I ducked. WHAM! A pillar exploded behind me. I turned my head slowly to look at it.
It was dust. ACTUAL. DUST.
"…Oh," I muttered. Then a foot slammed into my stomach.
Step Two: Suffer
I soared across the hall, crashed into a wall, and fell face-first onto the floor. The world spu around me, and my ribs screamed.
Everything hurt. WHY DID EVERYTHING HURT?!
Elder Zhao stalked toward me, cracking his neck. "I see you aren't so tough after all."
I wheezed. "That's because… you're built like a damn mountain." He grabbed me by my collar and lifted me off the ground.
I stared into his murderous eyes and realized....
Step Three: Talk My Way Out of This
"Hey, uh, Elder Zhao, my deepest apologies for, uh… breaking your nose last time." His grip tightened.
"Actually, now that I think about it, your nose is still crooked. Maybe I should fix it..." He threw me across the hall.
I crashed through a table, groaned in pain, and decided talking wasn't going to work.
Step Four: Fight Back, You Idiot!
I forced myself up, spitting out a chunk of broken wood. "Alright, you big bastard… if I die, I'm haunting you in the afterlife."
I focused. I had no spiritual energy. No divine strength. But I still had technique.
I took a stance, inhaling deeply. Elder Zhao charged. I dodged left...then twisted, using his own momentum against him.
His eyes widened as I grabbed his arm, pivoted, and flung him over my shoulder.
The ground shook as he hit the floor. Then, a deep silence.
Sect Leader Mo Tian raised an eyebrow. "Interesting." Elder Zhao groaned, pushing himself up. He looked murderous.
"…That was an accident," I lied.
Step Five: RUN!
I bolted for the door. I dashed out of the hall like a bat out of hell. Elder Zhao's roar of rage shook the entire sect.
"COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE SH...!"
"No thanks!" I shouted over my shoulder. BOOM! A wave of energy exploded behind me. The force alone sent me flying forward like a ragdoll. I flailed mid-air, landed headfirst into a bush, and somersaulted onto the stone path.…Right at the feet of a group of sect disciples.
They stared at me, and I stared back at them.
"Senior Brother Long?" one of them asked, tilting his head.
I dusted myself off like I totally meant to do that. "Yes, that's me. The one and only. Just, uh… practicing my new movement technique."
"That was… a movement technique?"
"Yes. It's called 'The Graceful Cow Tumbles Down a Mountain.' Very advanced. You wouldn't understand."
BOOM! The sect trembled again. A shadow loomed over me. I turned slowly.
Elder Zhao stood there, seething. His fists cracked with spiritual energy. His face was a hundred shades of murder.
I smiled weakly. "Now, Elder Zhao, let's be reasonable here..." He kicked me in the face.
Step One: Accept My Fate
I crashed into a tree. The world spun, and i groaned, my face buried in dirt.
Elder Zhao marched toward me. "You think you're clever, boy?"
"Yes," I muttered.
"Well, you're not!"
"Oh." He grabbed me by the collar again, and hoisted me up like a sack of rice.
"You humiliated me in front of the Sect Senior Elder !" he snarled.
"I mean, technically, you humiliated yourself by losing to a guy with zero spiritual energy...." Screw my mouth..!. He threw me...
Step Two: Fly Unwillingly Through the Air
I soared over a pond, crashed through a training dummy, and then landed on my back, staring at the sky.
I lay there. Unmoving. Contemplating life choices.
"Maybe I should've stayed dead," I whispered. A head popped into my vision. A young girl with crimson eyes and raven-black hair.
"Oh," she said, blinking. "It's you."
I squinted. "Do I… know you?"
She tilted her head. "Not yet. But I think I'll like you."
"...That sounds concerning." Before I could ask who she was, Elder Zhao charged toward me again.
I groaned. "Oh, come on, man—give me a break!"
Step Three: Dodge Like My Life Depends on It
Because it did. Elder Zhao charged toward me, his fist glowing with spiritual energy. I had exactly half a second to react. So, I rolled. BOOM! The ground where I had been exploded into dust.
I stumbled to my feet, coughing. "Whoa there, Elder Zhao, don't you think this is a bit excessive?"
"You publicly humiliated me!" he snarled.
"Yeah, but technically, that's your fault..." why can't I just shut up...!
BOOM! A blast of energy whooshed past my face. My hair stood on end. I yelped and sprinted for my life.
Step Four: Run and Hope for a Miracle
I weaved through the sect like a rat escaping a flood. Disciples gawked as I zoomed past.
One of them called out, "Senior Brother Long, are you..."
"NOT NOW!" I shouted. Behind me, Elder Zhao was catching up.
I dodged a flying teapot, narrowly avoided tripping over a chicken, and leaped over a startled sect disciple holding a tray of dumplings.
Then....WHAM! I collided into someone. Hard.
I bounced off like a rubber ball, and landed flat on my back. Groaning, I blinked up at my new problem.
It was a woman. A very dangerous-looking woman. Tall. Dressed in black robes with red embroidery. Crimson eyes locked onto mine, flashing with amusement.
The same girl from before. I gulped.
She smirked. "You really are in trouble."
I forced a smile. "Oh, no. This? This is just my daily workout."
She crouched down beside me. "Mm-hmm."
Behind me, Elder Zhao's roar of rage shook the sect.
"Oh, you are so dead," she mused.
I sighed. "Yeah. I know."
Step Five: Accept My Fate, Again
Elder Zhao landed in front of me, nostrils flaring.
"Long Fei Jian!" he thundered.
I sat up. "That's me." He cracked his knuckles.
I sighed. "This is gonna hurt, isn't it?"
The girl beside me grinned. "Oh, definitely."
Elder Zhao swung his fist. And that's when she grabbed me by the collar… and yanked me out of the way.
WHAM! Elder Zhao's punch slammed into the ground, leaving a crater.
I blinked. "Huh."
The girl smirked. "Come on. Let's run."
She dragged me to my feet, and bolted.
I barely had time to react before we were racing through the sect, side by side.
Behind us, Elder Zhao's angry bellow echoed through the mountains.
"COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE...!!!"
I glanced at my new accomplice. "I don't even know your name."
She grinned. "I'm Yue."
I raised a brow. "And why are you helping me, Yue?"
Her crimson eyes gleamed. "Because you look like fun."
Congratulations, You Have Acquired a Menace