Hey, Jacob Deetz here. Got the stupidest case of my life for ya. Now, this might drive some of ya away, but I've got to be straight with ya. We're dealing with perverts and their dumb culture in this case.
Specifically we have a man who was a Bull for a married woman, and her husband is the cuck and our top suspect. None of us can take it fucking seriously. We keep smirking and making jokes as we investigate.
"Hey Deetz. Tell me. Does this transfer of money to the bull's account from the cuck suggest motive?" Detective Triezz says wryly.
We laugh at that. This case is hysterical. The cuck is paying the bull to fuck his wife. What a joke. Until we're in the interrogation room.
The cuck- I mean suspect is a short, balding middle aged man. Thirty two years old. A manager at a assembly plant. Wears glasses, blue eyes, brown hair with a bald spot right in the middle. He came in with a black baseball cap but I made him take it off to make him sweat. Blue button up, khakis, black work boots. I wish I could make him take those off. Steel toes make me nervous.
"Alright, Arnold Hanson. If I am correct, your wife was cheating on you with-" I say with forced calm, a smirk on my face.
"It was a open relationship." Arnold says firmly.
We can't help but laugh until he smacks a fist against the desk and glares at us. My partner, John Davidson, laughs again. I restrain myself with a smirk. His glare intensifies, cooling us a bit.
"Alright cuckaroo, easy there." John says wryly.
"What'd you say?" Arnold snaps angrily.
"He said buckaroo. Moving on." I say firmly. "Did you have any beef with your bull?" I ask bluntly.
"No, I was perfectly content with him fucking my wife. I even watched and enjoyed it sensually." Arnold says with meek sincerity.
...
"We need a minute to discuss this." John says amusedly.
We step outside quickly, and burst out laughing before shutting the door.
"DUDE, WHO THE FUCK MURDERED THIS BULL!? IS HE THAT MUCH OF A CUCK!?" John yells with great laughter.
I laugh with him. Then we hear a muffled shout.
"Hey, I can hear you pricks! I want my lawyer, you're awful cops! Quit making fun of me being a cuck! My bull is dead! This is serious!" Cuckaroo yells with sad seriousness.
... We just laugh harder. Then we enter again. Smiles still on our faces.
"Alright, so you- heh. Loved your bull, huh?" I say sheepishly.
"I did, yes. He made me and my wife very happy. He just made our relationship work. He's the perfect third wheel." Arnold says with sadness.
"So describe how he was like, as a third wheel." John says amusedly.
Arnold sighs, eyes watering.
"He was hung like a horse. He was quiet. Brave. Much more handsome than me. And I loved him like a brother. He taught me how to use a penis pump so I could-" He says sincerely.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! JACOB, I QUIT! FUCK, THIS IS TOO FUNNY TO TAKE SERIOUSLY!" John yells with amused cringe.
John runs out the run while I'm left behind chuckling. Arnold is crying and beet red with embarrassment. I sigh annoyedly.
"Alright Arnold. Soooo... Any idea who could've killed the Bull? If it wasn't you?" I ask awkwardly.
Arnold looks me dead in the eye, serious as can be.
"He is known to be many women's Bull. He gets around. As expected of the perfect third wheel. He greases the wheels just right." He says.
"Alright. Any idea who's husband was mad?" I ask hesitantly.
Arnold spreads his arms wide and stares angrily now.
"Literally almost all of their husbands. They all found out recently he was cucking them. He was doxed or something." He says.
I laugh at that, and whistle nervously.
"Holleeeyyy shit. We could have half the town out for this man. We better announce he's dead quick." I say amusedly. "Alright, so write me a list of every name you know that is related to this case. I need everyone he pissed off." I say nicely.
"I don't fucking know them. Hell, I'm scared of them. One of them tried motivating me to kill my Bull myself." Arnold says angrily.
I stare at Arnold seriously for once.
"Alright, what's that guy's name? Or what's he look like? Any info would help." I say.
"He was my coworker at my job. I'm a office manager and he's my subordinate. His name is Randy Mawrsh." Arnold says nervously
Randy Mawrsh, huh? A regular for getting in fist fights from what I hear. Definitely a potential suspect if he was cucked.
