i don't roll over as if i just jumped out of a speeding car. i'm simply on the ground, in the exact spot where i fell, laying face down, on a carpet…
"How are you doing? Are you good?"
"Yes."
i get up. It's me again, and George. We are kids, in my room, the room from the other memory. The windows aren't covered anymore and sun shines through. The room looks really different now that is lit.
"How are those dumb-dumbs doing?"
"How could they do, they're curious about what happened with you. Where were you gone? And how much are your parents going to keep you locked in here?"
"You know i'm not allowed outside, because…i'm ill. The doctor said that it would be better to stay inside the house for a while."
"I haven't been there…so I don't know too much. I just know from what the others told me, and it was not much. They want you to come out, to tell us. I want too."
"Yeah, i too want to go outside, but i can't. They won't let me yet."
"Then tell your parents to let you. Fight. How longer are they going to hold you in?"
"Not them, the doctors. And until they say that i can go outside, my parents won't let me."
"That sucks. That's how it was when I was sick. Not even my parents wanted to stay near me when I had mumps. They both didn't have it in their childhoods. And I spent a lot of time alone, closed in my room."
"Yes i know, i remember. For a few days, we weren't allowed to go outside either. Our parents were scared for us to not get it too."
"Don't you get bored here alone? I died of boredom in that period."
"i am, but i have an imaginary friend. He helps me."
"How awesome. I always wanted an imaginary friend."
"You want to see Him?"
"Yes!"
i see the kid getting off the bed and going towards the window. he's walking oddly, stumbling, and even hits his shoulder into the closet. he raises his hands feeling the air around until he finds the curtain stick. And he pulls the curtain, covering the windows and leaving the room into a semi-darkness. The objects in the room are replaced by shadows, and i see from a corner coming out, Him. Blacker than dark, shadow.
"You see?"
"Woahah!"
George gets scared initially. He can't believe it.
"How awesome! I'm George."
"Nice to meet you, George."
It's His voice. i feel chills running down my spine. i always have this feeling He's looking straight at me, and only at me. That He has his head shaped shadow turned towards me, even though you couldn't know if He's facing you, or turned with His back to you. Only by the direction He's bent, crouched to. George seems shocked, but not terrified enough to run away.
"He said that He's pleased to meet you."
"And what is Your friend doing?"
"He protects me, from Light…and monsters…"
"From light?"
"Yes."
The shadow starts moving, with heavy steps, head tilted down. After the second step i realise, He's coming towards me.
"you should let George go. He's not your friend."
"Ah ha ha. He's a bit jealous."
"With such an imaginary friend, I'm the jealous one."
The shadow comes closer to me, slowly, and then it stops right in front of me. So close, too close to my face, but i can't move away. i'm petrified, stuck from fear. Head is still tilted down, watching over the two kids. He's right above them.
"Tell him to leave."
His voice is so resonating that it's disturbing to my ears. i feel the pressure of the sound on my face, each word creates this small vibration that explodes on my skin, that penetrates my eardrum.
"Let him stay. We'll have enough time to play, just the two of us."
"I'm missing you."
"i'm missing you too. i really wish i could go outside, i'd go right now, without even changing, if i could."
It gives me a huge discomfort to see Him, standing between those two kids, so close to them, right above them, watching them so intently.
"But what happened that night, that you can't go outside?"
"That's it, it's enough, get George out."
"i don't remember that well."
"you don't remember anything?"
"Yes i do, something, but my head hurts when i try to remember."
"Get him out!"
"Try to remember, I want to know."
"No, i can't, please, i don't want to…"
"C'mon, I'm curious. Tell me. Remember."
"Nooo!"
"C'mon you chicken, you're a coward, a coward, a scarred little coward."
"Kill him!"
His voice, the way He said kill him, i felt that i could very well do that, i wanted to kill George. It was an itch that i couldn't endure anymore, an itch in another member, other member than the four. It was George, the fifth member, that i needed to cut off me. i had to get rid of this insane itch, i had to kill him.
"Coward, coward…"
"Enough!"
He raises His hand above George's head. The hand quickly takes the shape of a sharp claw.
"Stop it!"
"I'll kill him."
"Are you going to tell me?"
"No! Yes, i'll tell you…"
"Ok."
"i…know that i entered the tomb…"
"Stop!"
"…and it was very dark, and i was scared."
"I'd be scared too."
"Enough! Or I'll kill him!"
"And i wasn't alone there."
"No?"
