Look, I wasn't planning to flex my ancient technology so soon—but desperate times call for desperate measures. We were waiting at the Adventurer's Guild earlier when I pulled out my phone to check the time -and definitely not to sneak a glance at the glorious shrine of Nilou pics hidden deep in the vault of my gallery.- Lumine and Paimon saw it. Their eyes sparkled with raw curiosity. I swear, if curiosity killed the cat, Paimon would've reincarnated seventeen times by now.
"What is that?!" Paimon gasped, hovering closer.
Lumine raised an eyebrow. "Is that... from your world?"
I smirked, slipping the phone back into my pocket like a total badass. "A mysterious artifact," I said coolly. "It contains unimaginable power. You're not allowed to touch it... it might explode."
Was it a lie? Yes. Did I say it to hide the secret Nilou shrine folder? Absolutely.
Mission success.
Anyway, we teleported to Windrise next—Statue of the Seven, peaceful breeze, iconic big-ass tree where every dramatic anime monologue happens. And of course, there he was. Our neighborhood wine-fueled lyrical disaster: Venti.
He was standing under the tree like he was posing for a drama OST cover. Wind blowing through his hair. Bard-ing intensifies.
The moment he saw us, he blinked. "Oh? You three again. What are you doing here?"
Lumine stepped up, cool and calm. "We want to ask about the Anemo Archon."
I tilted my head slightly and muttered, "We are talking to him though..."
Venti's expression didn't even flinch. He went into full bard-mode. "Ah, the Anemo Archon, Barbatos... It's been a long time since anyone asked about him."
Bro. You are literally him.
He continued, "He hasn't been seen in Mondstadt for many years now. Unlike the Geo Archon of Liyue and the Electro Archon of Inazuma, Barbatos has long since stepped back, leaving the people to govern themselves..."
Inside, I was screaming. I wanted to grab him and go, "Bro just admit it's you, we literally saw you flying with Dvalin and playing your edgy lyre solos on rooftops!" But alas, I played along. Because spoilers.
And also because I didn't want him to run off again like a limited banner.
Then, things got weird. The wind grew heavy.
"It seems," Venti murmured, looking to the sky, "someone doesn't want me here."
Oh no. I know that tone. I've heard it before.
Eye of the Storm has entered the chat.
A glowing, swirling abomination of wind and vengeance formed before us like it had a personal grudge against my existence. I froze.
"Oh fuck, not this thing," I muttered.
PTSD: ACTIVATED.
I remember being AR5 and wandering around minding my own business when one of these cyclonic nightmares yeeted me into space like I was trash on a Tuesday. I landed somewhere in Teyvat, probably next to a Hilichurl I later befriended out of shared trauma.
But no. Not this time. I was stronger. Wiser. Still mentally unstable, but with slightly better artifacts.
"Get ready!" Lumine shouted.
"I hate this thing!" I screamed back.
And we locked in.
Let's just say... I was ready to throw hands. Not just mine. Lumine's. Venti's. Paimon's. Whoever was near enough. The Eye of the Storm was going down.
And no, I didn't use the phone. Not because it couldn't help—hell, I could've blasted that stormy bastard with the power of pixelated perfection—but because if I accidentally tapped the wrong album and the Nilou folder popped up mid-fight? I'd rather get sucked into a vortex than explain that mess. Priorities, man. Sacred priorities.
Okay, look. I've had my fair share of stupid ideas. Jumping into a group of Mitachurls with a stick? Done it. Challenging a Ruin Guard to a staring contest? Absolutely. But what I did today? Peak brain rot. Maximum crackhead energy.
So the Eye of the Storm started swirling like it's doing a Beyblade audition, and of course, we jumped into action like the action-RPG protagonists we are. Lumine was gracefully slicing through the wind like she's dancing ballet with death, and me? I was swinging my sword like a man who just found out his internet's down.
SLASH. SWING. YEET.
Nothing.
"Why can't I hit this floating bastard?!" I shouted, leaping and whiffing like a Genshin player trying to land on a platform in Spiral Abyss.
It kept floating just out of reach, taunting me like a smug mid-boss. So naturally, I did the most logical thing I could think of.
