The door opens. It's my mother. The mother from now, the mother from yesterday, the old one, the present one. She has tears in her eyes.
"You have two more days to pay up the rent."
i hear this from behind, it's the landlord. He turns around, goes into the elevator and goes down. Mum was still standing in the doorway. She's worn out. She comes back to her senses and closes the door. i pass through the door. Most of their things were already packed. Dad comes in from the balcony looking through his phone.
"I spoke with my cousin. They don't have place in their studio for us al…us two."
Mum sits on the chair and her head falls onto her hands, her fingers go slowly through her hair and then she closes her fists, as if she wants to tear her hair out.
"What are we going to do? I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. I can't live without him."
She bursts into crying, dad goes to her and starts comforting her.
"I'm at the end too. We'll…get over, we'll try."
"I don't have what to live for anymore. What am I leaving behind? What happened with my boy?"
i get out of the kitchen and go into my room. i can still hear them talking, but it's intelligible and barely noticeable. The old room was left intact. Only the dust touched my stuff. i go to my hidden spot and take the book. They don't deserve this, my parents, they've done nothing wrong. They did good by me. All my life they took care of me. i, have to help them. i can't leave them like this, i can't let this happen and then torment myself for an eternity that i did this. For how they've been with me until the accident, they deserve all the help i can give. But i don't know how to give it…
"There's no need. Haven't you seen who your parents are, truly? What they say, do, think?"
"It's not true."
"you think I'm lying to you? What reason do I have?"
"i don't think anything. i just know, that what i've seen in my parents, at night, wasn't true. i know this! Why would i believe a few hours, against almost two decades?"
"Alright! It wasn't true."
"So You lied to me?"
"No! It was just, what they were thinking. It was their thoughts you've seen at night, the thoughts they're probably ashamed of, and that they don't act on. But it is what they think! What I showed you, at night, are their lone thoughts, empty, that don't have the courage to get out except in maximum safety, in obscurity, or never."
"Everybody does that! Even i had a lot of thoughts that i was ashamed of! And that i didn't acted on, but was so close. Thoughts that bad, that others would hate me too for. It's not like i wanted those thoughts, but they come, spontaneous, without calling them or needing them. And we can't control them, so they'll always be there, and they'll always come. But what we do, what actions we take, in spite of those thoughts, represents who we are. Who we really are. Our true selves!"
"you're weak, too weak. A punching bag for everybody. And everybody takes a piss on you, and what you do? you open your fucking mouth."
"i don't want to see or hear what people are thinking, don't show me anymore. It doesn't help me at all."
"Alright, but it wasn't me that wanted this. And so you know, the absolute truth, what someone really thinks of, you won't find it out any other way. And it's important to know who people really are."
"Everybody's thinking, sometimes, by mistake, in a moment of weakness, at something terrible, regrettable. i should know best. And we all have our moments of weakness, when the worst is getting out. Even if they would have said this, my parents, 'that they piss on me', aloud, before i died, i'd still swallow it after all. No matter what thoughts would've come to me. What my parents did for me, all my life, is more than what i could ever repay."
"And the memory?"
"i don't believe in it."
"That memory, wasn't altered in any way."
"i don't recognize it, i don't remember it, it's not my memory!"
"yours it is. And what about Sarah and Matt? What about them? Nothing of what you've seen of them together, happened at night! And if you wouldn't have interrupted them…they would've fucked and…"
"Shut up!"
"you see? you see w…"
"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UUUUP!"
It's quiet. i hear someone behind me. i turn and see dad. He's staying at the door and looks around the room. He sights, but stays still, without breathing after, without even moving his head. He finally starts breathing again and comes in. He's sad. But it doesn't show, depression, sadness, pain, none of these can be read from his face. But he's looking so empty of life, empty altogether, like a marionette with strings pulled by an unskilled puppeteer. A puppeteer that doesn't put feelings or life in the puppet's moves, not putting soul in the puppet's actions.
Dad starts gathering some objects, pulls out what needs to be pulled from the sockets, wrapping all the cables and stops at the last power strip. The one that has the night light still connected to. He takes it out, but he then pushes it back in and presses the button. It doesn't light up. He presses the button to turn it off and then turn it on again, repeatedly, but it doesn't work. He grabs the bulb, tries to screw it in, but it's already screwed. He tries to push the bulb even further, until it breaks in his hand. He's cut and blood flows out, slowly, but he doesn't pay attention to the wound. He just sits on the edge of my bed and, i can see on his face how he's trying so hard not to cry. He's holding in as hard as he can. He puts his clean hand on his eyes and pushes them in, as if he's trying to shove his tears back in. His breathing is trembling, his hand, his mouth.
