The thick coat around my shoulders felt heavier by the second.
It should have warmed me. It should have comforted me. Instead, it clung to my skin like the skin of a thousand snakes, slithering, suffocating, hissing. I clutched the fabric tighter, forcing the tremble in my fingers to still. The sect master's gaze swept the hall, cold and sharp like winter steel.
Even Elder Fan shrank back under her silent disapproval. Making sure everyone in the venue lowered their heads, her eyes penetrated into my soul.
"After all, this sewage is a woman," she said simply, her voice like a blade cutting into my skin. "Go…"
Her command dropped like a hammer.
The disciples scattered like rats fleeing a broken ship, their laughter dying in their throats.
Some scum dared to throw lingering glances at me, half in pity, half in lingering contempt, before vanishing into the misty corridors.
Ridiculous cowards.
Only Elder Fan remained kneeling, his fists clenched against the ground, trembling with barely suppressed hatred.
And Bai Qing. Still by my side. Still wearing that gentle, sad face. I wanted to rush to her, scratch her, and pull that disgusting dog skin off her.
She was surely a good actress. A praiseworthy con actress. How easily she played with me. I couldn't look at her anymore. I turned my head away.
If I didn't, the bile burning up my throat would escape, and I would vomit all the ugly pieces of my broken trust onto the floor.
I was a fool too. I should've remembered this world wasn't kind, and a world without kindness wasn't a place to grow relationships. Unless I had strength to hold them in my grasp.
"Sara."
The Sect Master's voice pulled me from my spiralling thoughts. I forced myself to look up. The woman towered above me. I wasn't short, it's just she spanned over six feet.
Like a giant. I swallowed funny thoughts into my stomach. Before me wasn't any ordinary person. She was a Core Formation cultivator. A being who could summon a domain of intent.
Still just a Core Formation cultivator.
Sect Master Eris wasn't young. She was an old woman appearing to be in her fifties. Her original age must be double that.
A cultivator could slow down their aging, a Core Formation cultivator could look like they were in their thirties when they were in their sixties. Higher the cultivation, younger the looks.
Their life expectancy also increased with the cultivation. A Core Formation cultivator could live up to three hundred years.
"Take your possessions," she pointed at my outer robes on the ground. "Leave the sect grounds before sunset."
My throat tightened. I had hopes the sect would pity me and allow me to stay here albeit knowing that's a foolish wish. However, that disappeared the moment they tried to undress me. Whatever attachments I had to the sect disappeared the moment they tried to destroy my dignity. Now what I felt towards the sect was cold indifference.
With suppressed hatred. I bowed stiffly.
"Yes, Sect Master."
The walk back to the apprentice dormitories was the longest of my life. The broken ring on my thumb pulsed with every step, a silent heartbeat against my skin.
By the time I reached my room, Bai Qing had caught up with me, panting slightly.
"Sara," she said breathlessly. "Wait—"
I turned, slowly. Her face was as pitiful as ever. Tears glittered in her eyes, her hands wringing the fabric of her sleeves.
"I… I'm sorry," she whispered. "I tried to stop them. Really, I did…"
I stared at her. The girl who had once shared stolen meals with me. The girl who had once cried in my arms after another beating. The girl I had bled for.
When did she change? Or perhaps she didn't. It was she all the time, I was just a fool to submerge in that illusion of warmth. I smiled at her. Her face noticeably paled, her facade of acting cracking as a hint of envy etched on her ugly fat face.
So that's it. It wasn't that only I always envied her, she was also the same. But for what? Sure I was unique, someone kinds of her couldn't hope to match, how much she tried. Still envying me for that was childish, right?
Ha…
I gave her another smile. It wasn't kind. It wasn't bitter. It was just… hollow.
"I know," I said. I didn't accuse her. I didn't shout or scream or sob. Because what's the point? She did what the people in this world are programmed to do.
'And she didn't deserve my hate.'
I was just a glitch the world now decided to get rid of. A glitch in a world that filled with stinking scums. The sewage didn't need to be told it stank, you know. The sect now smelled like shit.
Blah… I should run away before the smell got into my brain.
I had nothing in the room to take. I just came to say goodbye to something. Before the opening of the window, a black pot basked in the sunlight. On it, a yellow flower sprouted. I plucked the flower, then pushed the pot down the window. It broke into pieces upon impact with the ground. I breathed in.
A pleasant sweet smell rushed into my nose. The plant in the pot was a special type of herb in Broken Sky Mountain. It had slight detergent properties, mostly used by girls for smell.
