Keldric SLAMMED his phone down. Puddle-kun's latest glorious chapter of "Reincarnated as a Sentient Puddle, I Conquer the World... Slurp!" was finished. Another masterpiece. Another Tuesday night reminder of everything his life wasn't.
His gaze drifted to the posters. Princess Luna, a vision in strategically missing armour.
Flame-Empress Yuki-chan, defying physics in her legendary bikini-mail.
"Seriously, ladies," Keldric addressed the silent, impossibly curved figures, "what's a guy got to do to get Truck-kun's attention around here?! You lot are out there, living your BEST lives. Magical worlds. Demons. Impractical outfits. Adventures!"
He gestured, a half-eaten pot of instant noodles wobbling precariously on a stack of manga.
"And here I am. Tuesday. Again. Where's my portal? My summoning circle? My convenient traffic accident?!" Voice took on a pleading tone. "I'd even settle for a suspiciously deep manhole at this point!"
The posters, predictably, offered only sultry, adventurous silence.
Right. Fine.
If the universe wouldn't cooperate, he'd design the protagonist himself. For when it inevitably happened. Obviously.
Name: Keldric. But, you know, cooler. Keldric von Shadowmere. Or Keldric the Dragonborne!
Main. Character. Energy.
Backstory: Tragic orphan. Legendary hero parents. Murdered by Demon King. Raised by hot dragon lady mentor (obvious romantic tension, standard).
Class: Omnimage Sword Saint Death God.
Why pick one OP class? Have them ALL.
Stats: Maxed. Especially CHARISMA. For the ladies.
Obviously.
Special Abilities: [Infinite Mana], [Harem King Magnetism], [Legendary Weapon Summoning], [Dragon Transformation (Because Dragons Are Cool)].
The plan? Simple. Arrive. Overpower. Collect waifus. Save world. Get castle. Fill with waifus.
Foolproof.
He took another slurp of lukewarm, synthetic chicken-flavoured noodles.
A sad, pathetic counterpoint to such epic dreams.
"Any. Day. Now..."
His "epic command throne" (a beanbag that had seen better decades) decided to join the conversation.
A tiny tremor. Subtle.
What now? Bloody garbage truck doing midnight rounds?
Another shimmy. More insistent.
He shifted.
Probably just the ancient plumbing having another existential crisis…
Spectacularly wrong.
The tremor escalated. FAST. Polite building hiccups to full-blown architectural seizure. Like someone grabbed his apartment block. Decided to use it as a maraca.
Wait. Hold on.
What if…
Confusion hit first. The basic human reaction of 'What the bloody HELL is happening to my Tuesday night?!'
Then. Hope. BLAZING!
This is IT! Truck-kun finally got the memo! Or maybe Building-Collapse-sama is handling my case personally!
The violent juddering claimed its first casualty. Princess Luna's poster peeled away.
A mournful riiiip.
His phone, meanwhile, launched itself on an unscheduled aerial tour, vanishing under a cascade of light novels with a defeated thunk.
The main event?
Reality itself. Throwing the ultimate tantrum. Colours bled. Shapes twisted.
His room. A fever dream. Painted by an unhinged toddler. Everything melted. Stretched.
Physics? More of a suggestion.
Holy SHIT! This is actually it! The Isekai realisation hit. Like a freight train.
This is EXACTLY how it starts!! Abrupt chaos, reality going mental, protagonist gets transported! I'm ACTUALLY, LEGITIMATELY GETTING ISEKAI'D!!!
His chair fused with the rug.
Energy drink cans? Ghosting through solid furniture. Noclip mode: ACTIVATED.
Right. So. Reality.exe has stopped working. BRILLIANT.
His computer's death scream pierced the chaos. A digital shriek. Every frozen game. Every lost save. All rolled into one.
Then.
Dead quiet…
This is it! This is actually HAPPENING!
Heart HAMMERING. Not fear. Pure, electric excitement. Body BUZZED. Anticipation.
Finally! FINALLY!
Just like the stories. Dramatic pause before transport. Moment of truth. Grand departure! My—
The air suddenly thickened. Pressing down. Breathing became work. Real work.
Okay... This is new. Usually gentle floating. Maybe sparkles. Not... whatever this crushing sensation is. Is this... how it's supposed to feel?
Hold on. Trial before acceptance? Premium transport? Testing my resolve? Am I worthy?
Tried to speak. Mouth opened. Nothing. Silent confusion. Wide-eyed bewilderment.
Right. So. Either normal procedure. Just not mentioned in any stories I've read. Or I'm about to be a very disappointing statistic. 'Local Man Dies During Botched Isekai Transport.' Great headline.
Then. Ground beneath him vanished.
Beanbag. Gone. Floor. Gone. Everything solid, familiar, real.
Just. Wasn't. There. Anymore.
One moment suffocating. Next moment. Free fall.
Black void. Endless.
Down.
Down.
DOWN!
THUMP
Impact. Brutal. Like reality catching him with a brick wall.
Cool air flooded lungs. Rough ground scraped skin. Crushing weight? Vanished.
Ughhhhhh…
Right. So. Not dead. That's... great.
Though honestly, for an Isekai transport, this was F@#$ING TERRIBLE! Where's the gentle light?! The mystical portal?! The dramatic floating sequence?!
Instead I get the 'face-plant into dirt' special...