"i wasn't alone. No…i heard some kind of…scratching…like someone was…"
i see Him moving His claw from above George's head to mine. And He stabs the claw inside his skull. Into my skull. Deep, until he reaches the middle of the brain. It looked as if He stabbed with a huge knife, and then He continued pushing it further in, the head, the brain opposing resistance. In that moment, the kid was stunned, perfectly still…i was dead. He takes His claw out of my head and then goes to the window. George is a little scared, he doesn't understand what's going on.
"What did you hear?"
George gets up and grabs my shoulder.
"Hey, are you ok? Hey! Say something, stop joking."
But no matter how hard he'd shake me, how loud he'd yell at me, it was useless. i lost control.
"Ma-am! Ma-am! Something is wrong."
George runs out of the room and to my mum.
"Ma-am!"
But, i'm dead. Mentally, i'm not responding at all to the outside world. i see Him how from behind the curtain, safe from the outside light, pulls the curtain even more, enveloping the room in complete darkness. i can barely see Him anymore. He's almost camouflaged, but His blackness is still distinctively loud. But if i take my eyes off Him, i don't think i'll find Him after.
i go to the window to pull the curtain open. i hear mum coming with George in the room. i hear them trying to talk to me. i hear how they try to wake me up, get me out of the trance. That dark coma. i have to give him back the control.
i grab the curtain and pull it fast to the other end until it falls of. The room fills with light instantly. i look behind, after the kid, he's not there anymore, it's just my mum and George, scared, looking at me, or somewhere near me, where the kid is. i see the kid standing still, near me, holding the curtain as if he also pulled it. i see him looking terrified outside. Scared to death. In shock. Breathing so intense, turning suddenly pale, i can even see on the chest, the heart beating outside of his chest. Even my heart is disturbed, like a bumblebee captured in a jar, hitting all the walls of the thorax.
Mum comes and takes him away from near me. She puts him on the bed and tries to get something out of him, a reaction, anything. Nothing. i turn to the window. Through it, i can clearly see, the cemetery. It's right in front of the building, right in front of me, the cemetery. So close that i can see all the gravestones, clearly. i can see the tomb. The fallen door. And a human shadow inside.
i can barely take this anymore. i feel my brain getting tired, deprived of oxygen. i start to lose my consciousness. my control.
*
my body is jerked towards the window and my face hits it. All is filling with smoke, my eyes are stinging lightly, the brain is hot, burning, as if it is the source of all this smoke. It smells like burnt. i look closely through the window, i see the street, the trees, the curve, the buildings, the cemetery, the sky, and all of them start moving pass me, faster and faster. i'm in the car still. i turn to Him, He's still to my right.
"Here is your stop."
"Why do You keep showing me these false memories?"
"They are yours. you better hurry, it's green."
i look ahead, the light is green, the no-driver puts it in speed, and the row of cars starts moving. i get out of the car and go towards the curve. i'm just two streets away from George's apartment.
"you still want to…"
i turn suddenly, but He's nowhere.
"Yes."
"After all you've seen?"
"What have i seen? He did nothing to me, George, in this memory of Yours. In this lie of Yours!"
"you'll see, in the end, when you'll touch the light as you always do, when you'll reach the end of the tunnel. you'll see that I was only telling the truth. But then, you'll get burned by the power of the light. you'll be punished for chasing it. And then you'll fall, like Icarus, but even lower than you are now."
"There is no lower."
"you don't know. But if you keep going like this, I'll show you, even if I…promised Myself that I'll never do this to you again, but I'm not going to let you drag both of us, into your hell."
i enter George's building, climb the stairs and get inside. i see him in the kitchen. Phone on the table, piece of paper right next to it, and the pack of cigarettes in his hand. George is smoking and looking intently at the phone. i light up a cigarette too.
"No smoking in the house."
i turn to see his sister at the door.
"Yes, I know, I'm sorry but… I…I'll put it out, close the door and go to your room."
She scoffs and closes the door. i hear her walking loudly to her room and then closing another door. George is doing some more rounds throughout the kitchen and then finally sits down on the chair. He slaps the table, takes the phone, presses a few buttons and then turns it off and puts it back.
"I don't know what to do."
"Call them. Call my parents. Talk with them, stop being so ashamed."
"I don't know."
"Fuck! Just call them already!"
He puts out his cigarette in the ashtray and eats a few crackers.
