Not yet corpse
Still we rot
Unknown
Sleep eluded me.
For hours after my return to my bedroom, I just lay there, staring into the night, watching as darkness slowly gave way to light.
By the time dawn broke, I'd come to a decision.
I'd married the minister as an exchange to my family, and I was determined to see the whole thing through and not to end up like my mother.
I was going to fight for it if I had to, but by allah, I wasn't going to return to india with nothing to show for it.
Not after the minister and his son had already had their way with me.
I came there to be a wife to the minister, and a wife I was going to be.
Armed with my renewed determination, I rose to my feet, had a shower, and dressed up in my finest Salwar Kameez .
I took the time to tie my brown head tie to give me a regal, more mature look, one that gave me an air of authority, one that could help me better pass for Lady of the House.
Satisfied with my appearance, I set off for the dining room early enough to meet the minister having his breakfast.
I was determined to undo whatever havoc my dalliance with Ibrahim had caused.
"Aap" (آپ), assalamualaikum," I said, a smile on my face as I took a seat next to my husband. "Did you sleep well?"
He continued eating his toast, not taking his eyes off the newspaper in front of him. I inhaled deeply, trying to muster more courage even though I was afraid. This was going to be harder than I thought.
Madam Maria walked in at that moment, a kettle in her hand to refill Chief's coffee cup. "Do you want me to bring your breakfast here?"
I glared at her, still furious over her abandonment. How dare she speak to me like she hadn't left me when I'd needed her the most?
Aap" (آپ),m," I said, placing my hand over his, still trying to make small talk.
He pulled his hand away as if he'd been in contact with a leper. "Will you get out of here! Get out of my sight, and don't let me see you anywhere around me!"
I recoiled as if he'd struck me in the face. His reaction shouldn't have surprised me, considering what had transpired the night before, but it did.
And from her wide eyes and parted mouth, it surprised madam Maria as well.
Not wanting to cause a scene, I stood up, curtsied, and left the room, determined to find another opportunity to continue making amends, preferably without an audience next time.
I ignored madam Maria's sad eyes as I walked out, and kept my head held high as I made the walk of shame to my bedroom.
The minister's voice had been loud enough to carry far, and I knew most of the domestic staff would have heard his admonishment. But I was ready to swallow all the insults, if it meant getting back into the minister's good books eventually.
I was so deep in thought that I didn't hear Ibrahim walk up behind me as I entered my bedroom.
"What's the matter? Trouble in paradise?" he chuckled.
I turned around and had to restrain myself from landing a slap across his face.
"What do you want? Why did you follow me?" I demanded.
"If you have fallen out with the old man, that will be terrible for you and your family. You know that already, right? And you know what your dear abhu will do to you" he teased.
Suddenly emboldened, I glowered at him. "Well, whose fault is that? Everything that has happened is all because of you."
"You're so naïve, little zeynep," Ibrahim said, leaning on the doorframe, his arms crossed. "Did you really think my father brought you here to play happy families? Did you really think he brought you here to be any more than a doll he can put on display? My dear girl, do you really think the old man works in the office till 9, 10pm every day? Do you really believe he has been celibate since he brought you here? Do you think he loves you?" Then making air quotes with his fingers, "'Waiting for you'?"
I tried to maintain a steady gaze, even though his questions were hitting me like arrows, each one of them sounding less plausible than the one preceding it.
"How soon will it take you to realize you are not his cup of tea?" Ibrahim asked, his eyes boring into mine. "And how soon before you realize on what side your bread is truly buttered?"
Having heard enough, I rose to my feet. "I'd like to lock my door, so kindly step back."
Interpretation. Get the hell out of my room!
Ibrahim smiled. "Someone seems to have grown a pair of wings. It looks like it's those same wings that will fly you right back to your India slum," he straightened and stepped back. "I'm leaving for the UK anyway. I have to finalise the sale of my factory there. Unfortunately, that didn't quite work out."
I looked away, uninterested in whatever was his reason for leaving town, but very relieved nonetheless.
"I'll be back soon. Don't miss me too much."
When he left, I locked my door with so much force, I almost pulled the door knob off. But his words remained with me, their words have always remained.
I spent the rest of the day in my room, not even venturing out for my meals. After the morning's humiliation, I didn't want to have to face madam Maria and the other staff.
It was the classic fall from grace but in my case I was never at grass.
I had gone from being the cherished bride who, despite what Ibrahim said, had been the object of the minister's affection…to being someone whose sight he couldn't stand.
