The morning mist of the Nile had barely cleared when Caesar's flagship approached like a vulture.
As I squatted in the reeds and smeared mud on my face, the blue light of the sunscreen leaked through my fingers like a leaky glow stick.
"Host, the Romans have trebuchets!"
The Hamster system, wearing the Eye of Horus headdress, screamed, "Queen Cleopatra demands that you use the holy oil to disarm your enemies - or mummy Da Vinci!"
Michelangelo is grooming a cheetah:
"It's more muscular than the statue of David..." Before he could say anything, the Roman battleship suddenly sounded its horn. The sunscreen bucket was overturned by the wave, and the blue liquid flowed down the slope into the Nile.
"My sunscreen!"
I threw myself out to save my life, but the man in black's robotic crocodile grabbed my pant leg. He wore a Roman centurion's helmet, and his nasal voice was thick:
"His Majesty Napoleon sends his greetings... Achoo!"
Cleopatra's golden ship emerges from a bend in the river, her sunblock cloak wrapped like a moving beacon:
"Caesar! See the power of the Egyptian gods!"
With a wave of delicate hands, the priests pour the remaining sunscreen into the river.
Suddenly, the whole Nile lit up with a strange blue light. Caesar's flagship suddenly spun out of control
The system admitted accidentally activating the sunscreen's conductive properties, turning the Ironclad into an electromagnetic gyroscope.
"The siren! This is the curse of the Sirens!"
Roman sailors jumped ship after ship, their armor sparkled in the conductive water.
Caesar clung to the mast, his red cloak making sails in the electromagnetic field.
Da Vinci took out a waterproof notebook:
"Sir, is this the principle of the Faraday cage you mentioned?"
"Is this the time to discuss this?"
I watched the Roman fleet tap dance in the river, and Queen's ships were being eaten away by the conductive water.
The philosophy Cat suddenly jumped onto the bow with the copper wire in his mouth, and inserted it into the priest's gold scepter.
"Warning! Cat hair triggers an electrochemical reaction!"
The Tesla coil design diagram is displayed. Water of sunscreen suddenly squirts skyward, forming giant cat faces in the clouds, and torrential rain pours down.
Caesar's wig was caught on fire by lightning, and he pulled out his dagger and pointed it at the sky and shouted:
"Jupiter is up! What a new weapon!"
"Yes... It's a sunscreen shower!" I grabbed my head and ran.
Charged raindrops make everyone's hair explode into dandelions, and the man in Black's robotic arms start dancing Flamenco. Cleopatra took the opportunity to throw the gold chain:
"Can a Roman Wolf dance with an Egyptian cat?"
A play of the absurd in the rain:
Caesar fought swords with Cleopatra in a smoking wig, Da Vinci taught Roman engineers to make clogs, and Michelangelo sketched lightning on ship sails.
And the philosophical cat is carving a cat version of War and Peace on the deck with his tail.
"Host Achieves Hidden Achievement: Start World War with Skincare!"
The system pops up a trophy that "rewards [conductive hairspray] but suggests dealing with space-time pollution first - sunscreen is creating glowing crocodiles!"
The man in black suddenly cuts off the robotic arm, and Napoleon's secret letter pops out of the crocodile's mouth:
"Next time I'll bring the mud of Waterloo."
Before he jumped into the Nile, he threw sunscreen at me:
"Your civilization will drown at... Achoo!"
When the storm stopped, Caesar was saving his hair with Cleopatra's golden comb.
Sunblock Schools of fluorescent fish from the river leap out of the water and weave rainbows in the setting sun. The philosophical cat sat on Caesar's shoulder and braided his tail.
"The holy Angel of Egypt,"
Caesar's single eye glowed with a strange blue light. "How about twenty barrels a month of this holy oil that disables weapons?"
The Queen suddenly smeared sunscreen on my neck:
"The Holy Angel says ten ships of volcanic sand are needed."
As she brushed her fingernails through the arteries, the system screamed in my brain:
"Promise her! You don't want to know what the Colosseum did with the dead..."
