I'm so tried. They stuck adhesive on my skin but I'm allergic. My whole arm is itchy as well. I have no meds ordered. My headache's back. Pulsing. Throbbing? Said that they wanted to try ECT on me. It's supposed to help with depression. It think its supposed to help find relief. Done under general anesthesia. About an Hour. Said that 71% of people are affected. I'm tired. Why won't people shut up? My heart hurts. I'm not even hungry. I'm just eating to survive. They won't give me Benadryl or an antidepressant. It's ok. I'm ok. I think. I miss my dog and my dog. I miss Saka. I want to go home, I think. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to play games. My only friend here is leaving today. I don't have friends here. J is okay but him and I don't talk. I want real food. My stomach still hurts. I want Sheetz. Or even Wawa or mom's food.
Had another flare. I thought this was supposed to stop after the surgery. I'm so tired My uterus hurts, Can I curl up and cry yet?
Oh well. Don't think its gonna end anytime soon.
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The pain never ends, I guess. I just want to shut up. I have to go back out there. I ate some of lunch. It sucked. I ate some of the brisket. I had two cups of juice. 1 cup of cranberry. My collarbone hurts?? Oh well. JJ left. I feel so alone. V is nice, but he's not the same. I want to take a nap. I think i miss my lover. Questioning if i want to get married anymore. It's a lot of stress I don't have the energy to do. My right collar bone kind of hurts again? I don't want to get my wedding dress. My engagement ring barely fits. Should I get married? I love him, but I don't know if we should. Maybe we're not ready. Maybe we're not ready? Maybe we should wait until I'm out of here to talk. I know he wants kids- I don't. My tubes got taken out for a reason. I love him, I know that much. My stomach hurts- I shit blood again. They talked about my motivation to change in group. I tried to call dad. I called R today. She and I talked about food and how I should call mom. I really don't want to call mom. I just know that she hates me. I just want mom to love me. why doesn't she love me? CC says I should move in with her. But that would take me away from my family. I can't leave my family. Considering singing myself out again. I don't want to be here anymore. The people are nice but I don't feel like I belong here. I don't feel excluded, just not welcome. Feel like I'm an outsider, maybe. That was a good book. Why do I feel like I should go? This isn't home. It's peaceful, yes. But home? Hell no.
I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I got admitted on Tuesday. It's Thursday now. I was kind of hoping to be home for the holidays. I think dad would like that. Maybe. Or he might hate me too. I hope I can see my dog soon. I miss the little creature, despite how much I hate her jumping on me.
My room is empty. All I have in here is me, my journal, my glasses. My bed is neatly made and folded. I'm laying on my stomach. I can hear peopl ein the group room. 21 Pilots is playing loudly.
Dinner is supposed to be good. I just got benadryl. I told them I was allergic to adhesive. Seems that they didn't believe me? I hope my bloodwork came back OK. Probably low BUN levels again. Lack of protein, they say. My head feels heavy. I wonder if I'll still have my job when I get back. Maybe I'll publish this online. I feel like a hamster trapped in its cage. I miss my phone, but this is a much needed detox. I wonder how mom's doing. I miss my love. I wonder where I should publish this.
Food list:
- French Toast with sausage and apple.
- Enough OJ to kill a citrus farm
- Brisket and Apple
- Cranberry and OJ
- Snack; Eggo
- Dinner: Chicken and Sweet Potato fries.
I didn't eat much of chicken. It had mushrooms in it. I'm so nauseous. Should I should myself out? Maybe. I just want to go home.
I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed. I can't wait to go home and eat my mama's food and hug my dogs. I really can't wait. Should I ask to 72 myself?
I asked!! The nurse said she'd find out. I want to know. I want to go home early. I don't think I need to be here anymore. I'm over the initial crisis period. I think I'll be fine if i leave. I can't miss this GI appointment and I'll just follow up with my PCP. Kk is so nice. I know she's going through her own things and I feel so bad. She was going to be discharged today. Something went wrong though. She was in her room crying.
Someone got 304'd for punching a cop. Someone else got so drunk that they got into legal issues. O likes to 'fake' seizures. J is cool. V is so nice- so sweet. C has a weed issue, but he's doing so well now, I wouldn't be surprised if they got discharged soon. The tech T is so so sweet. The new nurse is kind.
My ankle barely hurts anymore. I miss JJ more than I thought. They were so understanding.I can't wait to see them again and talk to them again. I want my clothes again. I hope that nurse comes back.
I've learned that K is a die-hard christian. She doesn't force anyone into her religion. She doesn't force her beliefs on anyone. Maybe she's one of the good ones? I want to be wary. I don't want to get too attached to anyone here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I should Call my mom, but I'm worried that she'll explode. I can't wait to be home again. I feel fine on this medication. Maybe ECT wouldn't be the best. Maybe I wouldn't be the best candidate.
I hope i have enough content to finish this. I hope I have enough content to make people happy. I'm not too sure I deserve a happy ending. Not everyone gets a happy ending. Maybe I won't.
C loves rap. He's played J Cole and Drake. O lives Cavetown and 21 Pilots. K likes older music and her bible. I love everything.
Anyway. Back on about fate. Its unpredictable at best, yet somehow predictable. I'm just on the roller coaster of Fate In the front seat. I need to be kinder to myself. I hope fate is kind to me. More Kind then I have been to myself. I need to be gentle on my tired body. My brain needs to learn to be kind to itself- not just to others.
The NP thinks I have social anxiety. I think she's right. And probably have some form of OCD. Maybe they should try a stimulant next. Some are made to help depression, I think. My head is so heavy. Maybe I should nap.
I 72'd myself. For the next 72 hours I will be evaluated to see if I am okay to be on my own? I'm not suicidal anymore, I'm just tired, really. Hopefully I'll be home for the holidays. Maybe I'll as K to write her favorite verse in here, Maybe I'll go back to church. Maybe I'll read the bible. I just want to feel like I mean something to someone. I hope I'll fall in love again.
I want my mommy. It's weird to say- I haven't called her that in forever. I'm scared though. I'm scared of what she's going to say or do, but I have to do it sometime.
I love her and I hate her. This schedule helps.