Day had escaped with not only his life but also Audrey's. He ran with all of his might until his legs became tired and his panting became louder than his heavy footsteps, and escaped from the scene of the crime.
His choice to run for his life was correct, as he knew it would be. Once again, just like when Jacob, Audrey and him had walked away from where they first met, he heard booming sounds signaling the arrival of something dreadful to the area he was minutes before.
But Day's escape was just so… empty. He had made the correct choice, he had won the fight for survival and survived… So why? Why did it pain his heart so much?
'I left a man to die… No- No. I killed a man. To think I talked about selfishness and then left him to die because it benefited me, to think I talked about selfishness after bringing myself into the situation that forced me to do that. I'm just as scummy as…'
Day faltered for a moment and nearly toppled over. Audrey was still over his left shoulder, still in a deep sleep. The bag was over his right, the same side his destroyed eye was on. He let out a groan as a particularly prominent pang of pain slammed into his face and pierced his eye.
'It hurts… God, it hurts.'
From the moment he left, he had kept his right eye closed. It hurt so much. It was like poking his eye over and over ceaselessly with something razor sharp. Even when he closed his eyes, he couldn't escape.
He slumped over slightly. The pain, the fatigue, the guilt, everything was catching up to him. It was all too much. Even worse than the weight of his many mistakes. Even worse than the whispers that led him to breaking Jacob apart out of rage, something he regretted to no end, but knew he had to do.
His mind was so full, but none of it was pleasant. Not even holding his own life was pleasant, because it wasn't truly in his hands. It was in the hands of this damned canyon.
"Ghhhh… Why… Why? That Spell is so evil. Please, I can't take this anymore."
He broke out in a fit of strained coughing. He was trying to hold back his voice, trying to make as little noise as possible with his endless footsteps, but it was hard. It was too hard. He wanted it to end.
'Forcing me to kill a man. It didn't have to end that way. Why did that idiot have to break our trust? Why did I… Why did I even trust him? Is it all my fault?'
Day looked around for somewhere to hide with his one remaining eye in the deep darkness. Tears streamed down his face and hit the rocky floor with a waterfall of sorrow.
Day slammed his right side against a wall and started to drag himself forward again.
'There's no safe spots… Then what the hell should I do? Damn it all, I need to rest. I can move on, I know I can, I just need a few minutes to… put this load down and lean my head back.' .
Turning a corner with a sharp right, Day's eyes shot around, looking for something, anything.
Nothing. There was nothing. Nowhere to hide, no hand being held out to him… no solace.
So what choice did he have but to hope that luck was on his side? His stamina was finite, and the pace at which it was crumbling was only comparable to the speed at which his mind was doing the same.
He dragged himself over to a corner after taking another right and placed Audrey and the bag down before slumping back first and leaning his head into the wall behind. His vision started to spin, but he bit his lip each time he felt himself starting to drift off to sleep.
Each time he tried to clear his mind of what happened, it came right back and jumped at him with its talons stretched out towards his neck. Jacob's words, his own words, all of them were jumbled in his mind.
'None of it makes any sense… Nothing makes any sense anymore.'
No matter what he did, he couldn't make sense of anything. Not even his own thoughts and the words he had uttered not a dozen minutes before truly made sense to him. They felt so terribly wrong, but Jacob's words didn't feel right either, even though everything that had happened pointed to them being true.
He had just learned firsthand what trusting someone blindly had done to him and the little girl he had sworn to protect, and he hated himself for it. Another one of his many mistakes in this short Nightmare that felt near impossible to correct had just been born. He was doing nothing for this little girl but bringing her into danger and slowing down their journey. Who was he to say that they had any real trust? Was Jacob right? Was he wrong? Was he holding onto an ideology of trust in a reality too dreadful for it to be worth anything? He didn't know, but it was starting to feel like he had just found out the worth of trust… and selfishness.
He had just learned firsthand what selfishness, the thing he cursed Jacob's name with, did to somebody who wanted a moment's rest in the Spell's deadly Nightmares. He spoke like it was such an evil, terrible thing to be selfish, but he brought Audrey along into the jaws of death just for a little rest. Not long before he was acting like a saint by braving the way forward by his lonesome to keep those same teeth from sinking into her. Perhaps Jacob was right about that too, and it was fine to be a little selfish as long as it benefited Day's feelings on the situation. Maybe self preservation was important after all, not just in bodily ways, but also emotional as well.
In the world he lived in, any 'sane,' person would say that the truth was laid bare in front of his eyes, but it all felt off, like there was something Day, in his endless immaturity, was missing entirely. It felt so close, yet so far. He knew though, that if he could stop being such a fool and simply find it, that it may complete something inside of him that he was longing for more than anything in the world currently…
Peace of mind. Something that could justify… his conviction. But what was wrong with his conviction in the first place? It was the embodiment of his journey so far, and was able to be encompassed with a simple sentence: Do what had to be done.
