Slowly recovering

My head hurts it feels like I'm about to faint, I quickly find a wall where I can stand against. I sit down to breath and calm down. The memories flash by and I don't want to think about it all I know is I fvcked up and I hate myself. Slowly my hand reached in my pocket bringing out a red sharp blade. I realy want to enjoy the feeling of pain but I can't I needed to stop. My wrist and my body are already full of cvts. I needed to stop or I'll faint. I know the world is fvcked up and the people I hate the most. Sometimes I wish I found someone who will love me. Just a little is enough. My parents died in a car accident when they heard i was in the mental health hospital. I still care about them but they probally don't. There was one time I had a friend he was a boy and he showed me that I was better than everybody. He used to wait everyday for me for school and we'd walked together. Even if it rained he brought a umbrella so we wouldn't drive wet at school. I miss him. He was to kind for this world. He saw the world perfect. He was the only one who could make me smile. His smile was as warm as the sun, his gold blond hair layed perfectly in place and he told me I was pretty even when I wore a pink skirt with a yellow top. Now he is dead because of me. I want to cut again and let the blood flood drop all over my body. I press my hands against my head hoping my head would stop hurting. The memories of him flow into my head. I was running into the city because he had found out about my cutting. He was calling my name out of breath while trying to catch up till I heard him scream. I cried so long and screamed so hard at the wall that I almost couldn't heat anything in the morning. Everyone blames me and I blame myself to. How could I be so dumb and run away when he needed me the most. I'm so dumb.