Anger. Frustration. I couldn't sense, but I could feel. I was floating, adrift and in burning pain. Focus came with great difficulty; thoughts and memories slipping like sand through my fingers. I had fingers, right? I should, but I didn't know anymore.
I remembered talking to Abby for the first time. We had classes together and one of them taught us the history of the Kingdom of Edath, now Edath Province. The forest outside of town had been the site of a battle. She had come up to me one day and asked me to go there with her. I didn't even know her. She said she always saw that I seemed happy during history lessons and that it'd be fun.
Happy… Was I happy? No, not often. Only rarely, in fact. I was happy when we talked about history, when I could get away from the reality of what I was 'supposed' to be. Being with Abby and my little sister Tania made me happy.
We'd snuck out after dinner and made it into the forest. Abby found an old sword hilt and she gave it to me—it was the only thing we found the whole night.
The hilt burst into flames in my hand. I looked up.
Abby was on fire.
I'm on fire.
We were screaming.
No, she's screaming.
They killed Abby.
They killed my parents.
They killed Abby's family.
They killed me.
I should kill them.
Rip them—no, burn them. Maybe both? No, that'd still be too good for them. The whole Church should burn. Lord Carvalon should burn. Linthel—no, Edath—no, all of Ordia should bu—
My thoughts stopped.
My cheek stung.
I reached up to feel it with my hand, the hand I now had. I still couldn't see, but I could feel. The burning started to ebb, giving me moments of clarity between agony.
Then, there was another presence.
Another memory.
We couldn't sneak into the fort, but there was an old temple nearby, hardly more than a foundation. Tania snuck out after us. We heard her shout; she'd fallen into a hidden basement. Her arm was bent bad and she was crying. Abby ran for help.
The room where Tania lay grew hot and lit up with fire.
Flames crept closer to her whimpering form as I watched.
They started them.
They wanted to trap her: To burn her.
But I didn't need her.
They would all burn anyway.
Everything would burn for—
A splash of water scattered the flames.
Abby was back holding an empty bucket, but she shouldn't be back yet. Her form was indistinct, wispy and fragmented. She turned her head to me: all I could see were her eyes. Sorrowful, pleading, hurt, confused. Determined.
But the water would do nothing. My flames wouldn't be stopped by—wait: my flames. These flames were mine, not theirs. No one should burn here. I looked to the room and the flames receded. I won't let Tania burn.
Abby came back. Her form here was clearer and she brought people and rope. After this, we had all gotten in big trouble. I thought Tania would hate me, but she didn't! She'd even tried to blame herself, but I told her it was my fault we didn't watch her. She said she snuck out: I said I knew that. We both smiled and the memory slipped away.
I was embracing another presence in the void now. I could feel my arms and my chest. My legs felt numb until the other presence stepped on my toe. I have toes. The burning had faded into a strong heat. Uncomfortable, but tolerable.
Another memory approached.
I'd just gotten an apprenticeship, and I was working on a batch of iron nails. My arms were a sheen of sweat and hair. I hated them. My chest was hairy and my face was getting there. I hated those too. Bourick was out front talking to two customers and I could hear Abby's voice. Miss Meissner was helping her order rivets and buttons for work clothes. Abby asked about me, then I heard footsteps coming back.
She poked her head in and smiled at me, then frowned when she saw me glaring at my arms. I looked up and my eyes were wet, but I wiped them quickly. She came over and asked what was wrong.
I told her.
I told her everything about how I hated my body and how wrong everything seemed with me. I also told her what I'd want instead: smooth arms and skin, a less masculine face, a different body shape. It all came tumbling out. She seemed sad, but after a moment, she brightened up again and she looked at me with determined green eyes.
"I think it just means you're not a guy, Zach." Her voice echoed oddly in the room.
"Wha?"
"Like, you were born with the wrong body. You said that you hate it, right?"
I nodded, numb and unsure.
"Well then it means it's wrong!" She smiled at me, bright and happy. "Like shoes that rub and chafe. Or chocolate and steak."
I smiled back at her. "That was your idea. We'd saved up for a month for the chocolate just to waste it."
"Well yeah, they're my two favorite foods. Doesn't mean they go together." She clapped me on the shoulder.
"So me and my body don't go together." I thought about it for a minute.
The shop started to burn.
No.
The flames vanished, except for the fire in the forge.
I was in control.
I looked back at my best friend. Abby's previously distinct form was now made of dark mist. Pieces were missing, but her green eyes were brighter than ever. Wordlessly, we pulled each other into an embrace.
"I'm so sorry Abby," I whispered, my voice echoing and losing distinction as Bourick's workshop faded away.
"Don't be. I'm so happy we got to know each other. I don't know what's happening, but I can't let you lose yourself." Her voice seemed close, but barely above a whisper.
"I don't know either."
"That's okay." She reached a hand up and mussed my hair before the limb faded away. "Face it head on and figure it out later!"
"You suck at advice."
"Yeah, I know."
Abby started to fade at an accelerated pace. I could feel my form becoming more distinct as hers wavered. Above my sternum, the burning intensified as Abby's body grew fainter.
We looked each other in the eyes again. She was crying tears of nothingness, but the last vestiges of her face held a smile.
"Be you. Don't forget me, but don't you dare get stuck on me either."
"I will. I promise."
"Good. Call me selfish, but go live a life we'd both be proud of." All that was left was her face, smiling wide. "Goodbye, Zarenna."
"Goodbye, Abigail."
The last thing I could see were her bright green eyes; I swear she winked at me. Then, there was a flash of green and a surge of feeling. The pain in my sternum flared one last time and then cut abruptly. Around me, I could see the void grow slightly brighter.