So why was he yearning for something more? Was he really that selfish, to be willing to kill a man, lead a child along for his own mental benefit, and then still wish for a peaceful solace?
'No… Maybe the problem is that it's incomplete, and that's why it's so selfish.'
The conviction he had brought upon himself, that said it was okay to do what had to be done… It was incomplete, because what was it that had to be done for what he, and likely others who may surround him, would really want?
Trust and being selfish… Both of those things held merit, but what was the merit that those two things held?
'Trust… Selfishness… Selflessness?'
Suddenly, something clicked in Day's mind. The infant conviction that sprouted and brought about a new Day was now rapidly evolving into something new, not because it wanted to, but because it had no choice. If he wanted to grow, it had to.
"Neither of us are correct…" Day whispered under his breath.
'Jacob is wrong. Trust is important, and what makes us human. I can't imagine a world where people can thrive when nobody can truly trust each other. Even in the world I live in, the real one, people push companionship to survive. I cannot forsake trust, or I will die. Jacob is the perfect example of that. In the end, Audrey being there and on my side was what helped me stay alive both times I fought. That's an undoubtable reality Jacob was too foolish to live with, but perhaps he wasn't entirely wrong. I do need to build trust, but I can't just expect it to come so easy. That was my mistake. A mistake that, like many before, must never be made again. I need to build trust slowly, but also be careful not to let my desire to do so get in the way of others who surround me, or be a detriment to my own livelihood. It doesn't need to be terribly slow every time, rather, it has to depend on the person who I am building such things with, or the environment I'm in. For this environment… Perhaps I should be careful of everyone I may meet until the end, if I meet anyone else.'
One part of Day's mind had been cleared, but it wasn't over. There was still one more moving part, and the solution felt evident, but also endlessly cloudy. Like there was a veil covering the truth with a dastardly mist almost as deep as the darkness that was swallowing this canyon whole.
'I shouldn't let my selfish desires get in the way. Selfishness… is a sin, after all. Self preservation is important, but if I am solely selfish, I cannot build relationships, which I need to survive… at least not without power. It wasn't incorrect to try to preserve my life with a little bit of rest, but I went about it wrong because of my false views of what trust should be. Not to mention, there was something I was missing in my actions that should have always been there because of Audrey's presence. Bringing Audrey along so I didn't feel bad about myself was selfish, making myself lead so I felt better about myself despite Audrey's protests was selfish, bringing her along with Jacob and me into an enclosed space and getting her knocked out… Selfish. All of it was selfish, I lacked a sense of selflessness. I was unable to act selfless so that we could both be at peace. She is a child, maybe she didn't understand fully, but after what I did, she won't need to understand to be wary of the choices I'll make for the rest of our journey…'
'Even now, I'm still being selfish. I'm still bringing her along simply because it benefits me emotionally. When I reach the end of this Nightmare, maybe I'll feel good about myself because I didn't see her die, but I'm still leaving her behind, if this was real, she would probably end up dying anyway.'
Day sighed with contempt. That thought pissed him off. He disliked the idea that a child was in a place so dreadful they were destined to die without help, especially considering how bitter the people who surrounded the child were.
'There is nothing I can do about that, so maybe there's something more I need to do… but what is it? What can I do to continue to build… something with this child? Perhaps what we need isn't an iron trust between the two of us. In this dreadful world… Trust doesn't come so easy. I need to take a different approach.'
' Think, Day, what can you do? It has to be something selfish, so I will feel better about my own shortcomings, even if I don't deserve it… but perhaps selfless as well, so that there will be peace of mind for her too before the end of my trial. '
The gears in Day's mind that were turning after rusting from sixteen years of a calm, easy life were working their hardest to find a solution. Thus far, Day built a companionship with Audrey through as much honesty as he could muster.
Honest actions, and honest words. Audrey didn't like letting Day lead, and Day ignoring that was his mistake, but she still let him. Why? Perhaps because she knew that Day really didn't plan to forsake her and lead her to a certain death, even if she was struggling to fully understand him. This result was born from him risking his life to save her, and accepting her even after she admitted she thought he was crazy with full sincerity. It likely also had something to do with him saying that he no longer thought of her as a nuisance, but in Day's eyes, even that was missing an extremely important layer.
'The reason I thought her to be a nuisance…'
Day lifted his head back up.
'I need to go even further. The Spell… That evil Spell conjured her. The fact that this isn't real is the answer. She is fake, I am not, but that doesn't need to divide us. I think… I know what I need to do, to show her my sincerity.'
After he realized what he wished to do, after he realized what it was that could truly birth, at least temporarily, the full picture that Jacob spoke of…
Audrey, as if answering to him, began to stir awake.