You think life is bad as a celebrity with a criminal job? Try that shit, then do a day job afterwards. It gets worse. To an extent. Then things chill out, and it's easy as fuck. If you're actually good at your job. Otherwise, you're fired. It's horseshit. Society is a bitch, it'll pass you around until you find a job you're good at. And it has to be a day job. They won't let anyone be a criminal all day.
Anyway, I work at this factory making car parts right? Easy shit, I just run some machines. I'm on my phone more than I work some days if some of the machines are broken.
Now how'd it go wrong? Well, it started cause I thought I could get away with smoking a weed vape pen in my car on breaks. It worked for a while. Until someone noticed. Then me and society started clashing for real. Cause basically, as a celebrity they couldn't fire me. They'd get too much attention. So instead, they have to make me quit. And well, that's annoying as shit.
Because then they get passive aggressive, and physically aggressive. It's bad when it's at work. We're too independent, and if we both criminal, shit goes wild while nobody gives a fuck. It's maddening, worst part of being a celebrity criminal. I just gotta go ham and hope I don't wake up in jail. And nobody fucking cares.
But whatever, we roll with it. It happens everywhere to an extent. So I decided to tame the place. Especially cause the job's culture pissed me off. Everyone was an alcoholic that hated I smoked weed. And I hated them cause they're dumb as bricks on liquor.
So after a particular brutal session of passive aggression where they made me work 6 machines for a month straight, and laughed at me for even acting like I'm better than them, I struck back with my intelligence.
Now here's a thing magicians love to tell you about drunk people: It's easy as shit to trick them. It's hilarious. I put on a gray polo from home, wore it to work, pretended to be a new supervisor, and sent people home. I just told him "Hey, boss says go home." They smiled like kids and left happy.
Until they learned it was a lie. Then it became war. Between me and the alcoholics. It was bad and fun. Cause well, they'd jump me sometimes. Or get away with being passive aggressive. But I'd toy with them with complete ease. Like one time, I kept telling a drunk maintenance guy our boss was fucking with him and the machines didn't need fixed. Dude was so drunk he let me walk him over to the wrong machine to prove it didn't need fixed. Then they argued for a whole lunch break and longer cause the maintenance guy got obstinate and didn't believe me. Didn't help it was a big thing for Psychologists at the time to claim 'Humans can't make anything up.' Fucking dumbasses forgot liars can exist.
So thanks to that stupid phenomenon, I was fucking with reality hard as shit. One man was such a bot I walked up to him and said "Hey, you're the CEO now. Congratulations."
He stopped, stunned, and almost had a heart attack. Then he says "Are you sure?"
I told him "Go order people around. See if it's true."
Now I'ma be real. It worked for two reasons: the man I picked was already a bit high ranking, so everyone listened to him anyway. And two, cause of that stupid psychology phenomenon.
This escalated everything into high heaven and hell mode. Because right fucking after that, people copied me. Hell, it worked on me cause a supervisor told me to leave, then lied and said I wasn't supposed to leave. I was mad as fuck. Cause not gonna lie, this is why I don't use psychology that much. If there's anyone else around with a bone to pick or just bored enough, they fucking copy my psychology tactics to screw around. It's maddening.
And this trick was so easy everyone fucking copied it. Especially when we knew the "Everything people says is real" phenomenon is happening, so it fucking went to hell. It's a miracle I didn't get fired. I just said someone hacked the system. And coincidentally, they thought it happened as well. Cause someone's paycheck was too big, I guess. If I remember right, I don't know, this shit was like two years ago.
Anyway, I kept my job. And then more dumb shit happened. Cause shortly after this, everyone wanted to blow off steam. Even the troops. And it got fucking insane. Cause guess what? You think you get pussy or dick? Wrong, when it's the Troops turn, everyone gets laid. It's bad if you're even remotely hot. It's like the sex-pocalypse happened. It was maddening. Especially cause during this fuck fest, people hack people and do crimes still. In fact, it happens more often.
Like bro, we ain't gonna talk about what happened at work cause it wasn't that bad. People got laid too much, and the machines kept breaking. … Actually no, I remember one funny story.
So our Supervisor right? He was getting a shitload of blowjobs cause he's a former marine. It was bullshit, even I was mad. My girlfriend at the time fucked him, it was maddening. But shit got even more idiotic. Cause at one point, chicks kept hiding under his desk to suck him off. And for some dumbass reason, he kept having meetings and talking to people while he worked.