That night, we were confined to the Library of Alexandria. Da Vinci dismantled bookshelves to make sunscreen filters, and Michelangelo painted moving portraits of Cleopatra on sheepskin scrolls. The system suddenly shrieked like a kettle:
"Detected sunscreen changes Nile ecology! There will be glowing mummy Tours in 2023 AD!"
The philosophical Cat pushed open the skylight, and in the moonlight stood the ghost of Socrates - a hologram, to be exact.
"Disciples," he said, holding a yellowish rainbow wrapper in his hand, "when truth is a commodity, what vessel does philosophy use?"
Caesar's army drills outside the window, shields reflecting the blue light of sunscreen.
As I munched on the Napoleonic rations left behind by the Man in Black, I suddenly tasted the familiar Mexican spicy flavor - the hot dog that had traveled through its origins appeared in ancient Egypt!
"Host triggers space-time loop!"
Hamster system grows Pharaoh beard, "Side effect: All food will be spicy to the point of fire for the next three days"
When the first rays of sunlight Pierce the clouds, fluorescent crocodiles from the sunblock river crash through the walls. Kaiser held up a gold-plated sunscreen bottle and shouted:
"In the name of Rome, protect the sacred oil fields!" And Cleopatra is tattooing me scarabs: "The holy angels belong in the pyramids..."
Philosophy Cat suddenly jumps up on the stargazer and stirs the sunscreen clouds with his tail.
The moment lightning struck the library, the space-time vortex opened its mouth again - this time swallowing Newton, a teenager eating a hot dog.
"Teacher!" Newton spat out apple seeds, "The maglev apple tree you gave me has sunblock leaves!"
Newton's apple seeds took root in the Egyptian sand and instantly grew into metal trees covered with sun-protected frost-covered leaves.
Caesar's shield reflects laser light from the leaves, and Cleopatra's cheetahs begin to secrete blue saliva.
"Host triggers chain reaction of civilization pollution!"
System hamster's whiskers turn sunscreen blue, "Please complete in three hours:
Teach Newton to make sun-protected apple pie (0/1)
Stop Caesar from drinking Glowing Nile Water (0/1)
Clipping the nails of the Egyptian cat god Bast (urgent!) "
The philosophical cat suddenly leaped to the treetops and wrote Greek equations in the air with his tail.
Newton's pupil earthquake: "This cat holds the ultimate in calculus!"
The man in black paddled the bronze lions-turned-submarine to the surface:
"His Majesty Napoleon sent it from me -- Achoo!" A sunscreen allergy caused him to sneeze in a rainbow, and his submarine went out of control and crashed into the Alexandria Lighthouse.
Da Vinci took the opportunity to focus the sunlight with a lighthouse lens and burn a distress signal on the pyramid:
"Socrates is needed!" . Three minutes later, an Athenian spring-loaded fist travels through time and smashes Caesar in the back of the head.
"Master and Apprentice bond system active detected!"
The hamster system pops up a holographic panel, "Redeemable with civilization points:
1. Van Gogh's Sunflower Seeds (to dispel sunscreen pollution)
2. Joan of Arc's Flag (boosts team morale)
3. Loki's Prank Match (Making a Mess)"
I grabbed the match and threw it at the man in Black, and his mechanical crocodile suddenly began a swan dance. Cleopatra grabs the sunscreen formula:
"Egypt needs more guardians of the Holy Oil!"
Her eyeliner turns into a living scarab in blue light and starts automatically mending the cracks in the pyramid.
Newton suddenly shouted, "I've worked it out! The trajectory of sunscreen particles is the arrow of time!"
He took out a maglev apple and threw it into the Nile River, which instantly reverted back to Florentine times.
"Warning! Newton triggered the primordial rift!"
The system hamster explodes into a hairball, "In thirty seconds Egypt will enter the Renaissance! Please host -"
In the moment when the time vortex engulfed everything, I saw Da Vinci painting the Mona Lisa smile on the Sphinx, Caesar wearing a sunscreen mask playing Monopoly with Cleopatra, and the philosophical cat correcting Newton's thesis with his PAWS.