After dinner at the barbecue restaurant, everyone waddled out with bulging stomachs, groaning from overeating as they strolled back toward the gate of the Ninja Academy.
Ren had invited everyone out—not just to bond—but to deliver an important message.
"Shikaku, Choza, Inoichi," Ren said, pausing just outside the gates, "I only have one request. If Mikoto ever gets harassed by Uchiha Fugaku—or any of those Uchiha Canon Fodders—please step in or inform me immediately."
He wasn't asking them to go full Taijutsu and beat anyone up. No, with the combined influence of the future Ino-Shika-Chō trio—even though they were still just heirs—their clan's political weight alone could silence most troublemakers. The Uchiha weren't foolish enough to provoke Danzo's political camp or draw attention from the Hokage by targeting a well-connected civilian family.
Ren's tone turned warm. "Minato, train harder, alright? I've got high hopes for you. I believe in your talent—make me proud."
Minato's face turned serious as he nodded. "Brother Ren, I promise—I'll do my best to catch up to you!"
It was no small thing. Minato, a commoner kid with no notable lineage, was still only a first-year. For someone like Ren—the son of a Konoha power broker—to befriend him sincerely? That kind of gesture was unheard of in this era. Minato was deeply moved and considered Ren not just a friend—but a big brother.
After wrapping up with Ino-Shika-Chō and Minato, Ren turned his attention to the wild child of the Inuzuka clan.
"Tsume, you and Mikoto are both girls—so from now on, I'm leaving Mikoto in your care. Starting tomorrow, you're sitting next to her in class. And don't let your guard down around Minato," he added with mock seriousness, leaning in. "That guy may look shy, but he's got secret lady-killer potential. Don't say I didn't warn you."
"Woof! Woof!" Heimaru barked from Tsume's head as if agreeing wholeheartedly.
Tsume gave the pup a little pat, trying to suppress a sigh as she glanced sideways at Mikoto. Envy flashed across her eyes, but she gave a toothy grin. "Don't worry, Brother Ren! Leave it to me!"
"Very good," Ren said, puffing out his chest like a self-satisfied older brother.
He slung an arm around Mikoto's shoulders, clearly enjoying the moment, about to launch into another inspiring speech—when suddenly a slender hand reached out from behind and flicked his forehead hard, with a resounding thump.
BOOM!
"Ow!" Ren yelped, squatting with both hands over his forehead. A familiar floral scent wafted into his nose—and then an arm snaked around his neck from behind.
"Class, time to head back," a woman's voice called casually. "I need to ask Little Ren a few questions, so I'm borrowing him first."
Before anyone could respond, Ren was yanked away, heels dragging behind him. A gust of wind kicked up his shirt as his eyes spun and his tongue lolled out dramatically.
"…Big Brother Ren's gonna be okay, right?" one of the students asked, sweat dripping down his forehead.
"I think so? That was… was that Tsunade-sama just now?"
"If it was really Lady Tsunade, he'll probably survive… eventually."
"Let's worry about ourselves," Shikaku said solemnly. "We've got our own crisis to deal with."
"Huh? What crisis?"
Choza scratched his head, still chewing on something. "If I tell my mom I skipped class for barbecue, she won't be mad."
"Damn it, why didn't I get a mom like that?! Inoichi, what about yours?"
"I… uh…"
The group of kids huddled near the gate, whispering and scheming, completely unaware that inside the guard post next to the entrance, their sensei was watching through the glass, face dark with rage.
"Heh… make up an excuse, will you?" the teacher muttered, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Let's see how you spin this one. I dare you to lie to my face."
Meanwhile, at a secluded creek in northern Konoha…
Ren was doubled over, coughing violently, still rubbing the sore lump on his forehead.
"Cough… Tsunade, you maniac! Are you trying to murder your future husband?!"
"Say that again and I'll really kill you!" Tsunade barked, flexing a fist like she was proud of it. Her golden hair gleamed in the sunlight as she stood hands on hips, looking every bit like a royal pain in the ass.
But Ren wasn't fazed. He gave her a side-eye smirk, then let his gaze drop slowly over her figure with dramatic exaggeration.
"You wanna hit me again? Go for it! The more you hit me, the more chances I'll get to kiss you! And not just kissing—you've got those assets, after all. Even if they're kinda—flat—"
BOOM!
Before he could finish, a fist collided with his head again. Another loud thud. Ren crumpled like a paper fan, now sporting a second lump next to the first one. His whole forehead was practically a war zone.
"You knocked my head into a dumpling!" he groaned.
"So what if I did?!" Tsunade shot back, stomping once for emphasis.
"That's it!" Ren yelled, leaping to his feet and charging with claws out. "You're done for today!"
Panicked, Tsunade turned, expecting another unwanted kiss. But something felt off…
"…Wait. That's not where your lips are—HEY!"
With a devilish grin, Ren had ducked down and—without hesitation—cupped her chest with both hands.
"Hmm… Not an A cup, huh?" he said, musing as he groped gently. "More like a B! I knew it! You've been fooling everyone with your loose shirts, but you're growing, huh? Twenty years old and finally—"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Tsunade's scream echoed through the entire forest, followed shortly by the sound of trees splintering and a loud splash.
Back near the academy, the gang of truants finally noticed that the sky was dimming—and the sensei's shadow was approaching.
Shikaku gulped. "Boys… we may not survive this day."
Choza rubbed his belly, confused. "But the barbecue was worth it, right?"
"No regrets," Inoichi whispered solemnly.
"Speak for yourself!" Tsume hissed. "I'm supposed to sit next to Mikoto now. If I'm grounded, I'll miss the chance to one-up that smug bastard Minato!"
Just then, Mikoto appeared beside her, serene as ever. "You guys are so noisy," she said calmly.
And from a nearby rooftop, Uchiha Canon Fodder 1 and Uchiha Canon Fodder 2 watched silently, taking notes.
"Target Mikoto is getting popular," whispered Canon Fodder 1.
"Agreed," nodded Canon Fodder 2. "We may need to activate Plan D—'Desperate Uchiha Courting Dance.'"
"Not Plan C?"
"That was 'Cry in front of her.' It failed last week."
"…Right."