Some emotions are like an explosion. Some are like a steady stream of water. But a few are like a continuous waterfall, constantly pressuring the mind—never-ending. Love is like that waterfall, pouring endlessly, while pain and grief—born from that love—turn it into acid. The more you try to stop it, the more concentrated it becomes.
Severus could feel his Occlumency weakening, slowly cracking. The immense emotions, once kept at bay, were breaking through. It felt insane. So, he decided.
Dear Lily,
I never thought I'd do this. I know I've hurt you, and I've hurt you more than I can say. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here. I'd tell you I'm sorry, but I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't deserve forgiveness. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I'm sure you're struggling with your own feelings right now. I haven't come to apologize for the whole year because I knew I didn't deserve your forgiveness. No matter how angry I got, no matter how betrayed I felt, it wouldn't change what I did. How could I do this to you?
Even when I told myself that I shouldn't expect anything from you, I still couldn't help it. I can't live like this. I...
Snape paused, taking a deep breath, trying to force his emotions back into their cage. His fragile Occlumency cracked again.
But I have to. I need to lay it all out here. Maybe this will help me get back to focus. I wish you could forgive me. I wish I didn't feel so betrayed. I wish I could've stopped myself before things went this far. I wish... I wish you could be happy with me, but I know that's impossible now. How can I ask you to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself?
I've never been accepted by anyone—my mother, my father, no one—except you. At home, all I had was a drunk father, a scared mother, and a lot of beatings. All I could do was escape. But that changed when I came to Hogwarts, though not soon enough.
I thought things could be different. I thought I could be better. Better than my father. But here I am, treating you just like he treated me. Lucius and the others—at least they accepted me, even if it was only for their own reasons. But you—you—you accepted me for who I was, and I betrayed that trust. The spell I gave you, the one I created... I thought it was a sign of my trust. But instead, you used it against me. You handed it to Potter, who used it to hurt me. Do you even realize how valuable those spells are? Families protect their spells like treasures, but I gave them to you, and this is what happened.
You were the light in my dark world, Lily. You still are. But I pushed that light away. I don't know why I'm even writing this. I've told myself that you don't need me to be happy. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of that.
I know I'll never give you this letter. But I can't help hoping that somehow you'll find it. I know I'll never let you be close to me again—not until I've destroyed him. Not until I've rid this world of them. Not until I can make the world a place where you can live peacefully and without fear.
I want to see you. I miss you. But you'll probably never see me. Maybe that's enough. Maybe I'll collapse in the process, but I can't stop. I shouldn't, but I must not.
Damn Onions.
He stood up, maintaining his usual expressionless face—powered by his deteriorating Occlumency. He knew this would be his breaking point, but he couldn't stop. He had to see her one last time, even if it meant he would crumble afterward.
A beautiful redhead with striking green eyes stepped out of a house filled with noise and celebration. The party had been for some reason she could no longer remember, one of many similar parties thrown over the last few days.
Ridiculous. Does he think I don't know he's just trying to drag me back into his life? He's so frustrating.
She sighed, irritation growing as she walked away from the noise.
Why can't I just let it all go? Like that time with...
Her expression shifted from grief to anger, then to confusion. Why can't I forget him? she thought. He's made his choice, right? Hasn't he?
Frustrated, she stomped her feet and tugged at her hair. Exhausted, she stopped, pulled out her wand, and summoned the bus without thinking. She tossed the right amount of money at Stan, climbed aboard, and collapsed into one of the empty beds.
Sigh...
I wish I could just read his mind. She closed her eyes, thinking of the days when Severus had given her so much joy. But now, all of that felt like a lie.
No way. Pure, innocent Sev was just an act, wasn't it? she thought, her mind battling with itself. Potter's too biased. Not everyone from Slytherin is bad, or else Dumbledore would've removed the house by now...
She huffed, frustrated. Man, this is frustrating!
I could do anything I wanted when I was with Sev. All this pretending... It's wearing me down.
With that, she stood up as the bus pulled into its stop, ready to leave the madness behind. She stepped off, only to stop dead in her tracks.
There he was.
Severus Snape.
In an instant, the raven she had just seen transformed into the figure of the man she knew so well. His eyes met hers. It was him.
Sev? Animagus? She blinked, surprised. Her heart skipped a beat as she noticed the pain in his eyes. She could see it—so much pain. Why? she thought. Why does he look like that?
Severus realized his mistake too late.
He looked at her instinctively. But those striking green eyes did not let him go. They never did. He felt the familiar warmth of her gaze, the care—it was impossible to resist.
Lily, for the first time in a long while, saw the boy she used to know. The one she had cared for.
His Occlumency had been shattered, and his emotions—raw and unfiltered—were pouring out. She could feel it, all of it. She saw his guilt, his torment, and his grief. It was like a floodgate had opened, and she couldn't stop it. His emotions crashed into her, overwhelming her.
She couldn't breathe. His pain was suffocating.
And then, he collapsed.
"Sev! Sev!" she cried, panicking as his body fell limp. She tried to catch him, but he was too heavy. "What the hell, Sev?! You curse me in school, disappear, and now you collapse on me out of nowhere?! What's going on?"
Her voice was a mix of frustration and worry, but the frustration soon melted into a strange tenderness. She hurriedly dragged him into her house, explaining the situation to her parents, who looked concerned.
She moved him to the guest room, laying him down on the bed and checking on him. It didn't take long to realize that Severus had overextended himself—magical exhaustion.
But what were those emotions? What were those memories?
She felt his pain again—this time, it hit her like a wave, crashing over her. His entire life, everything he had endured—suddenly, it was all laid bare before her. The years of suffering, the moments of betrayal, the love he still carried for her. She saw it all. Severus Snape's life, in an hour.
And in that moment, she finally understood. She felt her eyes moistening. The shock didn't allow all the emotions to settle. Her tear ducts let out a flood. She cried. She cried so hard. For her stupidity, her ignorance, and for him.
"How could I never have realized? It was all so glaringly obvious. No. He didn't want me to know. Me to worry. Oh!! YOU FOOL! Why do you care so much! You utter incorrigible fool!" she cried and fell onto him.
The man who cared for her more than his own life, more than the world, more than anything he ever had, or could ever get. The man who loved her from the very depths of his soul. And now... how could she not love him back?
Her family rushed in, only to find Lily crying like a baby on the unconscious man's chest.