Chapter Two: The Gods Hit "Replay" (and Instantly Regret It)
It started with a rumble.
Not a normal rumble, like distant thunder or your upstairs neighbor dropping a bowling ball at 3 a.m. This was the kind of rumble that shook the metaphysical foundations of everything—including my toaster, which exploded into toast and sparks like it had been holding in its feelings for too long.
I was still finishing my burrito when the sky glitched.
Yes. Glitched.
It pixelated, rewound for a second, and then flickered like a busted VHS tape. Stars blinked in and out. The moon hiccupped. And then came the voice—deep, ancient, and unmistakably British for some reason.
"WHO HAS DEFIED THE SCRIPT?"
I looked up, still chewing. "…What?"
A second voice chimed in—this one more dramatic, like someone trying too hard in a high school theater production.
"The End was Declined. The Chosen Human—Designation: Snack Enthusiast—has broken the cycle."
There was a pause.
Then: "RUN THE END AGAIN. HARD RESET."
That's when the second apocalypse started.
One second, I was debating whether to microwave another burrito. The next, my walls exploded into golden fire, my sink turned into a black hole, and a squadron of flaming horsemen rode through my hallway, one of them holding what looked suspiciously like a kazoo of doom.
Now, let's pause here.
Normally, this would be the moment the protagonist dies. Or runs. Or dramatically discovers hidden powers mid-sprint while dodging lightning bolts and trying not to trip over existential dread.
But I did something else.
I yawned.
Just a long, lazy, "I've been through too much for this" yawn.
The flaming horsemen stopped. Mid-charge. One of their flaming horses reared, but only out of confusion.
Then… my phone dinged.
I glanced down.
[System Update Detected: Sleep-Based Apocalypse Detected in Background Mode.]
Processing missed End-of-World event…
Calculating skipped trauma, unresolved celestial violence, passive divine resistance…
Rewarding achievements.
Congratulations! You have defeated the Pantheon of Ending (by skipping it entirely).
New Title Unlocked: Unintentional Godslayer
New Perk: Sleep In The Face of Danger (Literally)
— While unconscious, you gain EXP from nearby cosmic threats.
— Yawning counts as a passive counterattack.
— Rolling over = AoE damage.
— Blanket Forts now have +300% defense.
"…What?"
The screen flickered again.
Reward Claimed:
— +999 Divine Skill Points
— 3x Apocalypse Medals
— One (1) Mythical Pajama Set: Eternal Comfort Edition
— Access to [Reality Kernel Debug Menu] unlocked
The world around me paused—not in a frozen way, but in a "the simulation just got nervous" way.
The sky dimmed like it realized it might've messed up. The flaming horsemen looked at each other, unsure whether they should keep attacking or ask for tech support.
Then my phone pinged again.
[Warning: Gods attempting reinitialization.]
Would you like to:
a) Counter
b) Ignore
c) Yawn Again
I pressed c). Because obviously.
The moment I did, the entire sky screamed like it had touched a hot stove.
The flaming horsemen imploded into glitter. The black hole sink burped once, then turned back into a regular sink (though it still dripped annoyingly). The kazoo of doom squeaked once, then vanished with an awkward cough.
I sat down. Calm. Confused. A little bloated. But very much alive.
Then came another ping.
[System Announcement: Due to unforeseen defiance, all gods have been retired. You are now acting Administrator of Reality.]
"…I'm what now?"
A notification bar popped up across the sky, like a cosmic PowerPoint.
Welcome, Administrator. Please choose your default settings for:
— Gravity
— Time
— Whether birds should still exist
— Apocalypse Recurrence (currently: disabled)
I didn't even get to finish adjusting the settings before Dave reappeared—sparkly suit, interdimensional clipboard, panicked expression.
"Okay, whoa whoa whoa—WHAT did you do?!"
"I yawned."
Dave looked around at the now-peaceful landscape, the softly glowing sky, and the faint sound of lo-fi music that had started playing from nowhere.
"You... you broke the second end of the world. You got god-level clearance while unconscious."
"Can I go back to my nap now?"
"No!" Dave shouted. "You're the only one left qualified to run existence! You have to maintain balance! Fight entropy! Keep reality from unraveling like an old sweater!"
I gave him a look. "Can I at least get another burrito first?"
Dave slumped. "Fine. But after that, you're in charge. You've got literal universe-shaping powers now."
I stood up, stretching. The ground rippled under my feet like the fabric of reality was getting comfy for me.
"Cool," I said. "I'll handle the universe."
And then I burped quietly.
The stars shimmered in approval.