The room was large, its walls messily painted with a swirl of red and gold. A single king-sized bed lay in the corner of the room; its dark curtains drawn tightly closed, obscuring the interior from view.
Harry's gaze wandered around the large open space, noting the array of items that were strewn across the fluffy red carpet. Most looked to be children's toys, while few others were more unrecognisable; likely being wizard-made products of some sort.
'No…' Harry moaned, staring around at the mess anxiously.
The boy moved forward slowly before reaching out a tentative hand, intending to grasp a hold of the darkly-coloured drapes that encircled the bed.
My brother's fingers twitched jauntily a hair's breadth away from the fabric. He couldn't bring himself to move them any closer.
"Mum?" Harry whispered, curling his fingers into a tight fist and dropping his hand back to his side.
No answer.
"Mum?" He croaked, this time much louder.
A shuffling noise emanated from beyond the curtains, its source slowly moving toward them across the mattress that I knew to be concealed beyond.
Harry's breath hitched as a pale hand extended from within, slowly reaching out for his own.
He stared through the crack in the curtains, into the lightless shadows ahead, gazing forward into a pair of emerald green eyes. They were oddly clouded; their deep brilliant green bleeding out across the whites of her eyes in an odd murky haze.
Hot tears stung at my brother's eyes. He took the hand gently, moving forward until he stood just outside of the dark velvet drapes.
The foreign hand let go of his own, before slowly tracing upwards and landing on his glistening cheek.
"J-James?" The woman uttered, her soft voice cracking with emotion.
Harry blinked, tears streaming down his face.
She didn't recognise him, and he knew it. There was no sense of clarity contained within those foggy, swirling eyes; only an unnatural haze of confused relief.
The woman suddenly leapt forward, wrapping her arms around the boy and tackling him to the ground.
Harry gasped in pain as the full weight of the woman's body landed atop his own.
Despite his discomfort, he made no effort to free himself. Harry didn't want to be free.
My brother lost himself in her long raggedy, uncombed hair; accidentally taking in a mouthful of the fiery red strands that now shrouded his vision.
He spat them out weakly, still struggling to breathe.
"James!" She cried loudly, tears spilling down onto my brother's shoulder. "I'm sorry," She sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"
The woman hugged him tightly, clumsily crushing him beneath her weight.
Harry wrapped his arms around his mother and buried her in a hug of his own. Small as he was, he managed to roll her over, leaving the two of them to lie there in each other's arms.
She cried loudly while muttering nonsensical apologies, bawling her eyes out right there on the red carpet, clutching at the boy who was willingly trapped within her arms.
My brother cried silently, closing his eyes and losing himself in her strong embrace.
I stayed silent.
The haunting feeling of exclusion I was so accustomed to was returning to me.
It was awkward. I didn't feel like I had a right to be watching this.
Both mother and son just lay there on the floor, crying their hearts out into each other.
'She's so fragile, Art, I can't.' Harry whispered to me, trying to steel himself. 'I shouldn't cry in front of her. Not when she's like this. It's not right.'
I didn't answer him.
"You don't have to be sorry," Harry choked out, pushing Lily's hair to one side gently, trying to contain the tremors wracking his body. "It's alright now, everything is okay."
"But I- I couldn't protect our boys." The woman said, her voice thick with grief. "They- I… Right in front of me…" She trailed off, squeezing Harry even tighter than before.
Harry froze in place - A fact that Lily noticed immediately. She cried even harder.
『 What? 』I thought, my confusion also turning frigid.『 Did she say 'boys' - as in, plural? 』
Was I being too paranoid?
Harry recovered quickly, placing his hands on her cheeks and leaning forward to rest his forehead onto her own. "I forgive you," He whispered firmly, an edge of certainty bleeding into his tone.
Lily sniffled, looking as if she wanted to argue, but gave up after seeing my brother's resolute expression.
"I forgive you." He repeated, louder this time; leaving the woman to start crying with what I supposed was an overwhelming relief, gently burying her face into Harry's neck.
It wasn't a surprise to me that my brother knew how to handle his mother's unstable, childlike grief; despite being so young.
Harry stroked her hair gently while murmuring words of comfort into her ears, giving the woman a few minutes to recover from her ordeal.
Being normally quiet and bookish, coupled with the Matron's soft spot for him; Harry had often found himself being put in charge of the younger kids, much to his annoyance.
Defusing their many arguments and consoling the losers quickly became second nature to him.
As it stood, Lily was not in her right state of mind right now. The children's toys scattered across the room showcased this. Right now she didn't seem any different from the little four-year-old Ella back at the orphanage - At least on an emotional level.
