There were many ways Steve thought his Monday might start. Coffee. Maybe a flat tire. A message from his ex that felt like a spiritual tax audit.
He did not expect a goat to headbutt him into the multiverse.
"Gary, I swear to everything mildly sacred—" Steve stumbled, clutching his ribcage, as the goat bleated like it was delivering prophecy. Which, knowing Gary, was entirely possible.
Gary was no ordinary goat. He'd eaten something he wasn't supposed to—rumors ranged from divine mushrooms to the actual naughty bits of a long-lost fertility goddess—and now he had a tendency to sparkle when he sneezed and ignore the laws of physics. Or consent.
The portal behind them rippled like jello made of nightmares. Steve glanced at the runes hovering in the air and tried not to throw up. They looked suspiciously like someone had mashed together Norse, Greek, and "highly caffeinated barista" into a magical script.
"Is this the System?" Steve muttered.
Text materialized in front of his face:
[SYSTEM ACTIVATED]
Welcome, Steve of Suburbia!
You have been forcibly recruited for... reasons.
Enjoy your stay in: REALM_404-GODS-B-GONE
A new line blinked.
Would you like a tutorial? [YES] [NO] [WTF]
Steve punched [WTF].
The system replied:
Too late. Good luck!
There was a pop, a whirr, and the distinct sound of reality cracking its knuckles—and suddenly, Steve was falling.
Not metaphorically. He was literally falling out of the sky, arms pinwheeling, a goat screaming beside him like it had unresolved trauma with gravity.
---
Steve hit the ground with the grace of a discount piñata. Dirt flew. Gary landed on his feet, of course, because goat physics were just better than human physics. Probably because Gary had ascended to some kind of minor chaos god. Unofficially.
The forest around them buzzed with an unnatural hum. Trees whispered secrets in languages no tree should know. Mushrooms blinked.
"Okay," Steve said, brushing himself off. "Let's recap. I woke up, got headbutted by a cosmic goat, fell through a portal, and now I'm in a magical forest that looks like it was designed by an intern at a haunted zoo."
Gary sneezed. A butterfly exploded into glitter.
"Of course."
---
It only got weirder.
Steve's arm buzzed, and a glowing tattoo appeared—his "class selection" interface.
CHOOSE YOUR CLASS:
Bardbarian
NecromancEater
Divine Accountant
Unclassified Error
He hesitated. "Unclassified Error sounds about right."
The system chimed:
Congratulations! You are now a Level 1 Glitchwalker.
"Glitchwalker?"
**Perks unlocked:
+10 Sarcasm
Immune to tutorials
Occasionally immune to death (terms and conditions apply)**
Steve groaned. "Figures. I got assigned the rogue intern class."
Gary licked a glowing rock and started levitating. His eyes turned briefly lavender.
"Stop that!"
Gary bleated and landed in a flowerbed shaped like the goddess Aphrodite's left butt cheek.
---
As night approached, Steve found a clearing and started a fire the old-fashioned way: swearing at it until it worked. He sat down, tried to open his inventory, and was promptly assaulted by a pop-up ad.
[FREE CURSED LOOTBOX? Y/N]
"Nope."
It still exploded in his face.
When the smoke cleared, Steve was holding a sword that looked like it had been forged by an edgy teenager after watching too much anime. It whispered dark secrets to him in iambic pentameter.
He tossed it behind a rock.
---
And then... a ripple.
Something heavy and ancient stepped through the trees. Chains dragging. Robes fluttering. Eyes like collapsing stars.
Steve froze.
Then the being tripped over Gary and face-planted into the dirt.
"OH FOR CHAOS' SAKE—" the figure shouted.
Steve stared.
"...Are you a demon?" he asked cautiously.
The figure groaned and rolled over, revealing a surprisingly normal-looking guy in tattered formalwear and shackles. "Name's Stefon MyKraken. Former tormentor of gods. Long story. Thanks for the goat tripwire."
Gary puffed up with pride.
"Great," Steve muttered. "I've got a chaos goat and a chained-up demon for company. Just need a sarcastic sword and a traumatized wizard and I'll have the full discount hero package."
Stefon grinned. "You'll do just fine, Steve."