If I can be honest, I will tell you this, I'm really anxious!
Today is the first day of school after a long-long-long holiday. Not that long anyway, but still longer than weekend. And after a very long time not coming to school, I think I feel a little bit detach with school. I don't feel like in the mood to learn something - I never feel like that all this time. But I have decided, this year, I will be only focused on my studies. I will not care about boys or being known by everyone. I hope it wouldn't be that hard since last year no one seems to recognize my existence before I confessed my feeling to Ezra.
Anyway, talk about Ezra, he is a very mean, cruel, sweet, and smart boy in my class last year. When I said "mean" and "cruel", I do really mean it. I mean, I can understand if he rejected me after I confessed my feelings for him. But did he really have to tell me that he was more interested to Clara which is my one and only best friend? Being rejected is one thing but being told by your crush for a year that he likes your best friend more than you is another thing. I don't hate Clara for that. She is lovely, and kind, and cute. But I don't think I need to know that he more into Clara when in fact, I am the one who confessed at him.
Maybe he just want to push me away, intentionally hurting me ...
But, he is not just mean. He is also cruel. Guess what? I think he didn't realize that his rejection has hurt me enough but later he said the most objectively-cruel-chosen-of words.
"Can you stay away from me? I hate hearing our name being called together by our friends. I hate being teased with you. I don't even have any interest for you. Just ... don't bother me anymore, please."
Maybe he has chose the most polite words to express his feeling. Him annoyed? I can understand. Me too. I'm sorry for him that my confession lead us to that situation. But the way our friends behave is out of my control. I'm annoyed too. And I feel sorry for him. But it's not my fault?
I thought a month of holiday would gave me enough time to forget him or just ignore his words. But what a shame. I spent my holiday by crying in my room, thinking about how unworthy I am (at least for him) and feeling sorry for things that is out of my control. Looked at my reflection in the mirror, feeling ugly, inappropriate, and comparing myself to my best friend. It sucks.
What more sucks is, realizing that the boy that I like, he hates me. He definitely is.
But today is the first day of school (have I said that?), and I'm feeling anxious. Not just because I don't feel ready to meet my old classmates and Ezra and have to ignore their tease and mock, but also anxious by the thought that I will have a new classmates.
Hopefully, I would be in the same class with Clara and only Clara. I don't want to be in the same class with my other old classmates. I need to start over. Start a new blank page where no one knows about my silly confession, teased and mocked, and everything I have done last year. I need to start over.
In the school, Clara wait for me in the lobby. She wave her hand excitedly to send me signals. I run to her and she catch me.
"Uh, miss you, so much!" She smiled in her usual big smile. Is this why Ezra likes her?
"Miss you too." I said casually.
"How's your holiday?"
"Not really good." I want to answer. But then I realize Clara will ask me more and I don't want to tell her that I spent almost my time comparing myself to her. So I give her some truths and some lies.
"As always. My brothers. They are annoying."
Clara laughs. Story about my brothers annoyed me trope is her favorite genre. She is an only child and she always let everyone know about how much she want to have a big brother. She don't understand. It's a lifetime curse. "Not going anywhere?" She asked. I shake my head.
"You should join my family holiday next semester." She said as we walk to the information center where all students are gathering to look at the class list.
"Maybe I should." I answer carelessly.
The information center is full of student. And they all pushing each other to get in the first row to look at the list. Me and Clara have the same thought: Just wait until all of them is done with their things and then we can see the list without having to pushing each other (and for Clara, so that she doesn't have to pushed into bunch of morning teenage sweats).
We wait for some minutes. But then Siera, a girl from our first class, come.
"Clara! We are in the same class!" She almost scream.
As typical of girlies, they hug each other and jump in place for celebrating. "What about Riana?" Clara finally ask.
"Oh, I don't know? We are on 11-D!" Siera informing.
Nah. No one really cares about me.
"Do you know who else in 11-D?" I ask her. She nods. "I saw Clara's and Daniar's name. But I don't really checked. You should check it yourself."
Yes of course, I will check it myself. I don't need anyone to remind me that.
This. This is why I feel anxious.
After several minutes (thirty minutes), the students finally lessen. I walk closer to the information center and look for my name. 11-A to 11-C is the class for very smart student. I know I'm not that smart, I exclude that list on my check. I search a hint of my name, "Rania" in 11-D to 11-E and to 11 F to 11G. I don't see my name. The last class I haven't check is 11-H, which is the outcast class in 11 grade at our school. And there is it.
RANIA SARAH ALISA. My name typed in capital words in the 11-H's list.
I'm in the worst class of our grades. My heart drops. It's like falling from a cliff, pulled by gravity.
No wonder why Ezra hates me so much. He must be disgusted getting liked by a dumb girl like me.
(END OF CHAPTER 1)