"I'm sorry," he said, and I swear the world paused- like it was waiting for my inevitable ruin. "I don't think I can reciprocate your feelings…It's not that I don't find you attractive or anything, no, if I was gay, you'd be my type, you know?" If I was gay. That's the part I keep chewing on. Not the rejection- no. I could survive on a simple 'no', you could woe a person to change their mind…but that little 'if'? That was murder dressed as mercy…like a sympathetic twist of words. It wasn't the words alone, no, its how he said them, like he was petting a dog that he was going to abandon…gentle, sympathetic and apologetic…like he expected me to wag my tail and thank him for his kindness. And I did. I smiled, nodded and probably said something normal, I can't remember…but I remember his face. His divinely beautiful face. I remember the exact shape of his lips made when he said those words. His sympathetic smile, soft and gentle…meant to let someone down slowly and then walk away, unscathed, untouched. Like how an angel would reject a devil who fell for him. I felt something shatter in me, not my heart, but like a lock to a cage. I watch him, walk away, back turned, shoulders relaxed, like he unloaded a burden, like I was a momentary inconvenience he dealt with kindly. I watched him until he was out of sight, leaving me standing there, in hollow silence, in a crater of his rejection. The cage finally opened fully and I smiled. Slowly. Widely. Like everything made sense. He thinks it's over? Oh no, he ended something that set me free. He doesn't realize that he gave himself to me. Wholly. Because now…I'll learn what's in the cage and rebuild it.
He told me he doesn't love me. So now I'll teach him. Oh Devin, you don't reject someone like me, you awaken a monster.