Chapter 2 — Stupid Guild, Stupid Monsters, and Even Stupider Systems
The sky was still blue. The birds still chirped. But Sion's mood felt like a soggy rice meal left in the rain.
"Lyra, seriously. Is this a guild or a city hall?"
The guild building stood tall and proud in the middle of a small town called Villandor. From the outside, it looked impressive—stone walls, two crossed swords on the emblem, and a dragon on top of the entrance. But inside... it smelled musty, the carpet was worn out, and the receptionist's desk was buried under piles of paperwork.
"Please wait for your number," said the receptionist, a middle-aged lady in a half-open robe.
"The system's down."
Sion glanced at the wooden display on the wall:
GUILD SYSTEM ERROR CODE 03: Failed to Connect to God
"Failed to connect to God? Is this a guild or a religious internet café?"
Lyra chuckled. "Happens all the time. Ever since the Demon King showed up, the system's been overloaded. Too many summoned heroes crashing the server."
"Wow. Even fantasy worlds suffer from isekai overpopulation."
Sion looked around. Dozens of adventurers were waiting their turn. Some napped in the corners, others played cards, a few debated seriously about what to have for lunch. The vibe was... too peaceful.
"I thought a guild would be full of tough guys. This feels more like a daycare center for freelancers."
Finally, Sion's number was called.
Hero Registration (Please fill out Forms 69A, 69B, and 420C)
"Full name?"
"Sion. No surname."
"Specialty?"
"Complaining and excuse-making."
"Age?"
"Depends. You counting from my reincarnation or my old ID card?"
"Race?"
"Commoner. Former human with lots of debt."
The receptionist jotted everything down seriously and handed him a wooden badge.
"Congratulations! You're officially a Rookie Hero. Your first mission: help the neighboring village deal with bandits."
"Wait. Bandits? I just landed here! At least give me a mushroom-picking quest first!"
"Mushrooms were taken by the retired squad. You get bandits."
The Stupid Team
That night, Lyra introduced Sion to some fellow adventurers. She said, "You'll need a team so you don't die alone."
1. Durag the Grumpy Dwarf
A burly dwarf with a long beard and a constant scowl.
"I used to be a weaponsmith. Now I'm an adventurer because taxes are insane."
2. Mimi, the Cheerful Cleric
A young blonde girl who was way too positive for a world this cruel.
"I believe everyone can change... even bandits!"
3. Kuro & Kura
Lyra's two-headed cat. One head was quiet, the other always angry.
"Foolish humans. Take us into the forest again, and we all die."
Sion looked at the bunch.
"This team's like the god of randomness just hit shuffle on life."
Mission: Drive Out the Bandits
The target village was two hours away. They arrived just as the sun disappeared. The villagers welcomed them with... skepticism.
"We asked the guild for help three times, and they sent us a loud-mouthed kid, a wizard, a retired dwarf, and a cleric who looks like a party host," said the village chief.
Sion grinned. "We're different, sir. We specialize in anti-corruption raids."
They got intel: the bandits were holed up in a nearby cave. Ten of them. Armed. Brutal. But dumb.
"Perfect for a debut," said Sion while planning the strategy.
"What strategy?" asked Durag.
"I'll be bait. You guys charge in once they panic."
"You? As bait? Are you nuts?"
"Relax. I'm a pro at dodging blame."
Executing the Plan: Stand-Up Comedy vs Bandits
Sion walked to the cave alone, waving a wooden stick he'd stolen from a garden.
"HEY! I'M A RICH TREASURE HUNTER! TOTALLY ALONE!"
The bandits came out.
"You little punk! Ready to die?!"
"Look at my face. Does this look scared? No, this is the face of someone disappointed in national exam results."
The bandits blinked. Sion kept talking.
"I was sent by the kingdom to find missing citizens, but all I find is some budget activist group living in a cave. You know how bad the signal must be here?"
One bandit started to get mad. Just as they moved closer—BOOM! Lyra threw a fireball.
Durag charged in yelling, "TAXES MUST BE LOWERED!" while Mimi healed from behind, singing a motivational tune.
The fight was ridiculous. Kuro & Kura bit the bandits' vital parts. Lyra cast fire spells—sometimes hitting the wrong targets. Durag smashed with his giant hammer, all while ranting about inflation.
Sion? He ran around screaming insults.
"You idiots lost because you never attended a motivational seminar!"
Eventually, all bandits were defeated. The last one fell after getting hit with a flying sandal.
After the Mission
The village threw a small celebration. The food was simple, but warm. The villagers started to respect them. One old lady said:
"You're different from other heroes, son. Your nagging... reminds me of my late husband."
Sion was touched.
"Thanks, ma'am. I'm proud to become the new national trauma."
That night, as the team rested, a carrier bird arrived.
"A letter from the guild," said Lyra.
Sion opened it. The message read:
> To Hero Sion,
You have violated 3 guild rules:
1. Using verbal attacks as your main weapon
2. Provoking bandits with sarcasm
3. Burning 10% of village vegetation
However, since the mission was a success, you are hereby assigned your next quest.
Location: The Royal City of Farlund
Problem: Monster that resembles a politician
Sion scratched his head.
"A monster that acts like a politician? Damn. Those are harder to kill. They usually vanish when asked about budget reports."
Durag looked up at the sky. "This is going to be a long journey."
Kuro & Kura spoke in unison:
"The stupid adventure begins."
To be continued...