"Rent is due again…"
Daniel sighed, leaning back in his chair as he rummaged through his wallet. Of course, no matter how many times he poked around, there was no hidden pocket full of spare cash. Resignedly, he shoved the wallet back into his pocket.
Suddenly, something soft and white curled around his leg, purring softly. Daniel smiled weakly and reached to scratch the cat's chin.
"Hey, Kat. I don't suppose you have any spare cash laying around somewhere?"
Kat tilted her head innocently and blinked. Daniel could almost imagine her saying, If I had any money, I would've already paid you to change my name to something less generic. But instead, she just meowed and jumped up into his lap, her stumpy tail swishing restlessly.
"Whoa there!" Daniel picked her up and set her onto his nightstand instead. "Ten years old, and you're still so agile…" Unlike me, he added silently.
Two years ago, he moved over two thousand miles to Vancouver to attend university. Back then, his eyes were bright, his back pain was nonexistent, and he still had a full head of hair. He'd even secured a job in order to avoid being drowned in student debt. Yet in the blink of an eye, not only had he gained permanent eyebags, but pain in just about every joint in his body. At least he still had a full head of hair…
"Mrow~"
Another call from Kat prompted him to blink out of his stupor. The cat batted at his arm in what was presumably an attempt to gain more chin-scratches. Oh, the idyllic life of a cat… Daniel sighed as he submitted to Kat's pestering. "I wish I could live like you; a life of constant naps and food, blissfully unaware of the crumbling society that humanity has already doomed."
"Meow?" Kat raised her head, giving him a look that looked almost… scrutinizing. Intelligent, even. But Daniel brushed it aside.
"Yeah, yeah. I don't expect a cat to understand, anyway." Daniel sighed again. "Man, really do wish I were able to live like a cat."
"...nya!" With a strangely foreign cry, Kat jumped up from his desk and onto the windowsill, bumping her nose against the glass.
"Uh, what's wrong?" Daniel stood up and looked out the window in confusion. "Is there something there?"
"Mreow!" Kat scratched at the window lock, then looked up at Daniel expectantly. "Meow~"
"...was I hearing things, or were you meowing differently just now?" Man and cat exchanged a glance, the former's eyes filled with befuddlement. "Anyway, you can't jump out the window; this is the tenth floor. I know cats always land on their feet and all, but-"
Honk- Honk-
A distant truck horn cut his words short. Daniel scratched his head in annoyance. "Ugh, damn road ragers. Seriously, it's not that deep-"
HONK- HONK-
"...is it just me, or is that sound getting closer?" He gingerly opened the window, sticking his head out and surveying the streets below. "Weird, I can't see any trucks…"
"Meow~" Kat jumped up onto the windowsill and nuzzled up against him, pointing a paw towards the sky. "Nya!"
"Up? What's- HOLY FUCKING SHI-"
BOOM-
— Line break —
In a dimension higher than what the typical human can comprehend, there lounged a naked - yet godly - body. Perfect pectorals, bulging biceps, glorious glutes, and steel-solid sixteen-pack abdominals. A colossal being whose form had reached the pinnacle of humankind.
Yet he was not a human, for upon the neck of the deity was attached a head colored chalk-white, surrounded by eldritch tendrils of pulsating blue power. Two pointed cat ears twitched atop his head, and his eyes were two black dots that seemed to lead straight into the abyss, and his mouth curved in a perpetual :3.
And before this god, a man lay sprawled on the floor, shocked by the majesty of what was before him. To his side, a small cat sat on her haunches, quietly grooming herself.
Then, the god spoke.
"Yo, I'm Cat God."
The man didn't reply, still processing what had just happened to him. Cat God tilted his head before snapping his fingers.
"Oh, right. I forgot you humans were so mentally fragile. Give me a second…"
Waving his divine digits, Cat God's blessing shimmered onto the man's form, encasing him within a cocoon of pure divine energies. When he emerged, no longer was he trapped within the puny form of a human. Instead, his body was rounded, soft, and even smaller than a human. His once-black hair had turned into a pure white fur that now covered him entirely. His limbs were now smaller, yet stronger. A long, snaking tail now sprouted from his backside. He had become… a cat.
And his eyes were now small black beads, brimming with activity.
"NYAN? NYA??!!" (What the genuine fuck is going on right now? Why was there a truck falling from the sky??)
"Well, I can only reincarnate your soul if you die in a few very specific ways. The most common one is by a truck accident, so I sent the Attack Battalion Convoys to help expedite the process."
"Nya??" (What? Hold on, what is this about reincarnation, and why do you look like a character from a game that I played in high school??)
"Hey, good memory. That's right, I'm Cat God." Cat God smiled and reached out a hand towards the cat. "Nice to see you again."
"...nya?" (Nice to meet you too…?)
The cat tentatively reached out a stubby leg to touch Cat God's finger.
"Mmhmm. Anyway, I'm sure you're a little confused, so lemme explain everything real quick." Cat God pointed to the feline beside the former human. "General Nibbles over here prayed to me just now, sacrificing fifteen hundred cans of cat food so that you would have your wish fulfilled. Capiche?"
"...nya??" (Wait, Kat? Why is she here? Shit, you didn't hit her with the truck too, did you??)
"Ha, that's funny. 'Kat,' as you call her, is one of my oldest and greatest Supreme Generals of the Cat Army. Even I couldn't kill her with a single strike!" Cat God leaned back and roared with laughter. "You're a lucky guy, Daniel. Or maybe it was fate that you two met?"
"..." (Umm…)
Daniel shifted a little uncomfortably, almost tripping over himself in his new form.
"Well, anyway. I can totally reincarnate you as a cat, but it'll have to be in a different world." Cat God stroked his chin thoughtfully. "And hey, as a bonus for playing a part in the Cat Army all those years ago, I'll even throw in a few of my own personal blessings!"
"Nyah?" (Hold on, isn't this going a little quickly?)
"Mreow…" (Worry not, my former pet. I have great faith in your capabilities…)
Kat- no, General Kibbles, turned to Daniel, licking him affectionately on the forehead.
"Nya?" (Um, thank you- wait, what do you mean by "my former pet?")
"Yeah, I hate to cut this short, but General Kibbles is needed desperately on the frontlines of the Garden of Wilted Thoughts, and it's also getting close to my naptime, so if you don't mind…"
Without allowing him to speak another word, Cat God waved his arms, summoning a typhoon of dimensional energies to sweep up Daniel and carry him beyond the furthest reaches of the known universe.
"Meow…" (Thank you, Cat God. I will take my leave now.)
Bowing her head, General Kibbles' form disappeared from the void. All that remained was Cat God, rubbing his chin listlessly and peering off into the void-
Dude, seriously. I want to nap. Move on to the next chapter already.
…uh, shit. Well, ok then.