Kazuki had exactly three functioning brain cells left, and all of them were screaming.
The hydra—the massive, six-headed, man-eating, god-killing hydra—was sitting. Obediently. In front of him.
It obeyed me, Kazuki thought. Oh no. Oh no no no.
He blinked. Once. Twice. Very slowly. Like a broken computer trying to reboot after a power surge.
"I…" His mouth opened. No words came out. He tried again. "I… was joking. That wasn't supposed to work."
Lillian didn't respond. She was too busy doing her own impression of a stunned fish.
Then she turned her wide eyes toward him. "Holy One?"
"Don't say it like that," Kazuki begged.
But it was too late. The damage had begun.
A frail old man, who looked like a light breeze could knock him over, dropped to his knees. "The prophecy was true…"
"No. Nope. Let's not do this," Kazuki said, backing away slowly. "Let's really not."
Kazuki's brain screamed internally: Not the prophecy card. Anything but the prophecy card.
He glanced at Lillian, who looked like she wanted to crawl into the earth and die from secondhand embarrassment.
Another villager knelt. Then another. Then—like a contagious virus of blind devotion—the entire village dropped to the ground, heads bowed in reverence.
"The stars foretold of this day," someone whispered dramatically.
Someone else produced a moldy scroll and held it up. "It is written!"
Kazuki clutched his hair. "I DIDN'T EVEN READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THE SYSTEM!"
Lillian sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "This is getting out of hand."
"Out of hand?!" Kazuki whisper-shrieked. "I told a giant murder-lizard to sit, and now I'm a god?!"
She shrugged, dry as sand. "Welcome to divinity."
He wanted to cry. Or explode. Or both.
Elder Rowan lifted his head with reverence. "Oh Great Holy One… What shall we do with the sacred beast?"
Kazuki's stomach lurched. "Uhh…"
His brain scrambled like eggs. The correct answer was: "Make it leave and pretend this never happened." But he had a terrible suspicion that would cause the villagers to riot, or worse, pray harder.
He took a slow breath, squared his shoulders, and with all the fake confidence of a man drowning in existential dread, declared:
"Uh… don't anger it?"
The villagers gasped in awe. One clutched his chest. "The wisdom of the Holy One knows no bounds…"
Kazuki turned to Lillian with a hollow look. "They think I'm smart."
"They think you're the chosen one," she replied, already halfway done emotionally checking out of the situation. "Which is worse."
This was going to be a problem.
The immediate problem, however, was that the hydra wasn't moving.
It just… stayed there. Watching.
Kazuki shifted a step to the left.
Six heads turned with him. Like a nightmare version of synchronized dancers.
He stepped right. They followed.
He turned in a circle. The hydra mirrored him like it was playing tag.
"Okay. Okay. This is fine. Everything is fine," Kazuki lied out loud.
"Maybe it likes you," Lillian offered, deadpan.
"That is NOT comforting," he hissed.
One of the villagers clapped their hands together with sparkly anime eyes. "Oh Holy One, will you make the sacred beast our guardian?"
Kazuki choked. "WHAT?!"
"Surely, this is divine fate!" another chimed in. "You have tamed the beast! With your holy power, you have made it our protector!"
"I did not tame it!" Kazuki cried. "I gave it one command! That doesn't count!"
They ignored him.
A middle-aged woman rushed up and shoved something into his hands—a slightly lopsided flower crown, petals already wilting. "A humble gift, Great One!"
Another dropped a bundle of cloth-wrapped food at his feet. "A feast, in your honor!"
"I don't—" Kazuki tried, but more and more came.
Handmade trinkets. Carved wooden staffs. A knitted sock. A literal chicken. The chicken bit him.
A small child tugged his sleeve, eyes wide with awe. "Holy One, will you teach us the ways of taming monsters?"
"THERE ARE NO WAYS!" Kazuki shrieked. "THIS WAS A FLUKE! A GLITCH IN THE UNIVERSE!"
"Truly, the teachings begin with humility," Elder Rowan said, nodding solemnly.
Kazuki's eye twitched.
"Okay, okay, enough!" He clapped his hands and turned to the hydra. "Listen, buddy. You did great. Love the enthusiasm. But now you can go home. Back to the forest. Shoo. Scram."
The hydra blinked.
Did not move.
"Go," Kazuki said again, pointing. "Leave. Walk away."
The hydra blinked again. One of its heads yawned.
He waved his arms. "Shoo!"
The hydra tilted its heads, like a pack of oversized, scaly puppies.
"Oh my god," he muttered. "It's broken."
Lillian smirked. "Maybe it likes the attention."
"I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE A HYDRA'S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT HUMAN."
In a last-ditch effort, Kazuki took off running.
The hydra followed.
"IT'S FOLLOWING ME!"
The villagers watched, enraptured. "Behold! The sacred beast follows its master!"
"IT'S NOT FOLLOWING, IT'S STALKING ME!"
"A bond like no other!"
"I hate all of you!"
He zigzagged through the village. The hydra zigged and zagged too—gracefully. Like it trained for this. One head even licked him.
"WHY IS IT LICKING ME?!"
"It's affection!" someone shouted. "You've been claimed!"
"I AM NOT READY TO BE CLAIMED!"
Eventually, Kazuki tripped over his own feet and collapsed in the dirt, chest heaving, soul escaping.
Somehow, he survived without being eaten, sacrificed, or declared emperor. That was the good news.
The bad news came later.
That night, Kazuki collapsed onto his bed, face-first into a pillow, muttering to himself.
"Tomorrow, I'll fix this. I'll make them understand. I'll—"
Huff.
Kazuki froze.
That was not his own breathing.
Slowly, dreading everything, he turned his head toward the window.
Outside. Illuminated by the moonlight…
…was the hydra.
Curled up like a massive cat.
Right next to his house.
Staring.
All six heads.
Kazuki's soul quietly exited his body and went to find a new host.
"I have made a terrible mistake."