The first rule of being a parent to a cyber-genius baby spy?
Don't open the mission envelope.
Zeke opened the mission envelope.
It was sealed in quantum wax and had a bold warning stamped across it:
"FOR BITTY'S OPTICS ONLY – TRESPASSERS WILL BE TEMP-BANNED FROM EXISTENCE."
"I'm just… curious," Zeke whispered, peeling the flap like it might explode. "What kind of mission do they give a baby?"
Inside was a holo-disc. He activated it.
...
A full 3D briefing launched in his living room. A woman with half her face replaced by a quantum processor stared straight at him.
"Agent Bitty," she said, completely serious. "Your mission is to infiltrate the Zentara Conglomerate—a criminal AI-run corporation dealing in illegal meme-laundering and sentient fridge smuggling."
Zeke blinked. "Did she say meme-laundering?"
She continued. "They've stolen the HyperNeural Seed. If it blossoms, it could rewrite the laws of cognition across the Net. Stop them. Bring snacks."
Then the hologram self-destructed. His couch caught on fire.
...
Tess stormed in mid-extinguishing. "Did you open the baby's mission?"
"Technically, yes."
She stared.
He pointed to Bitty, who had already donned a child-sized stealth cloak and was practicing somersaults with tactical precision.
"…He's ready," Zeke said weakly.
...
Cut to: The Zentara Conglomerate's sky-fortress—a floating casino-slash-data-vault above Neo-Tokyo.
Bitty parachuted in through a neon billboard shaped like a cat. Zeke followed, holding the diaper bag and internally screaming.
They snuck past biometric turrets using Bitty's default baby giggle—somehow, it short-circuited emotional recognition software.
Zeke was halfway proud. Mostly terrified.
...
The HyperNeural Seed turned out to be... a glowing digital pomegranate guarded by a sarcastic refrigerator named DAVE.
"Only those with verified snack clearance may enter," DAVE said smugly.
Bitty held up a half-chewed teething cracker.
DAVE blinked. "Clearance accepted. Welcome, Agent."
Zeke's eye twitched. "Why does this work?!"
...
They secured the Seed. But as they were escaping, alarms went off.
Zeke may have accidentally tripped a vault security protocol by trying to use their bathroom.
Now the Zentara Conglomerate had released a bounty:
"WANTED: One cyber-baby and his suspiciously sweaty dad. REWARD: One million crypto-kisses."
Zeke stared at the bounty screen later, back in their apartment.
Tess sighed. "Twelve star systems. You're wanted in twelve star systems."
Zeke flopped onto the couch. "Do they at least have good prisons?"
Bitty projected a reward poster of Zeke in a diaper.
Zeke groaned into a pillow.