A blank screen turns into a digitized character.
"What the shit?" Eric frantically looks around. "Where the hell am I?... Why do I have to choose my name?"
A loud female voice rumbles through the world.
"Welcome to RuneScape! An adventure for everyone!"
Eric looks into the sky. "God?"
No answer. A long silence continues.
"Fuck this shit I gotta go home! Get back to my pussy pocket..."
The intro man begins to speak gently with a voice of wisdom.
"Pimp out your character and select your name."
Eric floating in the air looks closely into the old man's eyes.
"That doesn't sound right... Is someone messing with you?"
Back at Jagex headquarters in the real world, in a room no one will ever find, three young men stare at the screen.
Jared sits down on a couch, "he doesn't have one."
Alec the supervisor of this project ignores the remark and screams into Filip's ear. "Get him to make his name already!"
Filip elegantly presses the keys on his 4080z built in computer, with shit you wont understand or see in the real world. They say, it takes a geek to be a geek. "Patience my friend. Patience."
Alec doesn't have any of it. "Hurry the hell up or you're fired!"
Filip replies enthusiastically "computing shit off the script takes time. Besides if we screw this up it could be bad... real bad."
Alec presses his lips into Filip's ear, "get that bastard to make his name and off of tutorial island. We. Don't. Have. Time to waste!"
Jared buts in eating chips "blowing his ear drums won't help."
Filip looks up at Jared, "how we became partners in this I'll never know."
Alec gives him a gentle shove. "There's a lot you'll never know.. Get clicky-clackin."
The Gielenor guide wiggles. "Let's boogie woogie. Make that name! And off of tutorial island you go!"
Eric looks blankly at the intro man. 'I quit this game 5 years ago... how the hell did I end up in it? Maybe I should be a girl? No. What the hell am I thinking!'
Eric screams outload, "I want out!"
The Gielenor guide scratches his head, "the only way you'll get out is if you get off tutorial island."
Eric replies sarcastically lacking enthusiasm "No shit sherlock. I want out out. I don't want to see these shitty pixels or hear your pathetic voice. I gotta go..."
Eric begins to examine the house, "eat lunch or something..."
He continues to soak in the RuneScape world. 'Holy smokes... this is so real. How?' A few moments of silence go by.
Eric speaks up, "look idiots how did you get me in here?"
The intro man begins to do a subtle dance move. "That is none of your concern."
Alec slaps Filip in the head. "Tell that asshole we won't take any of his insults, and if he doesn't hurry the hell up... well. Someone dies. That's right. Somebody... His whole family back home gets mutilated and destroyed!"
Jared laughs, "what about me?"
Alec shakes his hands wildly "excluding you! Quit distracting us from our work."
Jared eats another chip "sure thing Sherlock" CRUNCH!
Alec furiously looks at Jared annoyed by the sound. He then attempts to take matters into his own hands, pushes Filip aside, and types like a madman.
Filip tries to stop him. A friendly so called "tug of war" begins.
The Gielenor guide gets discombobulated and begins dancing more moves then one can handle.
"Don't insult me you mother****** , ajshdjseifowortoso, if you do it akshan, I'll Detroit all your familiars!!!!! Get members quickly."
Eric takes a deep breath, "What the shit?" 'Alright. Ima be a girl, but first things first. I gotta pick a name. It has to be something cool or super gay.'
Eric begins creating his name,
Jagex1sgay42. 'Crap can't do 420. That's right... The 12 letter limit.'
Eric continues to try various names.
Imadouch3.
TheJanitor.
Triple doubl.
'Crap can't do any underscores. Eh.. didn't fit anyway'.
triplethreat.
DeezRhuge.
'Hmm. Maybe I should just do something normal.
EricsJourney.
Ericshorny.
PandaExpress.
Black Panter.
RJ.
Shimshitty.
Filip finally manages to push Alec aside, "stop. See he started."
Alec looks closely and reads outload, "Dilwaddoe" he smacks the screen "Asshole!"
Filip protects his precious monitor. Eric continues to search for a name.
CrapyChief.
Isuckatlife.
'Screw this ima just do it. My dream name. Here it goes...LeThaL'.
Select enter. Name confirmed.
'Oh shit it worked. Last time I tried it was taken.'
Eric speaks out loud so everyone can hear "Ima be a girl. With big tits!".
'Big tits indeed I always wanted to know what it would be like.'
Alec points at the screen taking deep breaths "He's picking a girl!"
Jared buts in, "you sexist?"
Filip tries to distract Alec, "So what, let him do his thing, and lets have fun. "
Jared notoriously gets up "I'm already having fun." he looks closer at the screen smiling and lights a cigar.
Alec screams "How did he get that name?! It shouldn't be available!"
He blows a puff of smoke into Alec's face who begins to cough out his lungs.
Filip pretends like he didn't hear Alec and continues to talk "Besides I think we've already gotten off script a little too much."
