Cain's morning had already been ruined. At least, that's what he felt like. And if the universe had any mercy left, it wouldn't get worse.
Spoiler alert: The universe had no mercy.
"Tell me when you guys go away," he muttered, shuffling toward the staircase like a zombie that had just given up on life. His bed was calling—no, screaming his name, and he was this close to answering.
"Cain!" His mother's voice sliced through the air like a guillotine. He froze mid-step. "Come back here at once."
Cain turned slowly, his face the picture of a man who had just been sentenced to hard labor. His mother marched over, hands on her hips, eyes burning with the fury of a thousand suns.
"Don't be a lazy piece of potato and entertain your friends," she commanded. "They all came from their homes to see you!"
Cain blinked. "But I didn't ask them to come over," he grumbled under his breath, scratching the back of his head like maybe, just maybe, he could scratch his way out of this situation.
With the heaviest sigh known to mankind, he dragged himself back to the chair he'd just escaped from. But just as he was about to collapse into it like a deflated balloon, salvation arrived in the form of a tiny, hyperactive tornado.
"Brother! Brother!" Lily, his little sister, came barreling toward him like a sugar-fueled missile. Normally, Cain would've sidestepped her with the grace of a man who had mastered the art of avoiding responsibility. But today? Today, he saw an opportunity.
Finally, a chance to get out of here.
"My sweet little sister!" Cain called back, his voice dripping with a level of brotherly affection so unnatural, everyone in the room visibly recoiled in shock.
Lily skidded to a stop in front of him, grinning with the kind of energy only a child hopped up on pure joy (and possibly too much candy) could possess. "Come, come! I have something to show you outside!" She grabbed his hand and yanked him forward with the strength of a tiny, determined bulldozer.
Cain let himself be pulled, throwing a smirk over his shoulder. "What can I do, Mum? She needs me."
His mother's eye twitched. "This son of mine!" she hissed under her breath. "I wonder when he'll ever outgrow his laziness."
"Oh, don't worry, ma'am," Ravena adjusted her glasses, her voice sharp enough to cut through steel. "Even if he doesn't, I will force him to."
Selene let out a laugh like wind chimes in a gentle breeze, if wind chimes were also subtly mocking you. "I doubt Cain will ever be subjected to work. He's the type who'd prefer to sit in a coffin over walking 30 kilometers to school."
The room erupted in laughter.
Orion, never one to miss a chance to pile on, grinned. "That dude will one day have to do manual labor, and he'll feel more pain cleaning the house than a pregnant woman giving birth."
The laughter grew louder, the jokes harsher. Meanwhile, outside…
"Eshhuu!!"
Cain sneezed violently, nearly toppling over. "I wonder who's mentioning my name over and over," he muttered, rubbing his nose.
He plopped down on the short staircase in front of the porch, watching as Lily launched into a series of flips that defied the laws of his physics and common sense.
"She's quite lucky," he thought, resting his chin in his palm. "I wouldn't do this for a million bucks." He sighed "I'm not saying it's a bad thing they're doing or anything but I can't see myself being so energetic"
"Wow," he called out, clapping sarcastically. "That was awesome."
Lily, blissfully unaware of sarcasm, beamed. "Thanks, big bro! It took me hours, but I finally got them right!" She sprinted toward him, arms wide open.
Now, Cain wasn't a hugger. Physical affection was for people who had energy to spare. But Lily? Lily was the exception.
With a sigh that suggested he was making the ultimate sacrifice, he spread his arms. The moment she crashed into him, he felt something weird a soft, warm sensation in his chest, like a cat purring in his soul.
Huh. Weird.
He might've stayed like that for a while, but Lily, ever being a ball of infinite energy, immediately broke free and bolted back inside.
Cain stared at the sky. The sun was already dipping low, painting the clouds in shades of orange and pink.
"Today went by quicker than I expected," he mused. "And I didn't even get my peaceful nap."
With the resignation of a man walking to his execution, he turned back toward the house. "Time to return to the dungeon."
Inside, his so-called friends were still there, laughing like hyenas. Lily was now perched on Selene's lap, stuffing her face with snacks. Mira was still asleep on his favorite couch (how she hadn't been woken by the noise was a mystery). Ravena was scanning the room like a hawk planning its next kill, Orion and Zane were in some kind of bro-hug, and Lyra's tail flicked in confusion.
Cain could tell they'd been talking about him but he didn't bother to ask what it was.
"Uhh… if you need me, I'll be upstairs," he announced, already retreating toward the staircase.
"Okay," his mom said, not looking up from feeding Lila. "Don't oversleep. You need to show them out in an hour."
Cain's eye twitched. Why do I have to show them out? Do they not have legs? Did they forget where they live? But arguing required effort, and effort was the enemy.
"Sure… whatever," he grumbled, trudging upstairs like a man ascending his own personal Mount Doom.
An hour later (because, despite everything, Cain did respect his mom), he dragged himself back downstairs.
"Alright, guys—" He paused. The living room was empty.
A spark of hope flickered in his chest.
They left on their own?! BLESS—
"You're looking for your friends?" His mom's voice cut in. "They're outside."
Cain's soul left his body.
"And here I was getting excited," he groaned internally.
He stepped outside to find them all waiting, smirking like they'd just won the lottery at his expense.
"I didn't know you were actually going to come," Selene said, hiding a laugh behind her hand.
Cain scowled. "Bish."
…Oops.
Lily's eyes lit up like Christmas morning. "Yaay! Brother said b*tch!". She immediately started repeating the word like a broken radio "B*tch, b*tch, b*tch!" she chanted, hopping in place.
Cain's blood ran cold.
"Of all the words to repeat, Lily, it had to be this one. Why does the universe hate me?"
Astra, who had been silent until now, smirked. "Try getting out of this one."
"I'm gonna tell Mommy the new word I learned!" Lily sang before darting inside like a tiny, chaotic bullet.
Cain lunged or at least, he attempted to lunge. Laziness made him slow, and Lily was already gone.
"Aw, dang it!" he cursed.
Orion wheezed. "You're cooked, bro. So, so cooked."
Selene patted his shoulder. "Well, we'll leave you to… uhm… save yourself from whatever your mom's gonna do to you."
With that, they all waved and strolled off, their laughter echoing behind them.
Cain stood there, a man defeated by a six-year-old and his own terrible luck.
Then—
"CAAAAAIIIIINNNNN!!!!"
His mother's voice shook the house. Somewhere, a bird took off in terror.
[SYSTEM NOTICE: HOST'S LIFE IS IN DANGER!! FLEE IMMEDIATELY.]
Cain sighed.
"Note to self: Never wake up again."