Harry, being the observant and quick-witted boy I had all but raised; noticed this fact near immediately.
My brother let go of Lily and began to sit up. She let him leave, albeit very reluctantly; finally allowing me a good, unobstructed look at what my newest mother had become.
Lily was a shattered beauty - There was no better way to describe her. The natural charms she had once had diminished under the years of isolation she had suffered away from the outside world.
I idly wondered if that had been the best course of action for her treatment - If they had even tried at all. Surely there was a better way to deal with this?
The woman's confident demeanour had all but disappeared, and the happy sparkle that had always been present within her eyes had faded away into a hollow emptiness, leaving her as nothing more than an empty shell of her former self.
I felt pity as I looked upon her.
Harry felt despair.
But both of us hid how we felt; him from his mother, and I from the both of them.
"I c-can't forgive myself." She moaned. "I couldn't… Even after all this time, I-I still have the gift I got for them. Whenever I look at it I c-can't get them out of my head. I could've done more. Should've done more. It's- all my fault."
"Gift?" Harry asked, slightly taken aback. "What gift?"
"You don't remember?" Lily questioned, a frown marring her pale face. The haze around her pupils constricted. "But that's…? No…" She looked confused now, a sentiment that quickly turned to suspicion. "The earrings I bought. There'd be one for each twin."
Harry didn't bat an eyelid at her mention of twins, his focus wholly centred on the gift. Her comment however, caught me way off guard.
I frowned, a tad baffled.『 Is this another one of her delusions, or am I missing a piece of this puzzle? 』
"Please give them to me." My brother requested, uncaring for how he sounded. Ignoring the blatant suspicion written across her face. I could feel his desire burn. "I'll make sure they get them."
Harry wanted this gift, badly. Enough to completely violate the integrity of the facade he had decided to put up for her benefit.
"Get them?" Lily asked, bewildered. "But… How?"
"Lily, I need you to trust me. Can you do that?" Harry said, playing further into his role as his father.
It was a risky wager.
I didn't like it, but I didn't voice my opposition to my brother. This was his decision to make; his mother to lie to.
"Yes." The woman replied firmly, her uncertainty deserting her.
"Then give them to me, I promise I'll get it to them."
"Okay…" Lily agreed, looking somewhat hesitant, and thoroughly confused with my brother's statement.
A sad comprehension suddenly dawned on her pale face. She looked across at my brother sympathetically.
It felt hugely ironic that the clinically addled woman sitting in front of us was staring at Harry as if he were the one who was in her position. Lily's line of thought made me question whether she should even be here in the first place.
Delusions aside, there seemed to be nothing wrong with her comprehension or cognition. Was Lily's condition really worth her decade of isolation?
The woman got to her feet clumsily, before retreating back into the confines of the bed curtains and returning a moment later with a small wooden box in hand.
"Here, James." Lily pressed the object into his hands, staring down at him as if she were about to cry. "Take good care of them, okay?"
"I will." Murmured Harry, gazing at the box. "I swear it."
"This… Is the first time you've admitted I was right about having twins," Lily said softly, kneeling next to him. "Thank you, truly."
Harry hid his shock well, but I could feel his surprise at her words.
『 That makes far more sense. It would explain why I never heard them talk about this. 』I thought, my curiosity growing.『 So it may not be a delusion after all. But then how did she know of me? 』
The answer was right in front of me; plain and obvious.
Magic - it was the only explanation.
Assuming, of course, this wasn't just another fantasy borne of her extensive torture at the hands of Lestrange. If Lily was confused enough to misrecognise her son as her husband, then it was certainly possible.
However, I suspected that was due to a combination of her poor eyesight and the selective denial of her husband's death, more than anything else.
No, even that still didn't make sense.
Why would she deny James' death and accept ours?
Why not accept both - Or neither?
It didn't seem right.
"I think you should name the second." Said Lily, taking Harry's hands in her own. "I was waiting… Waiting for you to realise the truth - Even after..." She broke off, shaking her head, a pained look flashing across her face. The green haze fluctuated, a sudden look of confusion flashing across her face.
My brother started, ripping his eyes away from the box to look back into his mother's eyes. Observant as he was, Harry missed the instability that hid behind Lily's eyes.
Or maybe he didn't want to accept it as reality.
"Are you sure?" He asked her, projecting his confusion across our link.
I sent him a genuine whirl of confusion back, acting as if I didn't understand why she had said something like that in the first place.
I expected the woman to deny my existence, not confirm it. I would have preferred it that way. It would have made far more sense.
