately. "You are! I can't even remember the last time I had a proper conversation with you! And you even act like you don't know who I am, as if I never existed!" I said, raising my voice a little. "Once again, I'm not pushing you away! And I don't act like I don't know who you are!-" "YES YOU DO!" I yelled... I immediately felt bad for yelling at her. It just got quiet again. We drove in this silence and thick tension for a little longer before I finally made it to her house. "Get out..." I mumbled, my hands shaking slightly on the wheel. "Fine... Bitch..." She said that last part under her breath. As soon as she got out of the car, I drove into my driveway, parking the car as I turned it off. I sat in my car, covering my face with my hands, my hands shaking, bouncing my leg. My heart felt like it was racing, causing me to feel like I couldn't breathe. I could feel the warmth of my tears falling into my hands as I started to lean back, as if I was attempting to hold my tears in. I started to shake a little more as I soon started to hyperventilate. My anxiety was getting too bad. I started to feel a little lightheaded as my body started to go numb. I didn't know what to do. I was such a bad friend.
Later that night, I was lying in bed. I couldn't sleep. My cat was laying on my chest as I was staring up at my ceiling. The room was dark and cold. I was overthinking about everything. Why did she hate me so much? What did I do wrong? Was I really that much of an embarrassment? Why was I even alive? Would she even care if I was dead? I asked myself question after question. My heart felt slow. My heart felt like it was in pain. I only sigh as I gathered enough motivation to turn my head, staring at a small pencil sharpener that I had on my nightstand. I stared at it for a couple of more seconds before finally getting up and grabbing it. My cat tried to follow me to my bathroom as I closed the door, my cat waiting for me. I looked at myself in the mirror for a couple more seconds. I look miserable. My dark brown hair was messy, my eyes were puffy, my nose was stuffy. I started to look down at my wrist, seeing the previous scars, reminding me of the promise that I made to my family and Abigale... My eyes started to water up as I dropped the sharpener, stomping on it was I felt it crushing under my feet, freeing the razor. I looked down at it for a little before picking it up... I held it up too my wrist before slitting it in one quick movement. I watched as the blood trickled down my arm as I did it a couple of more times. I had tears going down my face and blood going down my arms. My heart was still hurting but it seemed to lessen a little. It felt as if I had cut my own feelings out. I had my back against the wall, my body sliding down until I was sitting on the floor. I felt weak and my body felt heavy. I heard my cat meowing at the door as I was able to open it. My cat immediately rushed over to me and started to rub against my body.