"If you'd invite my parents to stay with you, you wouldn't have to eat crackers all day. You'd have a warm meal. When was the last time since you ate something cooked, something healthy, something good?"
"I would need their help. With my brothers, around the house, with a proper meal."
"Exactly!"
"I can't."
"Fuck, me! Call them already, please."
George is eating some more crackers and grabs the phone. He puts it back and lights up another cigarette. Ah, i don't know what to do anymore. i can't tell him to call them. i could…form the number for him, when he's not paying attention, and then call. He'll think it was a mistake or some error, and i'll finally get him to make the call.
i go behind him and put some ash from my cigarette, on the sponge material covered by plastic leather, from the chair next to him. i place my hands around the still lit ash and start blowing slowly. The plastic leather starts melting and the ash digs lower, into the sponge part. Some smoke starts coming out and the sponge is burning. i get back and wait with my eyes on George and my hand right above his phone. George smells the smoke and then sees it coming from the chair. He's not paying attention.
i quickly open the phone, get in my mum's mobile number and press call, and i fall back quickly. He already had the number saved. The first beep of calling comes through, and George looks at the phone. He's trying to quickly put out the small fire i started and then he raises the phone to see, he's calling mum. He doesn't get to close the call, she answers.
"Hello?"
George stops and looks at the screen. He's too afraid now to close it, but he can't talk either.
"George? Can you hear me?"
"Y-y-yes…hello."
"How are you doing George?"
my mother's voice seems more, lively, somehow. But it still feels she's hiding something, her pain.
"Ok…"
George only speaks in pauses. And barely a word or two. What are you doing George?!
"Well, you called us, you wanted to talk…?"
"Uhm…you know my mother…"
"Yes, I'm sorry, I heard…condolences. We…do you need help with something? Do you need anything?"
"No, no, actually…yes, there is something."
He starts talking. i get out of the kitchen. Finally. Get out of the apartment and slide down through each floor until i reach the ground floor. i head to the door, but i stop right before… Through the windows of the building's entrance, i see nothing. Just black, as if nothing awaits me outside.
"Open it."
"No."
"Open it and get through, outside awaits your next memory."
"No. i don't see anything. Nothing awaits me outside."
"But something does await for you outside. This is not a memory from the past. It's a memory from the future."
"There's nothing. i…i don't want to."
"Get out! Go and see what awaits you if you continue to follow the light. C'mon!"
"There's nothing there!"
"That's not true!"
Beyond the windows, in the pitch-black darkness, i see a small flame lighting up. A lighter that lights, obscurely, the darkness. For less than a second, i thought i saw my face in there, engulfed by the flame's light and a dark powder. Or maybe it was just my reflection. i turn around and go out through the back exit.
"i don't want to see anything of what You have to show me."
i open the door and get out. It's light, sun high on the sky, everything is normal. i head towards Sarah's. i want to see how she's doing. i light up a cigarette and hop in a bus that was waiting at the light. i climb up on the seat of the bus and pull myself up through the roof, then sit on the roof of the bus. The wind, i don't feel, neither the sun, not even the inertia of the bus. If it breaks or accelerates hard, i'm not moved at all. i've started to get used to this situation i'm in now. i've started to get used to being dead. To not feel anything. i don't even know if i'll ever be any different.
The bus arrives at the junction where i have to get out and i jump down. i walk the rest of the distance to Sarah. i throw away the cigarette and climb the stairs to her floor. i stop before her door and…can't move forward. i remember how i left her last time. What i've done to her. my heart is tearing itself up in pieces from the pain. i can't walk past her door. It's too hard for me to see her, no matter what…
"you want Me to show you what…"
"i don't want You to show me anything."
i take a step further and in her apartment. i'm shaking. i hear a voice, a voice coming from a speaker. i head to her room, past her bathroom door that's still down and in pieces…i can't look inside, i'm scared of what i'm going to…remember. i stop at her room's doorway. i can see Sarah from here, how she's laying in bed, face down in the pillow, still, and just listening.
'…had control, over myself… This was your message, to delete this message press one, to exit the voicemail press two, to play the message again press 3.'
Nothing else comes from the phone, i enter the room and get close to Sarah. She gets up on her elbows, reaches to the phone and presses three, then she gets back in the same position, hiding her face in the pillow. i sit down near her, and look at the phone.