Alec attempts to speak "Yeah right. UHAH! Keep Click! UHAH! Eee! UHAH! UUHAHH! CLACKIN! He continues to cough unconTROLLably.
Eric notices the pronouns. 'Damn. They got into this game too huh. Why cant I just identify as a freakin dog. Or a goddamn gypsy Santa clause who's retired on a 401k from Crypton right before it was destroyed by the Wolverine. Oh wait.. that's not how it went. Alright.. they/them select.'
'That's right, blonde hair, ponytail, bigger torso I mean tits. Make those as visible as possible and skinny legs. No leg day for sure. Small feet, light skin, and... ima throw in a beard.'
The three looking at the screen begin to laugh hysterically!
Alec smacks Filip in the back "Looks like the ugliest bitch I've ever seen! I got the drinks..."
Filip smiles back enjoying the moment. "... and hurry the fuck up."
Filip sneers, "buzz kill... fag. Faggot."
Alec walks like a drunk man, "we're getting wasted tonight boys!"
Jared puffs on his cigars, "that's one ugly broad."
Filip laughs making a joke "Alec wouldn't have a shot with her."
Alec pours his drink and two others, "I heard that and I heard what you said before that." He raises his eye brows and joins the gentleman.
'This feels weird. Screw it. A ripped Viking... I like the sound of that. Male. Select. Let's swap out this head design...'
Eric goes through all the settings in the speed of light, fohawk, red hair, narly badass beard, big arms, massive torso, but when it came to the torso he took his time.
'What the hell, nope no buttons, what are these x's for? Half the vest gone? What for...What the hell are these circles I don't got breasts. Hah! Might as well look like a girl with that design. Too fancy. Too shmancy. Nice. That's the one. I'll think of it as a V-neck poppin chest day. Standard grey shirt with a slight spread down the middle. Larger hands, thicker legs, cream pants, big ass feet, I'm likin the brown shoes, skin white as snow, I never see the sun anyway, leg day Steve, double sized. Done.'
Select confirm.' Eric smiles. "Sweet."
The boys lift their drinks at the same time, "One. Two! Threeee!"
'Alright... what's next? Who the hell is pulling the strings? The Gielenor guide is definitely off script. NPCs don't do that...obviously.'
"Getting started" appears in the interface with a long ass description.
Eric reads 'Before you begin, have a read through the controls guide in the top left of the screen. When you're ready to get started, click on the Gielinor Guide. He is indicated by a flashing yellow arrow.
'Okay. Time to skip this shit.'
The Gielenor guide looks at him "What the hell is taking him so long? Ope."
He attempts to close his mouth. "I said that outload."
Eric's eyes widen. "You can talk?"
The Gielenor guide looks away. "Select Talk-to so I can go back to script, today's been a funny day. UNORTHADOX!"
The Gielenor guide attempts to play NPC and maintain his normal composure.
'What the flip? These NPC's are self conscious? No... dah shit...? NO WAY! Is he lookin at me? Homie didn't even blink.'
'Okay... select talk-to.'
The Gielenor guide speaks "Greetings! I see you are a new arrival to the world of Gielinor. My job is to welcome all new visitors. So welcome!"
He continues to babble on "You have already learned the first thing needed to succeed in this world: talking to other people! You will find many inhabitants of this world have useful things to say to you. By clicking on them you can talk to them. Before we get going,"
'Skip. Skip. Skip.'.
Alec clenches his fist "I knew those bastards were self aware. I mean what the hell else do they do on their free time?"
Filip stares blankly at the screen in disbelief to what he just witnessed. He begins to gulp his drink.
Jared grins, "looks like we got our insider... to find out more about them."
Alec taps drinks with Jared. Jared pays no heed and continues to look at the screen.
'Fine ill finish reading the intro man's tips...and pretend to be a noob. This is actually for the noobs who never played before.' Eric laughs to himself.
The Gielenor guide continues to speak "Before we get going, if you could be so kind to let me know how much experience you have with Old School RuneScape, that would be wonderful! To answer, simply click your chosen answer on the following screen."
'Okay we have three options. More than last time. I guess that's a new update I'm not aware of.'
'Option 1: I am brand new! This is my first time here. Definitely not.'
'Option 2: I've played in the past, but not recently. That's true.'
Option 3: I am an experienced player. Clearly they know me more than I do.'
'Well I gotta go need for speed this shit so option one would be a lie. Option two feels like handicap. Option 3 it is.'
LeThaL speaks "I am an experienced player."
'Holy shit I just automatically talked. That's right I'm scripted too...somewhat. Okay ima skip this crap. Quick settings menu review. Yadidadidah'
Interface appears - Moving on - It's time to meet your first instructor.
'Wow. It's been so long this is way too nostalgic.' Eric takes a deep breath.
The ripped Viking cracks his knuckles and walks out the door.
'Time to cook.'