"I was just reading this book after I had lunch. You could've told me that you'd be home early so we could eat together."
"It's alright. I didn't want you to wait for me mom. It's already 3.30p.m."
"Hm... But a little waiting for my boy can never harm. Besides I have made your favourite dish today. Roasted potato salad, butter chicken and for dessert—honey cake."
"Mom, can I ask you something?"
She peers at my deadpan expression. "Is it a trick question?"
"Well, I'm not sure if you already have an answer or not so it's hard to say."
"Then ask away."
"Do you think having feelings is a necessity? I mean, can one spend their entire life without it?"
She rubs her chin. "It's not a necessity if you think of it like that. But...is it even possible for any human to not have them? If so, then are they even alive?"
Am I dead then? I ask again, "So it's part of life then?"
"Certainly," she replies.
"What if you once had them but now you don't? You stopped having them long time ago. Does it mean you're not living at present?"
Her expression turns gloomy. "I know where this is going... I know why you asked that."
I vigorously shake my head. "N-no. It's not related to you at all." Actually it's...regarding me. But I don't say that.
She fiddles with the button of her top. "Your dad...he loved me. But his love..." Her voice shakes while speaking, "...was different. I thought I was ready. But in truth, one could never be ready enough. Now that I asked him to stop visiting me at all—he finally listened to my pleading. But... it's too late."
She reaches for my hand. "It's not that I have stopped having feelings for him... I just buried them altogether. Somewhere, they might still be there Saint. It's just, I don't want them to wake up."
"Does that mean feelings cannot be dead?"
"No matter how much one day they don't have any feelings," she adds, "The truth is, they are just protecting their soul and mind and keeping them from shattering."
••••
I wake up with another Damien dream. Aren't these getting frequent? Why on earth was I drinking his half finished whiskey just because he told me to? Why would I even want to do that? Yuck! No... I can't let that guy mess around with me. I must maintain my usual cold self around him. Wait, ain't I always cold though? When was the last time I pulled a prank on someone or laughed my heart out for silly reasons? Has Saint Angel always been like this?
Suppressing my weird self thoughts I reach school on time. I'll be missing Chris for the next 2 weeks. Last night I already briefed him on the music assignment and I suggested him to pick the easy topic which most students often do. Let's see what he'll do. It still feels weird that we didn't talk about anything else except school stuff. Perhaps I should've apologized to him.
As I enter the class, everyone gapes at me like I'm some exotic monkey or something extraterrestrial being. But I don't hear a whisper like other days. The first class is of Mrs. Kate's today. She's not here yet even though it's 10.05am. I find my seat empty as usual.
Even when I sit, that odd feeling that something's a miss doesn't leave. It feels like everyone has already made their pairs and I'm the only one left. That's why maybe they're acting all surprised. You were wrong Chris. No one really wants a cold marble statue.
Mrs. Kate enters with Damien following her. He gives her a dazzling smile greeting her.
She returns it. "Morning to you as well Mr. Frost. Take your seat."
He walks towards me and captures Chris's seat again.
"Didn't you like sitting behind me? It came with perks right?" I just can't help myself when I see him. It's not even enmity...still it's unfamiliar of a feeling to me."
"Are you regretting your decision, Mr. Angel?"
I don't answer as a chilly shiver run down my lower back at his address to me and it's not of fear. "Don't," I voice, "It sounds ridiculous enough."
He stares at me and I look away. "Since I don't like the idea of regrets, I also prefer to not be around people who regrets over decisions they've already made."
What's he saying? He doesn't like to be around people like me right... I glare at him. "If so, then why not take another seat, Mr. Frost, for your sake?"
"Ooh I like how it sounds... Mr. Frost. Feels like I'm already famous star."
Ugh the nerve of this guy! "Certainly. Like you said, a star must not sit beside some average unpopular guy," I suggest.
"Unpopular?" He pulls up a face. "Saint Angel is anything but that."
"Is that so? But haven't you already questioned yourself about it?" I ask.
I know what his expression meant when I said unpopular. I already know the answer myself. It's because of my looks that I'm also popular. Back when I was in freshmen year, second sem, I got an offer of being cast as a lead character in a teen drama series. How acutely I wanted to play it. I even passed the audition. If only...
He interrupts my thoughts. "I don't need to. I'm not concerned about that."
Why? Am I not a rival of his? "Don't you like being the only centre of attention?"
"I do," he answers in a cool tone. "But I don't intend to be envious."
His words hit me differently somehow. Does he think I'm envious of him? How ironic. But if I think about it... Maybe I envy him a little. He's following his heart, while I'm following my head.
