J. Jonah Jameson's Editorial: "Spider-Man—Hero or Hustler?"By J. Jonah Jameson, Editor-in-Chief of The Daily Bugle
Ladies and gentlemen of New York, wake up!
For weeks, we have watched this so-called "hero," Spider-Man, swing through our streets, causing property damage, interfering in police business, and leaving chaos in his wake. But now—oh, now he's upped his game.
Now, he's not just a masked menace—he's a businessman!
That's right, folks. In a shocking twist, Spider-Man has decided to cash in on his criminal skills by offering "security consultations" to banks and businesses. And what does that mean? It means he's breaking into places, recording himself doing it, and then charging them a ridiculous amount of money to tell them how he did it!
I ask you, New York—IS THIS A HERO?!
A real hero doesn't charge hard-working people hundreds of thousands of dollars just to do what the police are already trying to do! A real hero doesn't sneak into banks in the middle of the night and then expect a paycheck for it!
Tell me, what's stopping this wall-crawling con artist from setting up the heist himself and then pretending to "fix" it afterward? What's stopping him from sharing his so-called security weaknesses with actual criminals?
NOTHING!
And yet, the city praises him. The banks hand him money. And we, the good, honest people of New York, are supposed to believe this is all for our benefit?
Give me a break.
Mark my words, folks—this is just the beginning. Today, it's security consultations. Tomorrow? Protection rackets. And after that? Who knows?
The Bugle will continue to report the TRUTH about Spider-Man, no matter how many blind fools choose to look the other way.
SPIDER-MAN IS NOT A HERO.HE IS A SCAM ARTIST IN A MASK.
And this city needs to open its eyes before it's too late.
J. Jonah Jameson
Editor-in-Chief, The Daily Bugle
Jameson: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW THIS MASKED MENACE WAS A FRAUD! But did anyone listen to me? NO! And now look what's happening! The guy is literally CHARGING BANKS to tell them how he broke in! That's not a hero—that's a CRIMINAL WITH A PR BUSINESS!"
Robbie Robertson: "Jonah, he's actually helping improve security. The crime rate is down, and no banks have been robbed in a week—"
Jameson: "BECAUSE HE'S THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO ROB THEM! What's next?! Is he gonna start charging people to NOT break into their houses?! 'Oh, hey, Mr. Johnson, nice apartment you got here—would be a shame if some masked guy CRAWLED THROUGH YOUR WINDOW. But for a small fee, I'll tell you how I got in!'—DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF, ROBBIE?!"
Robbie: "Jonah, the NYPD actually said this has helped them—"
Jameson: "OH, SURE, LET'S JUST LET VIGILANTES DO THE POLICE'S JOB! WHY DON'T WE JUST GIVE HIM A BADGE WHILE WE'RE AT IT?! BETTER YET, WHY NOT MAKE HIM MAYOR?! SPIDER-MAN FOR MAYOR—WHAT A JOKE!"
Podcast Producer (off-mic): "Jonah, you need to calm down—"
Jameson: "I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! THIS CITY IS BEING SCAMMED AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT! MARK MY WORDS, PEOPLE—THIS IS A SETUP! AND WHEN SPIDER-MAN STARTS PULLING OFF HEISTS HIMSELF, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!"
(End of broadcast.)
Beneath the quiet slopes of Mt. Moses, deep within the earth, Peter Parker was hard at work—or rather, hard at play—as he sculpted his brand-new base using his high-level earth affinity.
Dressed in his Spider-Man suit (because, let's be honest, building a secret lair felt cooler in costume), he moved his hands in fluid gestures, shifting massive chunks of rock and dirt like a maestro conducting an orchestra.
And, of course, because he was Peter Parker, he was singing his own theme song while doing it.
🎵 "Spider-Man, Spider-Man, digging dirt like no one can!
Got no shovel, got no tools—
I got powers, ain't it cool?" 🎵
With a flick of his wrist, a chunk of earth rose from the ground, shaping itself into a sturdy, reinforced cavern wall.
🎵 "Dirt to the left, dirt to the right,
Gotta make sure the ceiling's tight!
Don't want rocks to crush my head,
'Cause that would leave me super dead!" 🎵
As he worked, he heard Naruto's unimpressed voice.
"Parker," Naruto said, crossing his arms, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Building my Batcave—I mean—Spider-Cave," Peter said, wiping nonexistent sweat from his brow. "What does it look like?"