'You got the following message from, 0733554949, the message was received at, 03, and, 25, minutes. Beeeep. Hi-h-hey Sarah, i, am, am, am stupid, for what i've done. i'm very…very sorry, i'm sorry. i promised that i won't, that it won't happen again, but…i don't deserve, you, i want you to know, that you don't deserve to be with a stupid guy like me. With a loser. i don't…i don't know what was in my head, there wasn't anything in my head. Empty stupid head. i'd like very much to…i'd love…but it can't be, we can't, i…can't. i don't know why. i love…very much…extremely much. You don't even know how much… But i can't make you suffer anymore. i beg you…forgive me for this, out of nowhere. i…i…i don't know either what happened then. It was my fault. But i wasn't myself. i don't understand, why…who was… But i didn't have control, over myself… This was your message, to delete this message press one, to exit the voicemail…'
i look at Sarah, she's not moving at all, she just lays there, face planted into the pillow.
'…to play the message again press 3.'
Sarah gets up the same way, on her little beautiful elbows, reaches the phone with her hand, and presses three. I start crying uncontrollably…
'You got the following message from…'
She then lays back in the same position and just listens. Just for a second i got to see her face, also full of tears.
"…your best, fucking, friend. BEEEEEEP. Let's fuck Sarah, let's fuck like two animals, and while we're fucking, let's both think of…"
"Shut it!"
It's His voice, coming from the phone's speaker.
"I know what you're thinking about… How did I managed to fit, in here? Well…seriously, even I don't know the answer to this question. But I don't want to make this longer than it should be, so come on down, this poor driver has been waiting for at least half a life. If you look closely to his face you'll see how he got pale from so much waiting."
"What driver?"
"What do you mean what driver? your personal driver. He's waiting to drive you to the premiere of your new theatre play. you even have the suit ready and waiting for you."
"What…"
"What play? What do you mean what play? The play of your life, well we're not going to see the entire play, it's too long and it has anyway a brutal sudden ending, very predictable by the way. No, we're going to see just an act. The sexual act even. Mmmm, the most intriguing moment of the play I could say. A turning point in the life of the persona. It contains so many feelings and emotions, and secrets… If I haven't convinced you yet, wait first to find out what actors are playing the scene. In the leading role we have, none other than, you. And in secondary role, the beautiful, wonderful, delightful and bitch, Sarah. C'mon, come quicker to the car. Don't make the driver wait too much, he might disappear. Ahahaha!"
"i'm not coming anywhere."
"you don't under…"
i get up, go to Sarah's phone and press the screen locking button. The voice stopped. Sarah raises her face from the pillow, she gets up from the bed to check her phone. She opens her phone, gets out of the voicemail and closes the phone. She then lays back in her bed and starts crying. i don't want to stay here. i can't do anything to comfort her. And as long as i stay near her, i feel two totally different pains, regret and hate. i can't handle this.
i get out of her apartment and out of the building. In front of the building there's a black car waiting for me. A luxury Mercedes long almost like a limousine. The car is awaiting me with the back door open and the driver is standing still near the door, with his left hand pointing towards the door, as if making sign to go in. The driver has chauffeur's clothes, old films style. A suit, white gloves and a hat. i can't see his face because he keeps his head down.
For a second i had the intention to get in the car. A curiosity. But i don't want to. i don't want to listen to His stories and play His games anymore. i turn to the left and go away. i light up a cigarette and just keep walking, don't know where, but i'm not looking back. i just want to wait for Sarah to stop crying and go back to her, but i can't…forgive her yet.
To my right, i notice a black car coming into my field of view, and it drives slowly, it's following me. Inside the car can't be seen anything, all the windows are tinted, even the front ones. i pick up the pace and see how it does the same. i walk even faster just to be sure, and the car matches my speed perfectly, unbothered by traffic as if it has its own prepaid lane.
A small street comes to my left, i throw the cigarette and dash on that street. i look behind and the street is empty, it seems the car couldn't turn left because of the traffic. i turn right at the end of the street and run between the buildings, on small streets or boardwalks too narrow for the car to drive on. i run out of an alleyway and onto a main road, and then i keep running for two more junctions. Then i slow down to walking again. i check around me, no black tinted car in sight. i think i got rid of it for a while.
i try to keep my mind only on Sarah, but each time when i project her in my mind, then quickly follows the image with her and Matt in the shower cabin. Two naked humans committing the greatest sin. Betrayal. And i have to forgive them to escape from this shit world. But if i go now to Matt, and see him in front of my eyes, i'll lay him out, i'll kill him, and then, i could forgive him, it should count. It should work. i just have to forgive them after all.