"I named Harry," Lily said, her tone resolute. "It's only fair you name his brother."
"A-Alright." Agreed Harry, somewhat reluctantly. "Artemis then. That'll be his name."
「 Thanks Dad. 」I said.
My brother cracked a smile at that, restrained as it was.
Anything to alleviate this awful tension.
Our mother smiled with a radiant warmth; so unshakeably happy was she with my brother's words.
She stared into his eyes, her intense gaze containing every bit of love I knew Harry had always craved, right from day one.
He accepted it with open arms - Even as twisted as he knew it was.
I could feel his need to pretend. To pretend that she could see him for who he was. If only for the moment.
"Thank you James. I love you so, so much. Never forget that."
Harry's feelings of contentment deadened, forcibly reminded of the charade of his father that he was playing under. The love in her eyes seemed even less genuine to him now.
He swallowed, hard - Something that Lily, again, noticed; and again, misunderstood.
'I can't keep this up, can I?'
My brother withdrew, ashamed by the brief vulnerability he had allowed himself. He let out a cracked, heartbroken smile in response to her words.
'Don't cry.' He whispered inwardly, repeating the phrase like a mantra, struggling to keep his face free of sorrow. 'I shouldn't let her see me cry. Not when she's like this.'
Lily reached up a hand and caressed the side of my brother's head, her fingers intertwining with his short curly hair. To his surprise, and my shocked disgust, the woman slowly reached forward and planted soft a kiss onto his lips.
Harry's eyes widened in alarm, his sorrow forgotten. He shuddered unhappily, but didn't move to push her away.
'I… Ugh. She looks so…' My brother closed his eyes in denial, as if he were trying to escape the reality that lay in front of him. 'Happy.'
I could feel him on the brink of tears once more.
At that moment, I recognised the fact that he was just as broken as she was. My presence in his mind had helped, sure… Maybe. But I definitely hadn't solved anything.
He had never fully healed from his abandonment, I recognised that now.
I could guess the thoughts rushing through his head, how he was justifying not fighting back. I knew him well enough for that at least.
Harry didn't want this. But he desperately wanted her to accept him, so much so that he wasn't going to refute her actions.
He wanted to be with her. And he wanted her to be happy too.
He didn't want to tell her that her husband had died a decade ago. That she wasn't kissing her James. That the child she was kissing was her son.
It would break her. Completely.
More than she already was.
There wouldn't be anything left.
His docile obedience and willingness to blend in with his role was sickening to watch.
His mother's delusions were sickening to watch.
The way Lily was abusing the power she held over him was terrible. Even if she had no idea know what she was doing.
『 Why the fuck is McGonagall not here to stop this? 』I thought, cursing for the first time in what felt like a year.
Lily was so disillusioned with the world around her that she was kissing her son, believing him to be his father. And he was just taking it in fear of her rejection.
I couldn't even bring myself to feel disgusted. I didn't even feel like I had the right to break this up, despite how wrong it was.
They were both so awfully broken. Both so unbelievably lonely.
The kiss eventually deepened, and it became too much for me to stand by any longer.
「 Enough Harry! 」I said, my magical presence surging. I pushed the woman away from Harry violently, breaking all physical contact they had. I felt a flicker of Lily's magic respond, instinctually shielding her from harm.「 This is wrong and you know it. Don't ever do that again. I don't care if she hates you for it. 」
Harry wiped his mouth and nodded shamefully, averting his eyes from the surprised Lily. My brother's mind was filled with a mix of guilty relief.
With a sinking feeling, I dug deeper; uncovering that its majority was aimed at the hurt now contained within Lily's eyes, rather than the fact he had just let something like that happen.
I pulled myself away from his mind. I didn't even want to look at him anymore. I couldn't. This whole situation felt like my fault.
I had promoted his independence of thought above all else, comforting him only when I had to. My actions had led to this profound longing for connection, if only in part.
"James? Are you angry with me? What did I do?" The woman asked, confused, the innocent, cheerful smile slowly dropping off of her face.
This… Hurt to watch. I couldn't even imagine how Harry felt right now.
"Hey, no, it's okay," Harry replied, quickly moving forward to console her. "I'm not cross with you, I promise."
Lily froze in place, her smile fully vanishing now. She looked at Harry in betrayal, horror-struck. Her eyes began to water.
『 Not good. 』I thought abruptly, recalling McGonagall's earlier warning.
"Mum?" Harry said, alarmed. "What's wrong?"
Tears began cascading down Lily's cheeks, and her whole frame began to shake.