Naruto sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It looks like a hobbit hole. No—scratch that—it looks like a mole rat's emergency bunker. What is this, some kind of doomsday prepper hideout? If you're gonna build a base, make it look like a base! Have some style, dude!"
Peter blinked. "Hey! I like simplicity! Plus, I'm underground. Who's gonna judge me, the worms?"
Naruto shook his head. "You're thinking small, Parker. You got earth manipulation powers—use them! Make it grand! You ever seen my empire? You think I built a throne room out of mud and regret?"
Peter opened his mouth. Then closed it.
"…You got a point."
"Damn right, I do. Now, here's what you gotta do—pillars. Arches. Reinforced walls. Make some badass lighting. And for the love of ramen, get rid of that uneven floor! You want people thinking you're some cave goblin, or do you want them to say, 'Wow, Spider-Man's got style!'?"
Peter grumbled, but he did as Naruto suggested.
He lifted his hands, and the cavern shook as massive, elegant stone pillars rose from the ground, creating a fortified main chamber. He molded the walls into sleek, smooth surfaces, carving in spider-themed patterns just for flair. The entrance, which had just been a boring hole in the wall, transformed into an impressive arched gateway, complete with a reinforced metal door that only opened with his biometric scan.
For lighting, Peter embedded luminescent minerals into the ceiling, mimicking the glow of soft blue and red lights. It gave the place a futuristic vibe—something straight out of a sci-fi superhero lair.
And because Naruto wouldn't shut up about making it look cool, Peter added a massive holographic display in the center of the main chamber, perfect for monitoring crime reports, analyzing data, and playing video games when he got bored.
Finally, he stepped back and admired his work.
Naruto smirked. "Now that's a base."
Peter folded his arms. "It still feels a little extra…"
"Dude," Naruto chuckled, "you swing around in red and blue spandex fighting guys dressed like electrocuted Christmas trees—I think 'extra' is kinda your thing."
Peter sighed. "Yeah… fair point."
Looking at the massive underground lair he had just built, he had to admit—Naruto was right. If he was going to have a base, it needed to be worthy of Spider-Man.
And now?
It totally was.
Peter stood back, arms crossed, as he admired the new suit he had designed for Jessica. It was unmistakably inspired by Wonder Woman from DC Comics, but with a modern twist—and, of course, a mask that made it impossible for anyone to recognize her identity, courtesy of Naruto.
The suit was made of advanced polymer armor, lightweight but highly durable, with a sleek red and gold design that had a more tactical, modernized feel rather than a flashy superhero look. The golden chest piece reinforced her upper body, while black combat-grade leggings replaced the original skirt design, making it more practical for urban fights.
And the best part? Her new gear.
Peter handed her the sword and shield he had prepared. The sword was forged with highly dense alloy, making it nearly unbreakable, while the shield was made of a lightweight yet super-dense metal, capable of absorbing and redirecting kinetic energy.
"Wow, Pete," Jessica said, examining the gear with a smirk, "so you think I'm a warrior princess now? Should I start speaking in an Amazonian accent?"
Peter rolled his eyes. "It's functional. You're strong, but your stamina isn't infinite. If you burn out all your energy in a fight, you need backup weapons."
Jessica spun the sword in her hand and grinned. "Not gonna lie—this makes me feel pretty badass."
"That's because it is badass," Peter said. "But wait—there's more!"
He stepped to the side and revealed an energy rifle, sleek and compact, with a design tailored for close-quarters combat.
"This little baby," Peter continued, "amplifies your energy abilities. Not only does it enhance your attacks, but it can store excess energy that you don't use throughout the day—meaning, you get stronger every time you fight."
Jessica's eyes widened as she grabbed the weapon and held it in her hands. "You're telling me this thing lets me save up energy like a video game power-up?"
Peter smirked. "That's exactly what I'm telling you."
Jessica let out an impressed whistle. "Okay, now this is cool." She swung the sword, then tested the weight of the shield. "You put a lot of thought into this."
"I had to," Peter shrugged. "If we're gonna do this hero thing, we need to do it right."
Jessica grinned, but then she glanced at her outfit again—and that's when the teasing started.
"You know," she said, "I appreciate the effort, Pete, but did you really have to go full Wonder Woman with the design?"
Peter blinked. "What's wrong with it?"
Jessica smirked. "I mean, don't get me wrong—I love the tactical armor upgrade—but you totally gave me a superheroine bodysuit. You could've gone for something, I don't know… less form-fitting?"
