It's like we've already broken up… but we haven't. Even now, texting her is different. I think she might want to salvage things, but I don't. I'm resolute now. I'm ending it, whenever we have a chance to truly sit down and discuss things. I'm not sure what I'm going to say yet, what excuses I'm going to give her so as not to hurt her feelings, or make her think I'm abandoning her, but I know it will still be hard on both of us.
My greatest worry is that I won't cry. I'll walk away and be happier than I've been all week. I worry that I might even smile as I leave, and that's not okay, is it… I still love her, but I'm not sure I'm in love anymore. I'm just watching the clock count down on our time together. I think I'm going to feel a weight lift off. She asked me if I might want to get lunch on Saturday, so I think that'll be a good time. It's a weekend, she doesn't have much to worry about, and I can take a moment to tell her how I feel. Not everything, that might crush her, but tell her enough that I don't want to be in a relationship with her.
\What will I say? I'll have to be careful, to craft things the right way so as not to give her any hope of reconciliation, but also nothing too heavy that she thinks it's all her fault. What I've written before this seems like it is her fault, and maybe it is, but my resolution about all of it has given me some peace of mind. It'll be over, and I'll be free of her in that way.
I hope she doesn't cry. If I don't and she does, I think that'll make her feel even worse. I've fallen out of love, and that still hasn't changed, and my unwavering feelings about that have not "cleared up" so to speak, but it'll be okay. We'll be okay… I think. Sure, it might be awkward for a while, and our friends will be a little weird and pry into it, but the only person I'll truly tell is Em, and maybe my sisters. Writing everything down has made it make more sense and it seems the most comprehensible way to get through it all. I hope she doesn't hate me, but if she did, I wouldn't blame her. I think she still sees hope and I don't see any at all.