I was used to staying hungry for my meals, I was all the more determined to find out where I stood with the minister. If he wanted to send me away,then he might as well just go ahead with it.
It wasn't until 11 PM that I heard the minister's car drive up to the house. Deep in my heart, I knew what Ibrahim said was the truth .
Could he really have been at the office till such a time of night? Brushing the thoughts aside, I adjusted my clothing, rubbed a slick of Vaseline across my lips, and then dashed downstairs, to receive him at the door.
"Welcome, my husband," I greeted, making to carry his briefcase. "How was work today?"
"Are you hard of hearing?" he bellowed, his eyes spitting fire."मैंने जो कहा कि 'मैं तुम्हें अपने आस-पास नहीं देखना चाहता,' उसमें कौन सी बात तुम्हें समझ नहीं आई? "What part of 'I don't want to see you around me' don't you understand?"
"If you don't want to see me around you, then send me back home," I said, finally sick and tired of the whole thing. "If the sight of me irritates you so much, then send me away back to my father"
The minister glowered at me. "Who are you talking to like that? Dirty prostitute. Do I look like your age mate? If I didn't stoop into the gutter to fraternize with your ilk, where would you see me to run your mouth? Asking me to send you back home. My dear, don't tempt me!"
"I'm sorry, sir," I said, my head lowered. I didn't have to be a soothsayer to know things had irrevocably changed between us.
"From this day forward, I don't want to even see your face. Have your meals in your quarters and remain there until you are needed. Only when I have guests or I need you to accompany me out do I want to set my eyes on you. Is that understood?" he bellowed.
I nodded and curtsied again, my head still lowered. "Yes, Sir."
He muttered under his breath as he ascended the stairs. I stood there until he disappeared from my line of sight, and I felt both angry and frustrated. I couldn't understand why I was the only one bearing the brunt of his anger, while Ibrahim was still being allowed to live his life as normal, he raped me, he took my innocence.
I also couldn't understand why I hadn't gotten a stronger punishment for my perceived affair with Yusuf. Why was the minister still keeping me around, when he was clearly furious about Ibrahim beating him to my virginity? Was he simply biding his time, delaying the inevitable?
I managed to sleep this time, but it was a fitful one, with me tossing and turning constantly, wondering what lay ahead for me, wondering if my days in the house were numbered, wondering how soon it would be before the plug would be pulled on Orion's academics.
He appeared at the door past midnight and was holding a bunch of rattan canes, slim, long sticks bound together at each end with black rope.
My heart lurched painfully in her chest.
"papa" I said, standing up.
He set the canes by the door, pointed to the bed and said, 'Lie flat on the bed,' his voice barely above a whisper.
'You are just like your mother who brought a pregnancy from nowhere into my house and opens her legs, you are a whore"
"And you went and did the same thing? And became a prostitute so you have no fear in your eyes? I knew you were a hoe just like her"
I looked at the canes and searched his face as if trying to find a sign in his eyes, or the crumple of his forehead, that would tell her that this was all a mistake, that I wasn't back at his house"
"Papa, you would n't hit me again, the minister will not like it" i said, my voice choking with the beginnings of cries.
"Lie on the bed!" he shouted, his voice so loud it caused me to jump.
I climbed into bed and flattened her stomach against the soft mattress, my head turned to the side, so I could see everything he did. This was not happening, I told herself. This was all a bad dream i would soon wake up from. Outside my window, the world was so dark, so still.
He grabbed a cane, a long thing that was as thick as her thumb.
"I am very sorry, Papa. I will never do it again."
"I have been mercyful with you for too long, spare the rod and you'd spoil the child now I see"
"'Papa, Please."
"It was a mistake, Papa."
He lifted his hand, the cane reaching for the ceiling, before he brought it down with so much might that it zipped through the air, before landing on me, the force lifting my skirt. I was numbed by the shock, her knees suddenly soft. And then I screamed. A hoarse cry that tore through the night, ringing throughout the building.
'"shut your mouth!"
"Please papa!"
The cane landed again with the same force, carrying the same zipping sound.
I wanted to jump off the bed, and scream .
He shoved me back on the bed, yelling threats.
My skin broke. Cries surged up her throat.
I quickly woke up with sweat all over my face and with tears pooling in my eyes, it was all a dream, mama please help me.
I didn't bother going down the next morning to greet him, nor did I have the courage to leave my room.
My stomach rumbled with hunger but I suppressed it.
At that point, all I could do was plan my apology speech to my father, explaining to her why our benefactor had turned his back on us.
But I know how it will end, I realized I had been fighting a battle I was never meant to win.