"I'll check it out. Thanks Arnold. You're free to go. You're not a murderer, I think." I say nicely.
I decide to head out shortly afterwards. I am in my squad car, a black and white bmw. Classic cop style. One problem: no squad, just me. I need help. Just cause... Honestly, I want someone to help make fun of these fucking clowns while we drive to and from leads.
I call on the radio for the police building.
"Yo, my mannnn Lucius come on down. We've got the stupidest murder to solve." I say with good humor.
... ... ... Silence.
"Hey Jacob. You're on your own, everyone thinks this case is fucking stupid." Chief Walston says calmly.
I sigh annoyedly. Of course the Chief would say that. I turn on my car, and begin driving away at the speed limit. Cause I also barely care. I also stop to get a hot dog at a nearby restaurant called Jimmy's. I fucked my ex-wife there. She also divorced me there, in a public screaming match about gay I am cause I can swallow a whole hot dog in one bite, and regularly show it off to fuck with people. It's just a coincidence I swear. I'm actually bisexual. Heh.
Anyway, I arrive at my favorite fast food place. It's color scheme is red and white, it's an average place. Nothing special. Just big brand food with cheap food that's overpriced, but fast to get.
Unfortunately as I stand in line, something goes wrong. And I have to do my job. Cause someone fucking throws ice in the fucking fryer! And I'm a cop so obviously I gotta yell-
"FREEZE. THAT'S VANDALISM AND YOU FUCKING RUINED MY LUNCH PRICK!" I yell furiously.
A young man looks at me for a moment. He's black with a towering afro. I thought those were out of style. Wait, no he's my age.
"Hey, since was that Arnold show back in vogue?" I joke cockily. "Anyway, you better apologize to the manager before he presses charges. I'm a cop!" I snap angrily.
He runs out the back, and I sigh annoyedly. I look at an older man behind the counter.
"Hey, give me that kid's address. I'll find him at his house later. I'm on a case right now." I say quickly.
He glares at me.
"Are you serious!? Go arrest him now!" he snaps angrily.
…
"Look, I'm not a beat cop. That's not really required of me. Plus I'm kinda bad at cardio. So give me his address, I'll pick him up there." I say seriously.
His face turns red, before he turns around and sprints out the back. I sigh annoyedly, and walk outside. Then I get in my police car to the sound of a man screaming bloody murder and chasing down that bad employee. It isn't hard to find them. Three minutes later, they're on a back street in the nearby neighborhood trading blows. The Manager is on the ropes for a moment until he punches the Bad Employee in the throat.
… What if I just took a left? … I take a left and just start leaving. They literally stop fighting to stare at me. I stare at them as I turn and drive away. It's small time shit. I've got a fucking… cuck murder to solve. … I back up my car and park it. This is somehow more important.
I get out the car, and approach the now silent duo.
"Alright, so are you pressing charges? Cause kid, that's assault and vandalism now." I say angrily.
"No, I'm gonna kill him." Manager says angrily.
I glare at him, and throw my hands out high and to the sides.
"What the fuck do you mean? No, stop that! I'm a cop! I'll arrest you too!" I snap angrily.
"Shut up pig, you're gay." Bad Employee says angrily.
"I don't recall my sexuality being relevant criminal! Now shut up and come with me before I use force!" I yell angrily.
"You can't do shit, there's cop brutality laws. I know you can't hit me that much." Bad Employee says, bitterly cocky.
… … …
"Fine, fight it out." I say angrily.
I stand off to the side and watch. They both stare at me confusedly until the Manager speaks up.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Manager says, confused and angry.
"Can you beat him some more? When he's close to knocked out, I'll do the finishing blow. Then I will only arrest him." I say seriously.
They both stare at one another, then back at me. Then they stare at each other, and assume boxing stances. They stand tensely… … Then the Manager turns back to me, puts his guard down, and starts bitching.
"Bro, you're the cop. You do this." Manager complains.
"But I'll get fined. Bro, help out. Please." I beg calmly.
The Bad Employee punches the Manager in the face, and he just let's it happen.