A plant only birthed a flower once in its lifetime. I was waiting for this to grow so I could gift it to this fat bitch.
Now since I was being expelled from here and I saw the original face of her, she didn't deserve to use the flower I watered for a month.
I better throw it down the cliff. As I stood at the window, Bai Qing tried to reach out to my shoulder. I brushed her hands off before that oily hand caught me.
"We're still friends, right?" she asked, voice trembling.
I paused. Then turned my head, just slightly.
"Friends?" my lips curled, "yes. After all, I am the only friend you have. Oh… I am not mocking, you know people called you fat—oh, never mind."
The sight of her mask cracking slightly, then flashing something ugly—irritation?—flaring in her eyes was a sight to see. Her practiced mask disappeared; in that place, I saw the face of her for the first time.
A jealous, insecure fat bitch who now thinks she was someone special just because she awakened.
Funny. I fell into her traps. She used me perfectly so she got a good impression before the sect master. I was sure her journey to the inner sect wouldn't be that difficult as my gaze wandered into the shadow after the door.
The thick movement of essence from there pointed to the presence of a cultivator, stronger than Elder Fan.
Sect master, isn't it?
This fat bitch not only wanted to enjoy my fall, she also wanted to use it perfectly for her climb. Her schemes were immaculate. I clapped her mentally.
I passed Bai Qing, pausing slightly at the door before walking outside. Slowly, I turned my head just enough to see her over my shoulder.
Her face twisted in sadness, but her hands…..hands were steady. Steady like a butcher offering mercy to a lamb he had already masked for slaughter.
My heartbeat sped in premonition, like a venomous snake had marked its scent on me.
"Tell sect master you were wrong," she shouted, voice urgent. "Tell her you are sorry. So she may allow you to stay—"
Sorry for what? For being born without talent? For daring to exist where they could see? For helping you by considering you as family? Or for surviving?
I raised my right hand, my fingers curling one after another before a single finger stood straight. That was my sorry.
You fat bitch.
[Bai Qing]
I hated Sara. That kind of hate one would never have for their friends.
Ah… for friends. She wasn't my friend at all.
Being an orphan, I wasn't blessed by background, she was also the same. We should've stood on equal footing, but she wasn't. She was the most beautiful woman I had met in my entire life. Even the senior sisters in the inner sect never matched her in that.
She was always the centre of attention, I was also the same. But different from the admirers of her, attention on me was filled with taunting.
However, what infuriated me wasn't that. I wasn't that down bad to hate someone for their beauty or that cheeky to project the anger of my suffering onto others. What angered me was her indifference.
She acted like the world hated her all while it was trying to contain her into its embrace, unlike me, who was rejected by it. There was always a crowd around her, watching her every action in a daze, even the grandson of Elder Fan lured into her innate aura.
But what had she done? She pretended like everyone was her enemy all while everyone tried to get close to her.
What she said about me was true. I had no friends. It's not because I hadn't tried. I tried my best. I struggled my best. Hoping they would see my hard work and attracted to me like her.
It took me so long to understand everything I had done was useless. It's not that no one wanted to be with me because I didn't tried enough. It's just that no one wanted the company of a fat girl.
They all avoided me like a plague, while she…I clenched my fists.
She assumed me as her friend, protecting me when I never asked and pushing me further into the attention of every bastard here. They vented their frustration toward her on me, bullying me everywhere.
Her appearance was like a spark of light in my life, but I didn't need it. I was all comfortable with my life in darkness. She tried to brighten my dark world, disturbing my comfort zone and pushing me into chaos. So me using her to my need wasn't considered betrayal, right?
Both of us just used each other.
"She is really something special…," the sect master appeared behind me. I heard appreciation in her voice, my mouth tasting a metallic taste as my teeth bit into my lips.
See, even after she disappeared, her presence still haunted me. Like a candle burning in the soft hue of darkness. I really hated Sara. I hoped nothing but to see her dead.
I breathed. I couldn't show my real feelings now. Not in front of the sect master.
So I suppressed my real emotions, pushing out a few drops of tears as I muttered, "Yes. She's a good girl. Even if she doesn't become an awakened, she's a good girl."
I could feel the gaze of the sect master on me. My hairs stood on end as her breath reached my ears.
"Yea, it's a pity… the world failed to contain her. Sigh…" she said.
I clenched my fists again. Sara, oh Sara, what witchcraft you had done for you to shine brighter even after going away from me, from here.
The broken gate loomed before me, half-swallowed by mist.
One step.
That's all it would take.