"Why did you had to take the car? W-w-why did you had to, to go after George? Why? Why? Tell me? Couldn't you have just stayed at home? Couldn't you just have stayed alive?"
He's trying to stay calm, holding his breath, but he can't. He bursts too. It's hard. i've never seen my father cry. You don't usually see a mature…a man, crying. It's not an easy sight. Like a lion bowing his head down, giving up on life in front of a clan of hyenas, surrendering its body to be mauled on. i want to get out of the room, i can't see him like this anymore, but i feel i can't leave now, and leave him alone.
"Why did you go back there? you shouldn't have done that. No…no…not at all. It's our fault…that we didn't protect you… It's my fault…"
Went back? There? There where?
"Went back where?"
"I was so dumb. I should've hidden the keys, to not keep them for you to find. I should've…I should…I…"
i hear mum coming in. She already has tears in her eyes. She sits near dad and hugs him. Until now he cried quietly, to not be heard by her. But now, he had no reason to hide, he starts crying loud. They both do. It's the most terrible, fucked up thing i could ever witness… i can't handle it. No… The image. The sounds. Everything. i get out of the apartment, fast. i sniff hard, wipe the tears off my cheeks and try to breathe. Slower. i'm pulling myself together. i…
How do i help them?! i can't just offer them the book, i can't just give them the book, or send it to my agent directly, or have someone help me. Fuck! There is no one to help me anyway. i could make like an envelope, with the Publishing house at the destination, and where i write that i thank him. And i could place it in my room, somewhere to be found easy. But somewhere where they wouldn't have observed it already, but still find it easy. It's hard. They haven't moved anything in my room, but they'll have to do it, i guess. So i should just cover it?
i light up a cigarette and wait for it to get to the half. Fuck… i throw the cigarette away and get back in the apartment.
They're not in my room anymore. i take a pen and write the sender, the recipient, and the message, and my thanks to my agent, all on a piece of paper. Piece that i staple on the dossier i took from the library. On the piece of paper i also state that i fixed the mistakes, that it is done and ready, and that i thank him for choosing to publish it. i also add some URGENT somewhere there, as they have to send it immediately. In the dossier, i check if the pages corrected by me are there. And all is ready.
But where to hide it? Not somewhere where they would've noticed it already… As i look around the room, my eyes keep stopping on the chair. They still haven't taken the clothes off of it. And my parents barely got to gather any of my things. So i take some clothes off, throw them in the closet and place the book on the chair. i take the rest of the clothes and cover it all. But it still feels like is not enough, i just need to… i move them so just a small corner of the dossier remains uncovered. Looks good.
i get out of the room, of the apartment, of the building. And i start wondering around. i light up a cigarette. i'd like to go to George too. He's my best friend. He started to suffer since his mother got in the hospital, in fact since before that, since when she got sick. And after, she died, and i died, and he was left alone with his younger brother and sister. He's alone, with nobody to help him. i'm heading to his apartment. But before, i stop at a shop, go in, grab a pen without being seen, take also a notebook, and then straight to him.
i go into his building and up the stairs to his door. Before going in, i tear a small piece of paper and write:
'If you don't pay in a week the rent for the last two months and the current one YOU ARE OUT ON THE STREETS!!!'
i can't leave it here in front of his door, and inside would be too obvious. i have to place it somewhere where he wouldn't have seen it all these days. And then i have to make him look there. To be sure he finds the paper. i get inside where i'm greeted by silence, i search in every room for George until i get in the kids' room. George was laying with his brother and sister in the bed, all sleeping, stuck one to each other. It's dark in here, the curtains are still closed. i take my phone out of the pocket, it's almost 11.
i get out of the room and start wandering around the apartment. The other rooms are filled with sunlight, so i don't have to turn on the lights. But no idea comes into my mind as i look everywhere. i try to remember what i did in the morning when i went to George. i've been to the kids' room, and the living room, but nowhere else.
i go to the living room and look at every possible place to hide the paper. Nothing helpful. No object under where i could place the paper and know it will be picked up. i get out of the living room.
i've also been in the foyer, as it connects the two aforementioned rooms with the entrance door. And here i see a shoe cabinet and near it i see two pairs of shoes. A pair that he wore all these days, and another pair of sport shoes that he rarely wears. i take the piece of paper and put it under the pair he barely wears, with a corner of the paper sticking out. i pull the corner out a little more, to be easier to spot and stand up. It's not enough, i bend again and pull it out even more, it's perfect. i look around to be sure no one saw all that and get out.