"I-I d-don't-" She muttered, her breath hitching. The woman brought up her trembling hands to her face, touching the stream of glistening tears with her fingertips. "I can't. Ah. I'm- I'm sorry. P-please, t-torture me."
"Mum?!" Harry said, forgetting his emotional turmoil, utterly aghast. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around Lily's quivering body tightly. "Art? What the fuck is going on?" He asked me, worry leaking into his tone.
She withered under his touch, desperately trying to escape from his grasping hands. Being only ten, and very small for his age, Harry stood no chance at keeping her under control.
「 You ignored McGonagall's warning. 」I muttered, reopening our link, gladdened by the distraction.「 I think she's having a panic attack. 」
『 'CR' - It's the first syllable of the Cruciatus curse. She's having this kind of reaction even after a decade? I think I understand the isolation now - Jesus Christ… 』
"Fuck." The boy bit out, reaching out a hand once more.
Lily shuffled around on the carpet, stumbling backwards and crawling toward the bed, her eyes shaking with fear. She kept mumbling that same pleading phrase, completely and utterly terrified.
Her eyes had fallen back into being glassy and unfocused, the tiny spark of coherence she had displayed earlier dwindling back into a maddened disarray.
The emerald-coloured haze swirled around the whites of Lily's eyes.
Her terror-induced seizure was a terrible reminder to Harry that Lily Potter, his only mother, was gone from this world.
This damaged, unstable shell, was all that remained.
My brother let her go, utterly devastated.
Harry knew he had caused this, and he understood that he couldn't do a thing about it. It was far too late for apologies now.
The boy stood up, whispering a quiet goodbye to the sobbing, pleading, heartbroken-looking Lily, before turning around and staggering out of the room.
Harry barely managed to shut the red-coloured door behind him before his facade well and truly cracked. He slumped back against the closed door, slowly sinking down to the ground below.
His vision blurred.
The boy slowly pulled up his knees and started crying down into his crossed arms. He clenched the wooden box held in his right hand tightly, knuckles whitening.
"F-uuck!" He hissed, tears spilling down his cheeks; the first letter of the curse rolling off of his tongue venomously. "It's all my fault. I should've done better. I should've remembered McGonagall's warning." He cried, his voice escalating. "I can't- Fuck!"
「 Harry- 」I murmured, getting cut off by his next, shouted question.
"Who did this to her? Who did this to Lily!?"
I didn't answer him. Telling him did not seem like a good idea. It hadn't been the first time she had asked either.
"Answer me!" He shouted, his broken voice echoing across the empty corridor. It was a miracle that nobody heard him.
I could have said I didn't know. I could have made up any number of excuses not to tell him.
But I didn't.
I told him a name.
Caving to his demands was unlike me, especially so when they could result in his endangerment.
But I felt guilty for not stopping that awful kiss the moment it began.
This would be my penance to him.
This was my justification.
My brother shook with rage. "Bellatrix Lestrange," Harry repeated, tasting the woman's name on his tongue.
He didn't even bother trying to wipe away his tears anymore. The boy brought up his hands to his face, painfully digging his stubby nails into his forehead. He cried into the palms of his hands angrily.
"I'm going to destroy her Art. I will. There won't be a single thing left on this Earth that she loves by the time I am done with her. Then I'll kill her myself. With my own two hands. No fucking magic."
I listened quietly to Harry as he cried dark vows of revenge while he sat in that hallway.
He sounded so fucking,『 Damaged. 』
My brother's anger slowly morphed into denial, then sorrow, and finally, revulsion.
It was horrible to watch.
I felt so undeniably responsible.
"Art," Harry whispered. "Lily, she-" The boy stopped talking, his throat locking up due to his overwhelming sense of disgust. "I feel so… So fucking dirty. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it happen. I know it's wrong and I did it anyway. I'm so sorry." He finished, practically having to force the words from his lips, his voice hoarse.
「 So am I. 」I replied, trying and failing to keep my tone unreadable.
『 I could have stopped it. I could have stopped all of this. 』I cringed, an even worse thought flashing across my mind.『 But not just that. 』
A horribly familiar feeling of disappointment curled its way to the forefront of my psyche.
I felt disgusted, but not only with my brother's sickening family dynamic. Not even fully with the fact I could have stopped the kiss immediately, had I not been so indecisive.
No. It aimed at something else entirely. Something I felt far more strongly about.
Only now starting to realise just how privileged I had been in my former life.
This truth was something Harry would have to deal with for the rest of his life.
His mother was thoroughly deranged and completely lost from reality. She was utterly insane - to the point where he might have been better off if she had died instead.
