She wanted her ashes spread across the country, she said that her time on the road with dad was the happiest of her life.
"I don't want you growing up fearing world Cricket, I want you to welcome it with open arms," She told me the last time I saw her, watching the cancer slowly eat away at her was the worst part, knowing it would eventually kill her and being powerless to stop it. But she never let that put her down, dad told me she fought for as long as she could. The doctors said she went peacefully. She didn't even know she died, but I didn't get my chance to tell her goodbye.
"Sit up straight Lila, you better not wrinkle that dress before we even get there or so help me," Aunt Barb snapped at me without looking away from the road. She forced me to wear it yelled and threatened and swore until I did, she's my mom's sister but no one would blame you for not knowing that, they look nothing like Mom was beautiful but Barb looks more like a dnd hag than a human, she's just a mean miserable old jerk that all her problems out on everyone else, I've been stuck living with her these past few days waiting for dad to come home.
My Dad is Reid Bishop, head of Bishop and Hendersons Cargo. If you're not part of the trucking community, you definitely don't know who or what that is. It's a company he started when I was born. They drive Semi trucks across the country for big companies. I don't really know him. He isn't around that often because of what he does when he is. He's always seemed so tired that I felt guilty bothering him.
The rain continued to pour. I avoided her gaze and looked outside to watch the drops of rain race to the bottom of the car window. I thought, "Is this my life now?" No Mom there means I'll have to stay with Barb when he's away. I hope I can convince him to take me with him.
The car rattled as it drove down the rock path that led to the church where the service was being held, she would have hated this, but with Dad still rushing to get here Barb had to plan it, there were so many cars there, people gathered around under umbrellas talking, I never seen one of them visit her, not once.
"Don't be causing a scene in here, you've had plenty of time to cry about it, today is for her." She doesn't care about her, mom said she would never step foot in another church for as long as she lived. She had bad memories with her family. She never told me much, to protect me I suppose I don't blame her after just meeting her sister.
"I won't," I say to appease her, Aunt barb is the type of person to settle arguments with a raised hand rather than words. I wait a second after she starts getting out. God this is going to suck. I didn't even want to come to this thing, meeting all of Mom's family by myself. Just by the looks of them, I can tell we aren't going to get along. They all look like barbs, stuck up and plastic, the type of people that will pray for you one second and stab you in the back in the next.
I finally got out when Barb started knocking on the window, of course, we forgot to bring an umbrella. Thankfully the church wasn't that far away, it was a small white building the kind that's been in a constant state of repair since it was built, It smelled like mildew and old people. The moment we entered barb abandoned me, walking off to gossip with her family. I think I'd rather die than follow her, I find a spot away from everyone standing near the pews, but of course, it wasn't long until someone spotted me.
"We'll If it ain't Lila June!" A large woman said as she waddled over to me a half smile across for face, she wore a black dress that was maybe a bit too tight for what was appropriate for a funeral.
"Oh, you probably don't remember me darlin' I'm your mom's cousin June. You Mama and I used to raise a little hell back in our day."
"Hi" I forced out, I didn't know what else to say, I had never met or heard of this lady a day in my life.
"We'll don't you look just like her? Same big eyes, and I bet you have the same smart mouth huh? Your mom used to be a real handful before we stopped talking." Sorry, she didn't put up with whatever crap you all put her through lady. Nodded and started shifting away, pretending to look around the church.
Then a man wandered over, a thick southern accent, a beer belly hidden underneath a button camo shirt. "Ain't This Reid's Girl?" he asked June.
"Yes sir, That's Lila, I heard Reid is still out trucking." She answered for me. "He bother to show up or is stuck somewhere again?" He joked like it was just a normal Tuesday and not my mom's fucking funeral.
"He's on his way," I mumbled.
They continued talking not paying me any more attention, reminiscing about Mom when she was young, laughing about how wild she was, about the time she ran off with a band, or the years she spent with Dad.
Not a word about how she held up during the chemo, how brave she was when she couldn't even muster the strength to eat. They weren't here for that, no one was, I grabbed the rim of my dress and told myself not to cry, Don't cry I told myself, I wasn't here for them, I was here for Mom.
I wish Dad was here.
I finally managed to slip away finding a secluded room behind the alter, it was quiet, the light was shineing through the glass windows, filled with stacks of old bibles that i doubt have bIen read in years, the mildew smeand ll was worse but no relatives was enough for me.
I let myself sink into a bench and breathe, finally. His silence greeted me like a friend, warm and welcoming. And for once I didn't hold back the tears, the kind of crying you do with your mouth sealed tight. Mom is dead, and I'm all alone now. In a family that hates me.
"You don't have to be strong all the time cricket, sometimes it's brave just to feel" I remember her telling me that when my hamster died. But I don't know if I can handle feeling this. Now that she's gone, I don't know how to keep moving forward, I don't want to.
But I'll try, for you Mom. Because I know that's what you'd want.
I heard the door creak open, stood up and turned around while I dried the tears from my eyes. "Sorry, I was just…counting the Bibles," I tried to excuse myself. I hoped it wasn't Barb; she hates tears. I braced myself for the yelling.
But it didn't come.
I turned, my eyes still puffy when I seen him, tall and strong with shaggy brown hair and a shaggy beard with dark bags under his eyes, Dad.
"Hey, Cricket." He, said calmly, he looked like hell, his shirt wrinkled his eyes red, and he looked like he hasn't slept in day's, he stood in the doorway unsure if he should come in.
"You're late" I whispered my voice cracking.
"I know." He closed the door behind him. "There was a Wreck on I-70. It held me up for hours." I sat on the bench, hugging my knees to my chest as he sat down beside me, close but not too close, we both just sat there, awkwardly
I swallowed hard before eventually breaking the silence. "I don't want to live with Aunt Barb."
He smirks as he looks back at the door. "And I don't blame you, that woman is the spawn of Satan."
"Don't worry you won't have to." He continued turning to face me, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a folded-up map of the USA, handing it to me, I looked up at him confused.
"Open it." He said, his voice calm as he leaned back into the bench. Every state was marked with a number, starting in Ohio and ending in Alaska, there were no routes highlighted and no other information, I doubt he could give me any if I asked.
"We'll go to every state we can by car, spreading her ashes like she wanted. If.." He stumbles with his words, rubbing the back of his neck.
"If you want to, I mean."
I looked down at the map trembling in my hands.
"I want to." I Finally say my barley above a whisper. He gave a small smile but didn't say anything back, he didn't need to.