"Help, or I'm complaining to the President." Manager says with desperate anger.
"Bro, you're a dick!" I snap angrily.
I charge at the criminal, and tackle him to the ground. Then I try wrestling him onto his front, then pulls his arm back to put his cuffs on. But he's struggling hard, we're wrestling on the ground, rocking back and forth. I'm throwing close elbows while he's trying to joke me.
"Hey man, that's cop brutality. Those elbows are rude." Manager says nervously.
I turn my head to yell at the Manager.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP OR QUIT JUDGING ME! THIS IS A REAL FIGHT!" I yell angrily. "IF YOU DON'T HELP, I'M GONNA GO SOLVE MY FUCKING MURDERED BULL CASE!"
The Manager huffs angrily, then starts lazily kicking the Bad Employee. I growl angrily at the sight, but it gives the opening I need to wrestle him onto his front.
"PUT YOUR FOOT ON HIS SHOULDER!" I order firmly.
He tensely stomps on the Bad Employee's shoulder, pinning him down. His foot jumps up a few times as the man struggles against us. But with his aid, I hold the Bad Employee in place long enough to cuff him. I pull him up to his feet, stand up myself, and smile at the Manager.
"Thanks citizen, well done." I say happily.
"I'm suing you, that was scary." Manager says fearfully. "I never want to do that again. He was a good employee until now. Then he came to work high on crack!" he cries miserably.
He breaks down crying, face red, and starts walking back to the restaurant. I keep a straight face for a minute, then chuckle a bit.
"Man, fuck you, don't laugh. This is serious." Bad Employee says angrily.
"Sure bud. Sure." I say with fake kindness.
I will laugh not so secretly later on at the bar. I for now take him back to my cop car, and drive him back to the Police Station. I lock up the new prisoner, fill out his paperwork, and then go back out on my original case. Fucking ugh.
"Hey, there's a robbery at the bank." Operator says nervously.
I snatch up the radio and shout "I'M ON IT!" I yell happily.
I start doing a U turn in the midst of traffic. But then my Chief shouts into the radio.
"THAT'S SWAT'S JOB, FOCUS ON THE FUCKING MURDERED BULL!" he yells furiously.
I am so sad I park my car after that absurd U-turn. Then I put on Eddy Sheepan. And cry about my ex-wife.
"My wife was right about me. I'll never amount to anything. I always have to solve stupid mysteries. I never solve anything worth being proud of." I cry miserably.
Kids are outside my window, yelling at me, calling me "Pigbaby, Pigbaby, Pigbaby!" I drive away, crying and wailing.
I eventually arrive to that Arnold dude's house. I already feel like a hot mess entering a stickier situation than the frying pan is used to. The house is hot pink with white trim. It's like a dollhouse in the midst of Cincinnati. And I thought we were in Florida.
I approach the door and knock. Within seconds, the door swings open. A thin man wearing a red t-shirt and blue jean shorts glares at me as soon as he emerges from behind the door.
"Yeah, so what is it? If it's about the Bull, he deserved it, but I wasn't involved. I was at work, f**." Man says angrily.
I glare back, and pull out my notebook.
"So you already know why I'm here? That makes this easier. Are you Arnold? Who'd you tell to do it then?" I ask angrily.
"Yeah, I'm Arnold Shuckins. I didn't tell anyone. I was drunk, and didn't pay anyone. Nobody got serious about it. They called me a cuck and told me to go fuck myself. I fought the Bouncer, he beat me up. And now I calmed down, and I don't want to murder anyone." he says angrily.
I stroke my chin, "Hmm"ing as I do.
"Alright, were you cucked?" I ask bluntly.
"Yeah. And then I divorced her. So now I'm single. So now I'm not cucked." Arnold says angrily.
I have to restrain myself from chuckling. Cause that's not how it works.
"Alright, so who did it?" I ask nicely.
"The Bull that died. But it's just a coincidence he died after fucking my wife. It was someone else he cucked, I swear. I found lots of people that have been cucked by him. In fact they're behind you right now." Arnold says angrily.
I turn around slowly, confused and amused at a crowd of balding men, and some young men as well. And one mother with their teenage son. This is awkward as hell, but I can't help but laugh.