The class ends and I don't even realise it cause both of us were talking the whole time. As Mrs. Kate exits the class goes back to its gossip mode. For the first time I've attended a class with my mind completely out of the teacher's words. Ugh...that Damien! He distracted me all the time.. "It's frustrating!" The words stumble out without me realising.
Maia who was nearby walks up to me. "Hey Saint."
"Hi Maia..."
"Are you okay?" She asks. "You seemed frustrated."
"Uh...I was thinking out loud I guess. Nevermind. Would you help me with today's lecture, later?" I request. "I was kinda distracted at the time. Normally I ask Chris but he's not here so..."
She grasps my hand all of a sudden. "I will. Don't you fret Saint." She adds, "I can even help you with the assignment if you want."
She squeezes my hand tighter making me pull away from her. "I'd appreciate about the former. But I can do the assignment by myself."
Her eyebrows get furrowed. "Why would you take all the trouble?"
"And why wouldn't I?"
"Cause...I heard Damien chose the 3rd topic. The hard one."
What does it have to do with him? Even I haven't decided which I'd choose. Why's she telling me this anyway? Does she think that just because Damien has his team and I've got no one as my partner yet, it'll be harder for me?
Maia mutters to herself, "Prof. Adrian only allowed a pair which means not more than two for the assignment. I wonder why he didn't pick any of his friends..."
What does that mean?
She looks at me dreamily. "But I know, you have a nice voice too."
I take a step back slowly. "Uhh...I have to go to the library to return this book. See you later Maia."
On my way out I see Damien talking to Zeb. His eyes catch mine and I see the corners of his lips stretch. Why he smiled like that? I don't understand...
••••
As the third period ends we present ourselves in room 24. Prof. Adrian already has started distributing the checked answersheets. Damien's not here yet. He's never on time...too casual about everything. Too ignorant.
Professor calls out my name. "Saint. You did well as expected. But..."
Just then Damien enters.
"Oh Damien's here as well," he says addressing him, "Both of you come then, collect your papers. As I was saying," Professor focuses on me, "Saint has done well as always but, we have a stalemate this time." He laughs a little. "I never thought Damien Frost that would be."
It's obvious. He literally copied everything from me so I anticipated it.
The others gasp. "No way?!"
"I kind of wonder that too," doubtfully says Mr. Adrian. "It's Damien we're talking about—who hates studying. Guess people can change huh?" He pats his back looking proud. "You did a great job there Damien."
Damien's eyes dance up. "People do change, professor."
Wow he does acting pretty good too. How dramatic!
"That's good." The professor speaks again, "I'll expect both of your assignments to be as good as you did in the test."
Why even expect from me? And him on top of that. Just because I helped him once doesn't mean I'll do it again. But I just nod.
As the professor exits I approach Zeb after a lot of thinking. He looks up at me in awe. "Saint? Wow...how lucky of me. What do you want from me?"
"Why are you suspicious of me?" I squint.
"I'm not. It's just you never talk to me...us. Boss left a minute ago. If you want to talk to him..."
But I cut him. "I saw that too. But no. Actually I needed to talk to you "
My words surprise him a bit but it's true that I was hoping Damien to be gone from my sight. I don't know why Zeb or others call him Boss most of the time. Sure he's the band leader but Boss? Sounds a bit formal, like he's a Mafia boss. It'd suit him though—those flashy handsome mafia bosses in those dramas.
"So what do you wanna talk 'bout?" His nose's scrunched up.
"Is it correct that Damien didn't pair up with any of you guys?" I throw the question finally.
"I asked him about that too. He didn't give me a believable cause. Why are you asking?"
"Uh...no reason. Thanks for the chat."
Zeb was already leaving when I shout out for him again.
"What now?" He turns back.
"Since I haven't chosen a partner yet, would you like to work with me?" Why did I even ask that?! But atleast now I'll get a chance to know whether or not Zeb already has chosen someone, and I can also ask about his ideas.
He blinks in utter awe. "How are you still unaware?"
"Of what?"
He turns back waving me goodbye. "Ignorance is bliss, Saint."
"Hey! Wait. What do you mean?" Ah...he's already gone. Something's up for sure. I have to know it. I decide to meet Donna. If she has no clue, then no one does.
I find Damien talking to her. Is he friends with her too? I don't think so. Donna would've told me that already then. But now they are talking...I can't really go to her ugh!
Suddenly someone bumps into me quite hardly and I fall alongside them.
"Sorry... I uh was in a rush. I'm so sorry."
It's a girl from Class B. I've seen her a couple of times before. From my observation I gathered she's too shy and introvert.
"It's alright..." I say for the time just so she won't feel too guilty about it. But as I try to get up I feel ache in the back of my hand.
The situation already caught other's attention including Damien's—which I deliberately tried to avoid when I was watching them from outside of class B in a sneaky way.