The hot July day was baking so hot it felt like the sun had decided to have a barbecue right on the pavement. Vanya, an ordinary student, had just survived another boring philosophy lecture, where the professor had been ranting about the meaning of life for three hours. "The meaning of life? Burgers and fan fiction!" Vanya thought, ripping off his sweaty jeans. Left in only his shabby underwear with a Pokemon print, he plopped down on the couch, feeling his belly ready for a ritual scratch. On the table was an ice-cold cola, hissing with bubbles, and a mountain of burgers, whose buns glistened with mayonnaise like trophy shields.
Vanya grabbed his phone, opened his favorite fan fiction site and giggled, leafing through another masterpiece about Harry Potter, who became a cook at Hogwarts. "Brilliant and absurd!" — he laughed, crumbs falling on his belly. But then spam popped up on the screen: bright ads with Disney princesses waving at him like old girlfriends. "Ariel, Belle, Mulan... Ha, seriously? You think I'm going to click on this scam?" Vanya grinned, feeling like a cybersecurity genius, and tried to close the tab.
But the tab wouldn't close.
He poked it again. Nothing. He poked it again — the screen didn't even blink. "Hey, what the hell?" Vanya frowned, looking at the phone suspiciously, as if it was planning a mutiny. He pressed the power button. Zero reaction. "Are you kidding me!" he yelled, throwing the phone on the couch. But then the device started to glow. It wasn't just glowing - it was pulsating like a disco ball at a techno party, emitting a golden glow that made the hair on the back of Vanya's neck stand on end.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed, jumping up from the couch. His brain, trained by hundreds of isekai fanfics, instantly blurted out: "It's a portal! This is it! I'm in shit!" Instincts worked faster than logic. Vanya, in his underwear, with burger crumbs on his belly, rushed to the door like Flash on steroids. Passersby on the street froze, watching a half-naked guy run down the sidewalk, flashing his heels and Pokémon shorts. "Mom, look, the guy is naked!" some child squealed, while his mother covered his eyes in panic.
Vanya raced, thinking of only one thing: "I don't want to go to another world! I want burgers and fan fiction!" But then the air shook, and a voice thundered above him. Deep, majestic, as if someone had turned on Dolby Atmos in the heavens:
"VANYA, SON OF MAN, YOU ARE THE CHOSEN!"
Vanya braked so abruptly that he almost flew into a trash can. He raised his head, but instead of God, he saw only a dove, who was brazenly pecking at his fallen crumbs.
"WHAT?! Who's there?!" he yelled, looking around. "If this is a prank, I'll find you and make you eat my burgers without sauce!"
"I AM GOD, THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS," the voice thundered, and the dove nodded importantly, as if in confirmation. "YOU ARE DESTINED FOR A GREAT DESTINY!"
Vanya froze, breathing heavily, and blurted out:
"Listen, old man, I don't fall for this shit! Destiny is my ass, and you're just some kind of cosmic spam! Leave me alone, I want to go home, to the couch!"
The voice fell silent, and Vanya already thought that he had won. But then a wise chuckle was heard, as if God had been scrolling through his profile on social networks and was satisfied.
"OH, HOW PURE IS YOUR HEART, VANYA," the voice thundered. "YOU ARE WISE, FOR YOU REJECT THE VANITY OF THIS WORLD!"
"WHAT?!" Vanya almost choked on air. "How wise am I?! Were you even listening to me? Are you insane or something?"
"I HEARD YOUR THOUGHTS," the voice answered calmly. "YOU WANT WISDOM. AND I GRANT IT TO YOU!"
Vanya opened his mouth so wide that a passing granny dropped her string bag of potatoes. One thought was spinning in his head: "This God is an idiot?!" He wanted to go home, to Coke, to burgers, to fan fiction, and not all this!
"Hey, old man, are you serious?" he yelled, waving his arms. "I didn't ask for any wisdom! I don't care, I need a couch!"
"A WISE DECISION," the voice nodded, and Vanya felt himself being picked up by an invisible force. "I WILL SEND YOU TO A WORLD WHERE YOUR HEART WILL FIND PEACE. I SAW YOUR DESIRE. YOU WANT TO GO TO DISNEY!"
"What the fuck, Disney?!" Vanya screamed, but his words were drowned out by the blinding light. He felt his underwear - his trusty Pokemon underwear! - suddenly vanish, leaving him naked like Adam in heaven. Passersby gasped, someone covered the children's eyes, and one woman started filming with her phone. Vanya's dignity, fortunately, was enveloped in the glow, but his last thought before he disappeared was:
"I'm definitely in shit."