"Fuck this."
I picked up a rock.
And I threw it.
And missed.
But that didn't stop me. I kept hurling rocks like some angry caveman with a grudge against weather. Paimon was yelling something about "That's not how physics works!!" but I didn't care. I was in the zone.
And then... inspiration struck.
I stared at the Statue of Barbatos. That tall, angelic, god-tier landmark.
What if I climbed it?
Wait... timing... TIMING.
I bolted up that thing like my AR depended on it, practically parkouring off Venti's stone toes. At the top, I waited. I timed the Eye of the Storm's movements. Left... right... closer... closer...
"NOW!"
I jumped.
Sword in hand. Gravity be damned.
I SLAMMED into the Eye of the Storm mid-air, slicing it in half like I was starring in a Shonen anime. The wind exploded around me as I landed like a total badass in a superhero pose.
Cue epic music. Cue slow-mo.
It was dead.
I stood up, chest heaving, sword still glowing, and then—
Something ran through me. A jolt. A rush.
Strength.
Power.
"Did... did I just level up?!"
cue anime zoom-in on my stupidly shocked face
"HELL YEAHHHHH!!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
The wind blew, carrying my scream across Teyvat.
I turned to the others, grinning like I'd just soloed a weekly boss with only a bow user.
They stared at me.
Not in awe.
In horror.
"...What?" I blinked.
Venti was the first to speak. "Are you... okay?"
Lumine looked at me like I had just kicked a puppy. "You're kind of... intense."
Paimon whispered, "He's a psycho. A real one. Paimon doesn't get him at all."
I coughed awkwardly. "Ehem. So. Uh. Where were we again?"
Cool mode: temporarily deactivated.
Anyway, Venti finally dropped the whole act and started explaining stuff. He talked about Dvalin, how it wasn't really the city's lack of tribute or whatever dumb bard excuse he gave before. Nah, turns out, big dragon boy's been suffering.
Something about black blood, corruption, and suffering.
Honestly, I was only half-listening because I already knew all this. Dvalin's got that spicy Abyss Order infection that makes him go berserk like a Monday morning hangover. And Venti? Classic Venti. Still pretending he doesn't know shit.
"It's... not the people's fault," he said, voice solemn. "Dvalin's been afflicted by a poison that clouds his mind. A black curse, inflicted by unknown forces..."
I muttered, "It's the Abyss Order, dumbass. We all know it."
He continued, "I don't know what they want. But it seems they bear great resentment towards humanity..."
Yeah, no shit. You think the ruined world of Khaenri'ah was just a joke event or something?
And then, he started talking all poetically again. The kind of stuff that makes you want to skip dialogue like your life depends on it. I swear if Genshin gave out Primogems for every time I wanted to skip a bard's monologue, I'd be wailing on every banner in existence.
As he talked about winds, freedom, pain, and other metaphorical bullshit, I nearly passed out on my feet.
Finally, finally, he got to the part that mattered.
"The Holy Lyre der Himmel," Venti declared, dramatic as always. "We'll need it to soothe Dvalin's soul."
I perked up. Ah yes. The infamous lyre. The magical musical MacGuffin.
So off we went. Again. Back to Mondstadt. Because apparently, world-saving requires a lot of fast travel.
When we reached the cathedral, Paimon piped up.
"Why do we need the Holy Lyre again?"
Venti smirked. "It was the lyre used by Barbatos himself. With it, I—I mean, he—can calm Dvalin and reach his heart."
"Will it work?" Paimon asked.
Venti puffed his chest out. "There's no song in this city I cannot play."
Cue eye roll.
"Don't you trust me?" he added with a wink.
In my head? I was already writing a Yelp review:
Two stars. Sketchy bard. Probably hiding a genocide. Would not trust with my tea.
I muttered internally, Hell nah, bard. You're hiding something. Like what you did to Khaenri'ah 500 years ago.
And then Paimon asked the big question.
"How are we going to get the Holy Lyre?"
Venti smiled.
Then he walked into the cathedral.
Like he was on a sightseeing tour.
And I just knew.
I knew.
Another round of bullshit was about to begin.
And I was all for it.
