I want to cry uncontrollably, like someone who has lost their entire family at the hands of a tyrant, like someone who has seen their beloved family be decapitated mercilessly right in front of their eyes, but the tears don't come, they don't roll down my cheeks. I remember the moment when Irene told me she loved me. Why the hell didn't I say the same to her, if that was what I felt, if that was what echoed in my chest? Damn, I was a huge idiot for not doing it. God damn it, I loved her and never said it.
"No, I'm not going to help you with that," Agnes says.
She, once again, it goes without saying, knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I want to happen next. Now that Irene is dead, I just want to know if she's going to return to this world, to be reborn in another human body, or if she'll be condemned for all eternity to Hell. If she comes back to the world, of course, a ray of hope will soften the pain. On the other hand, if she goes to Hell, it would shatter me even more because the loss would be irreversible. Now, I need an answer. I need to know where she's going, or rather, where she is right now.
I say:
"Please, Agnes, help me. If you don't want to find out yourself, tell me how I can find out. Now I'm just like you. I can use my powers too, can't I?"
Agnes bursts into laughter as if she had heard the funniest joke ever (A joke that might be this: "If you're a good boy or girl, you'll go to heaven"). I feel like an idiot watching her laugh at me, and I can't hold back the rage. I can't stop the anger from turning into a violent attack. I charge toward Agnes with every intention of strangling her until her eyes pop out of their sockets. But I can't. To Agnes, I'm nothing but a worm. She stops me effortlessly. I'm paralyzed from the neck down. Agnes stops laughing for a moment and looks at me intently for a few seconds before bursting into laughter again, this time in a completely histrionic manner, like a deranged, frantic woman in a madhouse where only the most dangerous people are locked up. In conclusion, I am in her hands. Agnes can do whatever she wants with me.
When her laughter finally dies down, Agnes releases a sigh that reflects a sublime, almost angelic peace. It's amazing how easily she can play with emotions. She could go from a macabre expression to a celestial one in the blink of an eye.
"Why weren't you honest?" she asks. "Why didn't you tell me you loved her?"
"I didn't know yet."
"Of course you knew. You can't hide anything from me."
"In any case, I didn't want to accept it. I've always thought love is nonsense for weak, half-retarded people."
"It's not nonsense if you love the right person."
"I don't know anything about that. Damn it, Agnes, what the hell do you want from me? All I know is I loved her. I didn't want to love her. I didn't want to accept that I loved her. I've never wanted to love anyone. But it happened, and it was wonderful. The best thing that ever happened to me in a life filled with shit moments. Nené was like me. We were the same."
"You weren't the same. She was a rich girl who grew up in a mansion with gardens, and you were a poor, pathetic whore who had sex with disgusting beings for a few nasty, semen-stained bills."
"That's all in the past. Nené and I were building a future together. We were happy. We had fun doing what we did."
"A future together! Don't talk nonsense. You were just killing people together, nothing more. That wasn't going to last forever. I get that you loved her, I understand your human feelings, but you better forget them. They won't serve you now. You'll have to do the same thing you did with your days in prostitution: leave all that in the past. Irene is the past. Incinerate her memory, throw the putrid ashes to the wind, and behave like a vampire worthy of the title."
"Let me move again. I won't do anything."
"Of course you won't. You can't. You're like a baby. To me, you're weaker than a feather. I could crush you without blinking."
Agnes allows me to move my body again. Defeated and dejected, I sit on the couch. I look at Irene's body lying on the floor. Again, I want to cry, I try to cry no matter what, but the tears don't come. Agnes says:
"Stop trying. Tears no longer exist for you, Fabrizio. Vampires don't cry."
"No tears?"
"Never again, my love."
"Tell me what else I need to know."
"What you need to know, you'll learn in due time."
"Tell me the truth. Why did you kill Irene?"
"She was a hindrance. She wasn't going to be of any use to us."
"I should have decided that. You told me I'd be able to decide my own matters."
"I lied. I deceived you. I mocked your hopes and your stupid feelings. I didn't have to do it, because this would've happened anyway. There was no way you were going to save her, let alone turn her into a vampire. That wasn't going to happen not even in your most optimistic dreams. I would never have allowed it. But well, I thought it would be fun for you to believe you had a choice, that you weren't under my absolute control."
"What do you mean I'm under your absolute control?"
"There are rules. I created you, and now you're mine."
"I thought you loved me."
"I do love you, my precious boy. Seriously, I love you. But just so we understand each other, I love you the way vampires love. In a pretty sick, manipulative, and possessive way, as humans would say, in a toxic way. And look, in this relationship we're going to have, of course, it couldn't be any other way because I'm the powerful one, and you're a newborn vampire, I will be the dominant one. Isn't that beautiful, my love? Together forever."