TW: suicidal thoughts
Eliana didn't know where she was going. Her feet carried her to her room, and as soon as she stepped inside, she collapsed onto the bed. Curling into a ball, she shut her eyes. There were no more tears left to cry. She didn't even feel like crying anymore. She felt hollow. Empty. Like a stranger in her own body.
This place had always felt insane, but some part of her still clung to the hope that one day she'd wake up from it. That she'd go back to her normal life. But not anymore. After what they'd done to her—what they'd changed—there was no going back.
She didn't hear the automatic lock of the door click. Didn't sleep a second. She just lay there, unmoving, eyes staring at nothing as the hours slipped by.
When the door unlocked again and the morning alarm blared through the speakers, she still didn't move. Her body was numb, her mind a haze. She knew she should get up. Go to her classes. Pretend to be obedient. But she couldn't. Not today.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to her parents and brother. "If they kill you because of me... I'm so sorry."
She heard the other recruits pass by her door on their way to class. But she didn't stir.
Of course, they wouldn't let her rot in self-pity. A few minutes later, Theodore and Cobra strolled into her room. She didn't acknowledge them. Just kept lying there.
Cobra didn't bother with niceties. He ripped away her blanket and kicked her off the bed. She hit the ground with a yelp, the air knocked from her lungs.
Theodore let out a low whistle as he looked down at her. "Wow, they did a good job. Doesn't she look beautiful, Cobra?"
Cobra crossed his arms, unimpressed. "I don't care what she looks like. Combat class starts in five minutes. She already missed Damon's fitness session. Get up, or we drag you."
"Why do you care?" Eliana murmured, barely audible. "Just kill me. Kill my family. I'm done."
She rolled onto her side and stared blankly at the wall.
Theodore crouched beside her with a smirk. "It's not that easy, love. Up you go." He grabbed her roughly and yanked her to her feet. "At least be grateful you're not an ugly duckling anymore. Just be a good little recruit and smile or you will regret it."
She didn't respond. Just sat back down.
Cobra let out a sigh and punched her in the stomach. Her body folded in pain, and before she could recover, he grabbed her ankle and began dragging her across the floor.
Her head hit the ground with a dull thud as she was hauled out of the room. Theodore called cheerfully after them, "Told you you'd regret it. Have fun, love!"
Why couldn't they just leave her alone?
She didn't fight. Let herself be pulled like a rag doll. Was this what depression felt like? Numb, hopeless, indifferent?
Maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. Maybe they should just kill her and be done with it. What did it matter? In the end, no one would remember her. Her family. Their suffering. All of it would vanish with time.
The cold ground scraped her back raw as she was dragged through the hall. Stones bit into her skin, and still, she didn't flinch.
As she was dragged across the ground, she spiraled into an existential crisis—desperately trying to justify that her family dying because of her wasn't really her fault. But even that excuse felt hollow.
And who cared, anyway? Everyone died eventually. Death didn't seem so terrifying anymore. Peaceful, even. Her family probably wouldn't even realize what was happening before it was over. Just one more tragedy in a world full of them.
The thought should've torn her apart. But all she felt was a dull, distant ache.
Then, suddenly, she was outside. The sun stung her eyes. Dirt ground into her spine. She blinked against the light, dazed.
Cobra yanked her to her feet and shoved a gun into her hands. "You have two choices," he said, his voice as cold and flat as ever. "Put it to your head and pull the trigger, or get on with it." It sounded as he couldn't care less what she would do and just wanted to get over with whatever she chose
Around them, the other recruits were shooting at targets. Just another day at the academy.
Eliana spotted Keith and quickly looked away. She didn't know what to think anymore. After Tristan's warning... and the kiss... maybe she had been wrong about him too. He was so strange yesterday and to be honest, it gave her the creeps. But there were more important things than Keith right now.
Her eyes dropped to the gun in her hands.
Would they still kill her family if she took her own life?
It would be so easy. One second of courage, and it would all be over. The pain. The fear. The academy.
Her hands trembled. Her breathing was uneven. Her heart raced.
No one paid her any attention. No one cared. Her life meant nothing here.
Was it really worth continuing to suffer?
She raised the gun to her temple. The cold metal touched her skin. Tears spilled over, eyes wide in panic and despair. She would do it, could do it. Her finger only needed to move a little and all this suffering would end.
Do it! Do it, you coward! Her mind screamed at her.
Just as she was about to pull the trigger, her hand shifted. With a strangled scream, she turned and emptied the entire magazine into the nearest target. Bang after bang after bang. Her cries echoed over the field. When the last bullet was gone, she hurled the gun at the target with another scream.
Then she turned and stormed back into the building, her voice hoarse and her hands shaking.
Cobra didn't stop her for now. She had made her choice.
She was staying.
She would survive.
She would become a weapon.