So we're in. The Grand Cathedral of Mondstadt. Holy place of worship. Place of serene hymns, floating dandelions, and spiritual calm.
Yeah. Calm. Until we walked in.
Venti puffed out his twink chest and said with dramatic flair, "Leave this to me."
Right... this scene. Oh, I knew it. The infamous trying-to-rizz-the-nun sequence. My inner narrator went full documentary mode. Watch as the wild bard attempts to seduce a devout nun with zero Riz and 100% delusion. Witness the fail unfold.
Like, bro. You wear leggings and talk like you sing in a boyband from 600 BC. This ain't gonna work on a bonafide lady of the cloth.
We stood back and watched the trainwreck unfold. Venti walked up to the nun, spouting some poetic nonsense with a dumb little bow and a smug little wink. "Dearest sister of the cloth, might I humbly borrow the Holy Lyre der Himmel?"
The nun blinked. Smiled politely.
Then hit him with the coldest: "Please see yourselves out."
Oof.
Rizz level: -472.
I should've tried rizzing her instead. I mean, I probably would've failed too, but at least I'd have been funny about it.
Lumine gave it a shot, explaining the whole Stormterror situation, how the lyre could help soothe the dragon's emotional breakdown or whatever—but nah. The nun was unshaken. Apparently, even Acting Grandmaster Jean couldn't get the lyre without proper authorization.
And then it happened.
Venti straightened up like he was about to drop the big one.
He threw his arms wide open and shouted, "My disciples! Rejoice! Behold the God of Anemo, Barbatos has descended!"
Lumine blinked. I blinked. Paimon made a noise that can only be described as sparkling doubt.
He turned to us with the cockiest smile ever, I then nudged Lumine. "Told you he was the Anemo Archon. he just don't look like it."
I swear, this man had Final Fantasy victory fanfare playing in his head.
The nun, bless her soul, stared at him for a long moment.
Then said, "If there's nothing else, I'll return to my duties."
She dipped. Like... didn't even hesitate. Straight up vanished into the paperwork zone.
Venti's face fell. My soul ascended.
Lumine tried again, politely requesting the lyre, but the result was the same. Zero. Nada Zip. No lyre for you.
And thus... the only logical choice remained:
If you can't do it the normal way—
Then you do it the stupid way.
Midnight. Cathedral still. Venti looked around like he was planning a heist in a very suspicious way for someone who's literally a god.
"Lumine," he whispered. "Grab the lyre."
I looked at him. Then at Lumine. Then my dumb brain fired off like a broken lightbulb. "Ohhh right. I remember now. This is the part where a stupid-ass Fatui agent jumps out and snatches it."
We didn't have time for that. And honestly? I wanted to speedrun this part just to meet him.
I stepped forward. "Lumine, let's go. You grab it, I'll be backup."
She nodded. Paimon floated nervously. Venti looked like a proud parent watching his kids break into a church.
We crept inside.
There it was. The lyre. Glorious, ancient, probably cursed, but hey—we've done worse.
Lumine reached for it.
And I—being the dumbass that I am—yelled: "FUCK YEAH, WE GOT IT!"
...The echo.
...Was biblical.
Guards: activated.
Lumine: facepalm.
Paimon: double facepalm.
Me: "RUN, FUCKERS!"
We bolted out of there like our asses were on fire. Venti sprinted ahead in his tiny bard steps. "RUN, BARD! KNIGHTS INCOMING!" I screamed, cackling.
I don't know how we escaped, honestly. Plot armor maybe. Maybe Mondstadt guards are legally blind after 9PM.
Either way—we made it.
I collapsed outside the city walls, panting. "Hoo boy... that was—wait... wait a second."
I sat up. Eyes wide.
"Oh my god. It's time."
I looked to the horizon like a war hero spotting salvation.
He's coming.
The one.
The only.
The Pyro Daddy.
DILUC FUCKING RAGNVINDR!
___________________________________________
End of Chapter 7
Quest Completed: Steal the Sacred Lyre for the Dragon Therapy
Rewards: Holy Lyre der Himmel, -10 Stealth, wanted posters, and +1 Bardic Breakdown Avoided.
UNLOCKED: Pyro Daddy Incoming Cutscene.