Tsunade's intuition screamed that something was wrong with Jiraiya.
His casual agreement to Dan joining them the next day felt off, out of place.
"Are you really okay with that?"
She pressed, unable to hide the worry in her voice. Tsunade was bewildered by her own reaction.
Why did his normal, agreeable response unsettle her so deeply?
"Why not?"
Jiraiya replied, his tone as nonchalant as ever.
Despite his easygoing demeanor, Tsunade couldn't shake the feeling of loss, as if something precious was slipping through her fingers.
She searched Jiraiya's face for any sign of the inner turmoil she felt, but his expression remained unchanged.
His features were relaxed, his eyes held their usual warmth. Yet, Tsunade couldn't ignore the growing sensation of a chasm opening between them, a distance that had never been there before.
'Why do I feel like he's going to disappear?'
Tsunade wondered, grappling with the inexplicable emotions that had always accompanied Jiraiya's presence in her life.
These feelings, she was certain, weren't her own. They were too intense, too foreign.
This was why she had always maintained a certain distance from him, despite their longstanding friendship.
She feared getting too close, feared losing herself in emotions that weren't hers to bear. But now, as she looked at Jiraiya, she couldn't deny the ache in her heart, the fear of losing him.
"Jiraiya,"
She began, her voice barely above a whisper, "I..."
The words caught in her throat. How could she explain the storm of emotions raging within her?
How could she confess the fear that gripped her heart?
Jiraiya tilted his head, his gaze softening.
"What is it, Tsunade?"
She hesitated, her heart pounding.
"It's nothing,"
She finally said, forcing a smile.
"I'm just being silly."
But deep down, she knew it wasn't silly. It was real, and it terrified her.
Jiraiya shook his head and didn't pry.
"I am going out to train before dinner. Don't eat all my mom's food alright."
Tsunade usually stayed at his house inside the clan compound because she felt comfy here.
She also liked Sayoh's cooking very much.
Tsunade watched Jiraiya retreating back with an untold feeling. She really hated herself for not being honest.
She didn't know what these feelings came from but she knew her own feelings.
She didn't dislike him. He was a friend who shared good times and bad times with her.
"I hope what I am feeling right now is wrong…"
…
The ground beneath Jiraiya's feet cracked and split as his chakra surged outwards, the force of his jutsu leaving the training area in ruins.
Dust and debris swirled around him, a physical manifestation of his inner turmoil.
He had tried to bury his feelings, to lock them away and focus on his training, his mission, anything but the ache in his heart.
But it was a losing battle. The harder he tried to suppress his emotions, the more they clawed at him, demanding to be felt.
And the memories... The memories were the worst. Tsunade's laughter, her smile, the way she looked at him... the way she looked at Dan.
The love in her eyes, the tenderness in her touch... It was like a knife twisting in his gut.
"Damn it!"
Jiraiya roared, his voice echoing through the shattered landscape.
"Why can't I move on? Why does it still hurt so much?"
He punched the ground, his knuckles cracking against the unforgiving earth.
"Why did Dan have to appear again? Why couldn't I have had a chance?"
Despair washed over him, a wave of bitterness and self-loathing.
"Am I not good enough?"
He whispered, his voice barely audible above the wind.
"Am I destined to be alone?"
The thought was almost too much to bear. He had always been the carefree one, the joker, the one who never took anything too seriously.
But deep down, he longed for love, for companionship, for someone to share his life with.
And it seemed that was one thing he would never have.
He collapsed onto the unforgiving, broken ground, his body mirroring the shattered state of his heart.
A chilling emptiness seeped into his being, replacing the warmth of life with a numbing cold.
He recognized the pathetic nature of his response, the weakness it exposed, but the mere thought of reliving that agonizing experience sent a fresh wave of terror through him.
The memories were still too raw, the wounds too deep.
The pain of that being alone was a searing brand on his soul, a constant reminder of his folly.
The memory of that day, the sting of betrayal, the ache of loss, it all lingered like a phantom limb.
He had been so open, so trusting, so willing to give his heart completely.
And in return, he had been shattered, broken into a million pieces.
He had vowed, in the aftermath of that devastation, never to let himself be so exposed again.
Never to allow anyone to get close enough to hurt him that way.
He had closed himself off, built walls around his heart, impenetrable barriers to protect himself from the cruelty of the world.
"So I became a pervert…"
He muttered, the self-deprecating humor a thin veil over the pain that still throbbed beneath the surface.
He had immersed himself in pleasure, in fleeting moments of physical connection, anything to avoid the risk of emotional intimacy.
"So I became a spy master…"
He continued, his voice taking on a harder edge. He had become cold, calculating, manipulative.
He had learned to use people, to exploit their weaknesses, to keep them at a distance.
"So I became a sage…"
He finished, a hint of bitterness in his tone. He had retreated from the world, sought solace in knowledge and solitude.
He had become detached, emotionless, a mere observer.
He had never again allowed himself to be so vulnerable, so trusting.
He had never again experienced that agonizing pain.
But he had also never again experienced the joy, the warmth, the love that he had once known.
He had traded his heart for safety, and in the process, he had lost a part of himself.
He thought by regressing he would get them back but no. It was already too late.
...
Craze: 3/3 more chapters on www.p@treon.com/phelio