"Alright, what the fuck is going on now!?" I yell, shocked and amused.
"JUST LET THE BULL DIE! NO NEED TO SEND ANYONE TO JAIL!" Balding Man 1 yells furiously.
I don't even skip a beat before saying-
"No, I'm a cop. They're going to jail." I say bluntly.
"He fucked your wife." Random Mother says seriously.
"What, no he didn't. Shut up, dummy." I say angrily.
"He did. And I liked it." Darla says happily.
I turn and see my wife Darla Deetz! I fall to my knees, and yell at my wife.
"DARLAAAAA! YOU THINK THIS CHANGES ANYTHING!? NOW IT'S PERSONAL! NOW I WILL CONVICT FOR MY PRIDE AND JUSTICE! I MUST AVENGE MYSELF FOR BEING CUCKKKKKEEEDDDDD!" I yell with passionate anger and misery.
"No, you just need to let him go." Balding Man 2 says angrily. "Think about it. The man who cucked you is dead. Let it go." he says angrily.
"No honey, don't it go. I want my man avenged please." Darla says nicely.
I stand up and flip up my wife.
"FUCK YOUUUU! I'M CHARGING YOU WITH THE MURDER IF YOU SAY ANOTHER STUPID THING, YOU STUPID BITCH! WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE! FUCKING CUCKQUEENNNN!" I shout furiously.
Then I turn to the crowd.
"Also no, I'm still arresting the murderer. Because I'm a cop. And it's my duty to protect and serve. So I serve justice to murderers because murder is bad." I say angrily.
"But what if I did it?" Teenage Boy says sheepishly.
I hesitate for a moment. Then I run at the boy and clothesline him. Bringing him to the ground, I punch him in the face, and slap the cuffs on him.
"You're under arrest, murderer!" I yell triumphantly.
I start humming a victory song as I pull the teenage murderer up and begin taking him to my car. Everyone is dead silent. My victory song dies as I exit the crowd and stuff the murderer in the car. But as I do, his mother approaches angrily.
"He didn't do it, I murdered him so my husband wouldn't find out." she says nervously.
I hesitate again, before throat chopping her, and stuffing her in the back seat as well. Then I slam the door shut. I approach the driver's side door before I find myself surrounded by the crowd.
"Let it go!" Balding Men Crowd yells furiously.
I quickly stuff myself in my car, all while avoiding a massive amount of arms trying to pull me out and save these murderers! Fuck, this is tense. I slam the door on their arms to keep them away while with my other hand I start the car and drive off.
I'm breathing heavily, barely focused on driving back to the station while the mother and son bang on the window.
"It wasn't us, we were joking! It was his dad!" Random Mother yells angrily.
"Yeah, it was my dad." Teenage Boy says nervously.
"SHUT UP AND TELL IT TO THE JUDGE! I'M RETIRING AFTER THIS!" I yell furiously.
An hour later, they're behind bars. And I clock the fuck out.
A week later, their first case begins. The Teenage Boy is released to his father, while the Mother remains behind bars. It was confirmed through a confession she murdered her Bull so her cuck husband wouldn't find out. When this was revealed, the Father apparently got a dick extension that later caused erectile dysfunction. Truly tragic.
This Case was the worst case of my life. It was dealing with the side of humanity I hate the most: Lust. It must simply not exist in a murder case. It makes life so cringe. A child's word, but it applies. Cause dammit, why did I have to deal with cucks? I don't give a fuck about cucks normally. But now I'm one. About to go through a divorce too. Thankfully my kids are out of the house. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to drink and stare out the window. Staring at this fucking stupid city,
I look upon the city streets. They're pretty. But the people aren't. And if they are, right now they all look so fucking slutty. I even see an old woman selling her "goods" like they're rotten onions at a supermarket.
I close the blinds, and look at myself in the mirror. I'm a cuck now. God dammit, I'm a cuck. I drink more whiskey so I can stop giving a fuck. But I can't. The cuck-ening has come. I have been cuck-vultionized. Cuck-formed into a cuck. By the cock of another man.
God, my life sucks.