If George talks with my parents and they move into his apartment, he could then continue college without having problems with the money. Without having to worry about his brother and sister all day long, and having to deal with them alone. And my parents would have a place to sleep, and from where they wouldn't have the fear of being thrown out on the streets. i head to the stairs and go down. The light dims down for a moment.
"Perfect, bravo, now it's time to forgive Matt and Sarah."
"Shut up!"
"It's not like they fucked right after your funeral. The same, fucking, day."
"Nothing happened."
"That's because you intervened."
"All that You showed me until now was a lie."
"No. I showed you what you wanted to see, and you saw only the truth, all their thoughts, out on the surface. you wished for this, to see what they do, what they feel, what they think. Why else did you want to 'visit' them now as an unknown presence? To penetrate their intimacy. And I want this to be clear, I hadn't, in any way, altered what you saw. I cannot lie. What you saw, were only thoughts, not actions. And the two of them, very good friends of yours, acted, in broad daylight. It wasn't night when they were hugging and holding hands at the cemetery, it wasn't night when they went to your grave, or when they went in the shower and…"
"Enough!"
"But please, go and help them, forgive them, turn the other cheek. All your life they profited off you, and they made fun of you. you've been used by absolutely everybody."
"Shut up!"
"C'mon, return swiftly to your master…"
"Shut up!"
"…like a good tool that you are. you know, if you work hard enough and really want this…"
"Shut the fuck up already!"
"…you'll get to be the slave of the fucking year! They…!"
"Begone!"
i get out of the building and light up a cigarette. i'm so…i'm pulling from the cigarette so hard that it starts burning from the middle, and in just a few seconds half of it falls down as ash. i'll head to my parents' house. i throw up the cigarette and light up another. i'm thinking only about those two. Them, i can't…i don't think i can forgive. It's impossible. i get to my parents' apartment, i don't even enter through the door, i just go through the wall that leads to my room. The chair is empty. They found it…!
That's…good. i get out of the room and don't find them in the other room, or the kitchen. Where are they? They barely even got to gather the stuff from my room. They saw the book, and where did they disappear? They went to the publishing house? It was written on the recipient but… i hear the landline ringing. i go instinctively and grab it, but i don't raise the receiver. It still rings. i let it ring and look around their room. They managed to pack up almost everything. There are only boxes here. i get out of the room and hear the answering machine, and then the message being left.
"Uhm, i'm sorry, it was a mistake."
It was George's voice, dumbass, he's to ashamed to ask my parents for help. They need it too. They need a place to stay. You stupid! And i can't call him. What am i going to do?
i get out of the building and head to his apartment again. i pull out a cigarette and try to light it up. Somewhere close i hear a voice, that i know, that asks a taxi driver if he'll take him to the Kiseleff Park. i could get in the taxi with him, to make it faster and easier.
i turn to the taxi and see a man, that seems to be homeless, getting in the car. i quickly go after him, around the car, and get in the back through the door. i can't believe though the driver let such a dirty and most probably bad smelling man get in his car. And from where would this homeless have the money to pay for the fare?
i light up my cigarette and turn my head to the window to look outside, at the trees and the buildings going fast past me. Faster and faster. The taxi driver seems to be in a hurry. He's definitely driving over the speed limit. On the window, a strange reflection grabs my attention. i don't know what it was, i didn't got a good look before it went away.
my cigarette, it seems, i didn't light it up very well. i pull out the lighter and try to light it up again. But the lighter doesn't work, no flame is coming out. Too odd to consume all the gas in just a few days since i bought…took it. From my right comes a hand with a lighter, a flame comes out from the first try.
"Thanks."
i bend forward and position the cigarette into the flame while pulling more than needed to, to be sure it lights up well. From the light of the flame, i notice that the hand holding the lighter is completely black. i turn my head to my right, it's just a shadow. A dark shadow shaped as a human. It's Him. i look ahead at the taxi driver, there's no one there, it's empty, no one is driving, but the car is driven. Inside the car, light goes off completely, as if the car went into a tunnel. i look outside the window, it's dark, pitch-black. i'm here, stuck with Him, in a taxi. i look again at Him. A black so distinctively, it can be instantly noticed in this nearly pitch-black environment. i hate this image…
"Hey. Remember me?"
"No… What the fuck is happening? Where are we going?"
"It's time."
"What time?"
"It's time for another memory."
"No. No! These are not my memories. Leave me alone!"
i open the car's door and jump out.