He almost got away with it too. I didn't even realize the first time I talked to him that day. He was just sweaty and red faced. Thought it was cause the heat in the plant was 90 degrees that day. Nope, it was fucking cause he got his dick sucked! Didn't realize it until during a second conversation with that me, he got twitchy and quiet while clicking open a hundred tabs on his computer. I started ranting about how he's high on meth, clicking new tab like it's brownie clicker. Then a girl I'm friends with poked her head out from the desk and snaps at me.
"Quit making fun of Ray, Lucius! You're gonna make him cry! Just let it happen."
I at that point have a literal jaw drop happen. Cause I realized he was getting his dick sucked all day. Then I walked out cause Ray was too busy with a blowjob to even speak. At this point, his computer started lagging. Then we roasted him for two weeks. Cause first the hardworkers were mad our Supervisor got nothing done for a week straight due to getting fucked too much, and no punishment. Then we roasted him cause he broke his computer cause of how many fucking tabs he opened while getting blowjobs. It was bad. He was desperate enough to ask me to do it. He said I could focus on the computer and not have to watch machines if I did it. I said "Fuck it, I'll try, that sounds rad." Because then I waste time in an office instead of the heat. His office had air conditioning, it was sick.
So anyway, I didn't even investigate that much. I got task manager open to check what was eating all the ram. Took twenty minutes to do that. I watched youtube while I waited, much to the Supervisor's displeasure. I turned it off when he came into the office, but otherwise kept it on. Anyway, after that I saw what I already knew. But was still shocked at how bad it was. He had 10 gigs of ram being burnt on the browser, bros. It was hysterical. Imagine this man was so flustered from blowjobs he got 10 gigs of ram worth of tabs opened. I was jealous, but still it was hysterical.
So at first I waste the whole day just slowly closing tabs while watching youtube and smoking my weed vape in his office. It was fucking awesome. Best work day ever. Hell, a girl I liked came in and smoked with me. I almost got laid until Soldier Boy got mad cause it was still mating season for the troops, and he was feeling territorial. He was mad cause he figured out an hour in I was taking advantage of this to relax too much.
Then we argued about how I could fix it faster. Cause first he was mad I knew how to fix it with an automatic process. Then he got mad cause the process is letting the computer force shut itself down, and he didn't want to lose any progress on his stuff. Eventually I said "Bro, fix it yourself or accept if you want this done automatically, to shut down the computer."
Dude fixed it himself. It wasn't even worth it, he just wanted to keep the tabs open of the employees he still needed to talk to from what I heard.
Anyway, after this, I got married to the job. Cause basically, they fell in love with me despite trying to fire me at this point. Basically it all started cause we were still in the Troopers' Love Mating Season right? Everyone is still horny, and everyone but me seems to be getting laid cause they're higher ranked.
Until a Supervisor that likes me got lazy. He decided to try passing his work off to me without giving me extra money. I took advantage of it cause I got to again work in an office, smoke weed, and watch youtube. I loved being a desk jockey bro, it was sweet.
Especially cause all it took was getting an office to start getting laid. It started as conversations and smoke breaks in my office with the chicks. Then a girl got horny and said she wanted head. I'm like "Bro, what?" But she was hot, so fuck it, I did it. I ended up a manwhore bro. It was maddening. New hot fake supervisor bro. And I took full advantage of the ride. I was high all day, fucking bitches.
Then I accidentally became too important. They said they wanted me at a meeting. Thought I was in trouble. Turned out they wanted me to be an actual businessman. It worked for a while actually. I wasn't even mad I never got a promotion cause the desk jockey life is that good. That's also why they demoted me, spoiler alert. They said I took too much advantage of the desk life. They hated I wrote a shitty book with all my spare time. My bosses even were petty, and reported my book as inappropriate and got it banned from the site I posted it on.
Anyway, I made some good points and helped the company a bit while we did this weird experiment with me as a fake supervisor. It escalated one day. I basically gave too good an idea, and a guy got in a fight with me. Cause he said I'm trying to move up too fast, and I shouldn't even be a fake supervisor. He said I was trying to become a real one. He was half-right, I wasn't consciously doing it. But he said "I knew a guy at this job pulled it off once, and it ain't happening again." Angry as fuck about it, I was back at my machines within 5 minutes.
After that though, everyone's been chill with me. I just have a chill day job now. It's alright.