Ash froze as the red eyes blinked slowly, glowing like twin microwaves of death.
He took a cautious step back.
The creature stepped forward.
"Nope," he whispered.
It stepped again.
Big nope.
From the shadow of the trees, it leapt — a blur of claws, fangs, and nightmare fuel launched itself at him like it had a personal grudge against unpaid student loans.
Ash stumbled back, tripping over his own foot and landing hard on the forest floor.
A sliver of light — faint and silvery, like moonlight that didn't get the memo — cut through the canopy and revealed the monster's face.
Or lack of one.
It was pitch black, like a void in the shape of something vaguely humanoid, with jagged crimson eyes and a mouth that split into too many teeth.
Not fangs.
Teeth. Like, "ate-its-dentist" levels of teeth.
"C-Can we talk this out?" Ash tried, raising his hands in surrender.
The demon made a low, guttural noise that might've been a laugh.
Or a burp. Either way, Ash's instincts screamed at him like a mom catching him climbing the kitchen counter.
'MOVE!'
The demon slashed the air with one hand, and an arc of blood-red energy tore through the space where Ash's head had just been.
"OH MY GOD — "
Even as he ducked, a thin line of heat licked his cheek, slicing it open.
It stung like a paper cut from Satan himself.
Ash didn't waste time processing the pain.
He did what any self-respecting college student would do when faced with an unspeakable evil.
He turned around, screamed, and ran like hell.
Trees blurred past him as his sneakers slapped the muddy ground.
The thing roared behind him, crashing through underbrush, closing the distance like it trained for this moment.
"I KNEW I SHOULD'VE TAKEN PE MORE SERIOUSLY!" Ash yelled, dodging left as another energy slash singed the air next to him.
A tree exploded behind him in a shower of splinters.
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? I HAVE NO XP! I'M POOR! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SWORD!"
He ducked under a branch and leapt over a root, channeling every ounce of survival instinct in his body.
Which, to be fair, wasn't a lot. Ash hadn't run this much since someone yelled "free food" during orientation.
Then — miraculously — he saw it.
A ditch.
Not a tiny, cute little trench. No. A full-on nature-made hazard.
One of those accidental deathtraps the earth creates just to remind you gravity's still a thing.
Ash didn't think. He just jumped.
"LEROYYY JENKINSSS!"
His landing was an uncoordinated flail of limbs and regret, but he made it to the other side.
The demon? Not so lucky.
It lunged after him, missed the edge by inches, and fell in with a loud, very satisfying thud followed by an angry SCREEEECH and a crunch.
Ash didn't wait to check if it was stuck.
He kept running until his lungs gave him a formal complaint.
When he finally stopped, he collapsed behind a mossy boulder, wheezing like an old man trying to do Zumba.
His whole body shook. His heart was doing a drum solo.
His cheek throbbed from the gash, and every part of him ached in ways that suggested he wasn't built for apocalypses.
He rolled onto his back and stared at the sky.
"…I want to sue someone. I don't even care who. Just someone."
His interface beeped again, the blue screen blinking softly into view.
[Survival Milestone Reached: Escaped a Tier 1 Demonspawn]
[+5 XP]
['Crisis Evasion' instinct has been slightly improved.]
[Minor passive skill unlocked: "Runner's High" – You gain a 3% speed boost after shitting your pants from fear.]
Ash blinked. "…Wow. They really personalized this, huh?"
A gentle breeze rustled through the trees. Somewhere nearby, something howled.
Ash lay there for a long minute, trying to figure out how his day had gone from staring at the prettiest girl in class to earning a skill based on pure panic.
"Okay," he muttered, sitting up slowly. "I have a trash-tier class, no weapon, one minor wound, and the equivalent of the tutorial boss just tried to filet me like sashimi."
He looked at his hands.
"I am so… so screwed."
But then — ping!
The screen blinked again.
[Unique System Detected… Connecting…]
[Welcome, Ash Wilder, to the "Divine Matrimony Enhancement Protocol."]
[Initializing: The WifeCompendium™]
Ash squinted. "…The what now?"
[Congratulations! You have awakened a unique legendary system: The Ultimate Wife System!]
[Strengthen your body, grow your skills, and upgrade your class by forging romantic bonds with exceptional women (7/10 and up only — sorry, we don't make the rules).]
[Your romantic future… is your power level.]
Ash stared at the screen in silence.
Then, slowly, he lowered his head into his hands.
"Oh god," he whispered. "My superpower… is dating."
He sat there, broken and winded, while the system cheerfully added:
[Starting Bonus Received: "Hot Single in Your Area" – Alerts you to nearby potential WifeCandidates™. (Use responsibly.)]
[Current Wife Count: 0]
[Lonely level: High]
"…This is either the best or worst thing that's ever happened to me," Ash muttered.
A rustle came from the bushes nearby.
He shot to his feet instantly. "NOPE. NO MORE DEMONS. I'M TAKING A BREAK."
...
"So how does this system work anyway?" Ash muttered, brushing aside a bush with the elegance of a blind raccoon.
A branch promptly whipped back and smacked him in the face.
"OW! Okay. Nature's got hands now."
As he rubbed his cheek, a translucent screen blinked into view like a smug pop-up ad.
[WifeCompendium™ Tutorial: How To Get Buff Through Love]
[Step 1: Find a woman.]
[Step 2: She must score a 7 or higher on the universal hotness scale.]
[Step 3: Conquer her heart... and, uh, the rest.]
[Step 4: Profit.]
[Eligible Races: Humans, Elves, Dragons (in human form, don't get weird), Demons, Beastkin, Angels, etc. If she's cute and not trying to kill you, shoot your shot.]
Ash stared at the screen. "This sounds like a dating sim designed by Zeus after three Red Bulls and a midlife crisis."