Harry had no real family - Lily and I hardly counted.
He had no true friends, and no resources available to him. Nothing.
He lived in a damn orphanage for heaven's sake - No matter how nice the matron might be.
My presence in Harry's mind could hardly hold a candle to the vast unfeeling darkness this boy found himself in.
This little child was enduring a terrible situation; far nastier than anything that had ever happened to me - In both my lifetimes.
I let out an uncontrollable, self-abasing laugh.
Then another. And another.
I couldn't stop it once it started. My mind shook from my own wretched laughter.
I really had given up too easily, hadn't I?
It wasn't the first time the thought had crossed my mind. But it felt more real now. This meeting with Lily had just confirmed it for me.
I had given up too easily.
Killed myself because I couldn't see any other option? In such a forgiving situation?
It felt so… Distasteful. So… Shameful.
This boy of ten was far stronger than I had ever been.
『 But is that really surprising though? 』I thought, spiralling.
Maybe our circumstances weren't comparable. Maybe we were in two very different environments. It didn't feel like the logical thing to do; to compare our situations.
And yet… It confirmed my innate feelings of worthlessness.
Was Harry giving up?
No.
The thought hadn't even crossed his mind. Not yet at least.
I felt ashamed. Bitter, that I had thrown away what I now recognised to be an exceptionally privileged life; one that Harry, and many others, would have probably traded their own for in a heartbeat.
And yet, despite the shame I felt, despite everything… I didn't regret what I had done.
If I could, I would not go back and change my decision; even if by some miracle, the opportunity arose.
Even if I didn't get reincarnated again.
…
My laughter died.
Why could I not bring myself to regret it?
『 What am I even doing then? 』I thought emptily.『 If this is how I feel about things, then why am I even still alive? 』
A bitter amusement worked its way across my psyche.
『 Right… I can't leave. Even if I wanted to. 』
I paused, dullly surprised at how hollow my reasoning felt.
That justification didn't feel right somehow.
…
Of course. It was the only new factor in this fucking equation.
The reason I wasn't wallowing in despair like I had done before; even after another, far more restrictive decade of imprisonment.
Magic.
I wanted it… Wanted to learn it. To use it. To own it.
If only to see if I felt any differently after mastering it.
Maybe then I would feel fulfilled again. Maybe then I would feel the carefree happiness I had in my youth.
Maybe the pursuit of perfection would be enough to keep me going.
If only for a bit longer.
…
『 If only I had a body. 』I spat, my anger growing at an uncontrollable rate.『 Then at least, I would be able to know my answer. 』
The weak wandless magic I had access to wasn't enough for me anymore. I wanted something new. Something I would probably never have.
Something that was just barely out of my reach.
Like always.
A familiar instability began prickling at the edge of my mind.
It was my outrage. A feeling that had been festering for my entire fucking life.
Even in death, I had just traded one prison for another. Only this time it was far worse than the former.
『 Why can I never gain the freedom I desire?! Why can I never get what I want?! 』
Maybe this reincarnation was karmic. A means to an end, to teach me humility. To show me the full extent of what I had thrown away.
『 Well fuck that. 』
The tips of Harry's curly hair began to float upwards, contrasting the odd sense of pressure that now bore down on the surrounding area. The clean tiled flooring surrounding us trembled.
The sudden force drew me back to the present.
I realised it was my doing. My magic.
Ah.
This was… Something new.
My brother didn't notice a thing - He was too busy wallowing in his grief.
I listened to the sobs wracking Harry's frame.
My magical presence vanished.
The maddening wrath that was needling at the edges of my mind smoothed out into ice, leaving behind an unnatural apathy in its wake.
Anger was worthless to me now. As was just about everything I was capable of.
I shouldn't be wallowing in self-pity while my brother was like this.
I stewed away behind my brother's crying eyes silently, keeping our connection tightly closed.
No stray thoughts or feelings slipped through - On either end.
Only silence remained.
I could no longer feel his emotions, and he in turn, had not a chance of feeling mine.
I didn't want my mental instability to reach my brother. Not when we were so closely linked.
I didn't want to damage him with my burdens.
Not while Harry still had hope of being normal.
I spent the next few minutes trying to distract myself by attempting to recreate that same magical pressure, but to no avail.
I felt a flicker of frustration at my failed attempts. That strange feeling of power eluded me.
But that was fine.
I had time.
I had all the time in the world.
For now… This was something I could work towards.
✽ ✽ ✽
〘 A/N: Depressing right? Well, it isn't getting better from here - though it does get far more interesting. 〙