Peter coughed and looked away. "Hey! The design is optimized for flexibility and combat! And besides, it's practical!"
Jessica raised an eyebrow. "Practical, huh?" She struck a pose, hands on her hips. "Lemme guess—you spent extra time making sure the design was 'optimized' for other reasons, huh?"
Peter groaned. "Oh my god, you're impossible."
Jessica laughed, twirling the sword before slipping it into the magnetic sheath on her back.
"Well, regardless of your questionable fashion choices," she said, "I gotta say—this gear is awesome. You really thought of everything, didn't you?"
Peter smiled. "Of course. We're partners, right?"
Jessica smirked. "Damn right we are. Now come on—let's go test this bad boy out."
With that, the newly upgraded Wonder Woman 2.0 stepped into the world—ready to kick ass in style.
The Spider-Man Fan Club had exploded in popularity over the past few weeks, growing from a handful of students into a city-wide movement. What started as Flash Thompson's idea had turned into a well-organized group, spreading news about Spider-Man's actions, writing articles, speculating on his abilities, and even creating official merchandise.
The club had an actual website, updated daily with photos, videos, and interviews of people Spider-Man had saved. They also had a podcast where members discussed his latest fights and theories.
And the best part? They were making money off it.
Harry Osborn, using his minor business skills, had set up funding for the club. He handled merchandise sales, selling shirts, stickers, and posters, while also securing sponsorships from local businesses who wanted to be associated with the hero of New York.
One evening, after a patrol, Spider-Man decided to pay them a visit. He slipped into their clubroom at ESU, crawling along the ceiling as Flash and the others discussed their latest project.
"So, I'm thinking we get an actual documentary going," Flash said, pacing the room, "like a full 'Rise of Spider-Man' video. We can interview the people he's saved and—"
"Hmm, I dunno," Spider-Man's voice suddenly chimed in, "sounds like a lot of work for a guy who doesn't even have an agent yet."
The room froze.
Everyone turned their heads, eyes wide, as Spider-Man hung upside-down from the ceiling, arms crossed.
"HOLY—" Flash nearly jumped out of his seat.
Harry, to his credit, just smirked. "Took you long enough."
One of the club members, a girl named Stacy, squealed. "Oh my god, he's actually here!"
Spider-Man dropped down, landing smoothly on his feet. "Yeah, yeah, don't mind me. Just swinging by to check out my unofficial PR department." He looked around at the posters, the T-shirts, and even a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself in the corner.
"Okay, first off—who approved that cutout?" Spidey pointed at it. "I mean, the pose is cool, but did you guys have to use a shot where my butt looks that good?"
Flash crossed his arms. "Dude, your butt always looks good. That's not our fault."
Spider-Man blinked. "I—well, okay, fair point." He turned to Harry. "And you're funding all this?"
Harry nodded, leaning back in his chair. "Merch sales are through the roof, and local businesses are supporting us. You're basically a brand now."
Spider-Man groaned. "Great. Just what I needed—to become a walking advertisement. What's next? A cologne called 'Web-Slinger: The Scent of Justice'?"
Flash snapped his fingers. "That's actually a great idea!"
"No, it is not."
After the initial chaos, Spider-Man sat on the desk while the group asked him questions.
"So, Spidey," Flash said, "since we're running your fan club, got any requests?"
Spider-Man thought for a moment. "Yeah—no stalking me."
Flash scoffed. "Pfft, please. We're not paparazzi."
"Good. Also, stop making up weird rumors about me."
One of the members, a guy named Kevin, raised his hand. "So you're saying you didn't fight a mutant Tiger last week?"
Spider-Man sighed. "Okay, that one's true. But the part where I 'rode it like a cowboy' is not."
The group murmured amongst themselves, clearly disappointed.
Spider-Man sighed. "Also, try to focus on the good stuff. People love drama, but if you guys keep spreading hero vs hero nonsense, it'll just cause problems."
Flash nodded. "Got it. We'll keep it positive."
Spider-Man hopped off the desk. "Cool. Well, this has been fun, but I gotta go. Crime waits for no man."
As he shot a web to the ceiling, Flash called out, "Wait! Before you go—can we take a group selfie?"
Spider-Man groaned. "Fine, fine—but no weird poses."
The group huddled together, and Flash took the shot.
As Spidey swung out of the room, the fan club erupted into cheers, already planning their next big project.
And in the sky, swinging between buildings, Spider-Man couldn't help but smile.
"Guess having a fan club isn't so bad after all."