Henry woke up face-down in the dirt.
Again.
At this point, his relationship with gravity was more intimate than any of the women around him. His nose was still slightly crooked from Seraphina's "gentle" tackle last night, and somewhere in his pocket, her bra had fused to his soul.
He rolled over, groaning. "Ow. My dignity."
"Didn't know you had any," said Moistessa, casually floating above him in a bubble of lubricant. "You sleep cute, by the way. Like a rejected puppy."
Henry covered his face. "Please. I can't handle another cosmic-roasted morning."
But the universe wasn't done with him.
Seraphina stood near the war-banana's remains, hands on hips, wearing what could only be described as the most evil pair of yoga pants ever created. Black. Tight. Laced. And with a waistband that read "Property of No One (Except Maybe Henry Sometimes)."
She caught him staring.
He looked away like a guilty schoolboy caught peeking at cleavage on the classroom poster of the female reproductive system.
She walked over, each step like a final boss approaching.
"You," she said.
"Me?" Henry squeaked.
"You owe me."
"Is it emotional damages again? Because I'm still paying off last week's 'horny tax.'"
"No. This time... it's physical."
Henry blinked. "Physical as in fight club? Or physical as in touchy-wouchy?"
She smirked. "Follow me."
---
Ten Minutes Later...
Henry found himself inside a glowing, silk-covered tent that smelled like lavender and sin. Candles floated in mid-air. A table stood in the center, with towels stacked beside it. There were oils, feathers, and suspiciously pink massage instruments humming softly.
Seraphina cracked her knuckles. "Welcome to your punishment."
Henry blinked. "This looks like a spa."
She grinned. "It is. And you're going to give me... a royal massage."
His brain short-circuited. "Wait. What? You want me to oil you up?"
She nodded. "Every inch. With these." She tossed him a bottle of something labeled Succubutt Oil™ – Now With Extra Slippery Shame!
Henry caught it like it was the Holy Grail. "This feels illegal."
"It is," she said sweetly. "Which is why you'll do it perfectly, or Moistessa will record it for blackmail purposes."
Moistessa popped out of nowhere holding a camcorder. "Say cheese, Daddy."
Henry turned red. "This is extortion!"
Seraphina climbed onto the massage table and dropped the towel.
He died inside.
There she was. Lying face down. Ass up. Smooth back. Bare shoulders. Curves that defied physics and common sense. She looked back and smirked.
"Oil me, peasant."
Henry's soul ascended.
---
Step 1: Back Attack
Henry poured the oil into his hands and rubbed them together like he was about to commit a sin.
The moment he touched her back, she shivered.
His hands moved slowly, respectfully. He followed the spine, the curves, the tension in her shoulders. Her muscles were tight, but not just from stress—there was something else.
"You're... tense," he whispered.
"Wonder why," she muttered. "Couldn't be the pervert who sniffed my panties and then kept them in his pocket for six hours."
"Those were six sacred hours," Henry replied.
She snorted.
Moistessa whispered behind the camera. "This is the greatest porno that never happened."
---
Step 2: Forbidden Thighs
"Lower," Seraphina ordered.
Henry's hands trembled. "L-Lower?"
She nodded. "My thighs are sore."
His whole body was sore. With lust. But he obeyed.
He poured more oil. It dripped down her thighs like sinful honey.
He touched them.
He died again.
They were soft but firm. Warm. And dangerously smooth.
Henry massaged with the concentration of a monk trying not to nut during yoga class.
"Harder," she groaned.
"I—I'm trying."
"Put your back into it."
"If I put my back into this, I'm going to put something else into something else!"
Her thighs suddenly squeezed around his hand like a Venus flytrap catching a dumbass.
He gasped. "I can't move. I'm trapped."
She smirked into the table. "Good."
Moistessa was sobbing. "This is beautiful. It's like horny Titanic."
---
Step 3: Boob Detour (aka The Chest Quest)
Seraphina rolled over.
Henry nearly passed out.
Her chest was glistening with oil, rising and falling with every breath. Her eyes met his, calm but teasing.
"Don't mess this up," she whispered.
Henry nodded. "I will treat these with the respect of a thousand monks."
He touched one.
It jiggled.
He made a noise. "Nnnngh."
Then he touched the other.
It jiggled again.
He almost cried. "They're sentient."
"Focus, idiot."
He started massaging. Soft, slow circles. His thumbs were blessed. Her skin was heaven. She made a soft sound.
He nearly combusted.
Then Seraphina whispered, "You're not bad at this."
He smiled. "Years of training. On myself."
She raised an eyebrow. "I don't wanna know."
---
Sudden Chaos: Boobocalypse Now
Just as things were heating up, a sudden wind blew open the tent flap.
Thrustina charged in holding a wrench with googly eyes glued on.
"THE VIBRATOR CANNON IS READY—oh my god are you two BOINKING?!"
Henry, mid-boob, screamed.
Seraphina covered herself with a towel, threw a bottle of oil like a ninja star, and knocked the wrench out of Thrustina's hand.
Moistessa cheered. "10/10 oil bottle throw."
Thrustina looked betrayed. "I THOUGHT WE WERE A TEAM!"
Henry hid behind a towel rack. "This isn't what it looks like!"
Seraphina stood tall, hair wild, chest glistening, eyes blazing. "Get out or I'll shove that wrench so far up your—"
"OKAY OKAY I'M GONE!" Thrustina ran.
Moistessa filmed the whole thing.
---
After the Chaos
Henry sat beside Seraphina on the table, both wrapped in towels, red-faced, hearts pounding.
"That was... intense," he muttered.
She nodded. "You have soft hands."
"You have... squishy blessings."
She smacked his arm. "Shut up."
But then—she leaned against him. Rested her head on his shoulder.
Quiet.
Comfortable.
Warm.
"I like this version of you," she whispered.
"The massage therapist version?"
"No. The idiot who cares."
He smiled.
Then she added, "But also the pervy idiot. That's fun too."
He turned red.
She kissed his cheek. "Just don't sniff my bra again."
He paused.
She narrowed her eyes. "Henry?"
He pulled something from his pocket.
It was... her bra.
She blinked.
"...When did you even—"
Henry bolted.
Seraphina chased him with a towel.
"I SWEAR TO THE GODDESS I'LL CASTRATE YOU!"
Henry screamed, half-laughing, half-horrified. "WORTH IT!"
And in the distance, the war-banana powered up again, vibrating violently.
Moistessa sighed, floating above them. "God, I love this stupid, horny crew."