LISA
When I told Sonia I had a story to tell, I really didn't know what to say. I've read and watched some documentaries relating to our situation and I saw how the therapist or guardian related in such instance. They always had a story to tell.
I looked up, envisioning God there and sighed.
*don't think about what to say. I'll help you*
I smiled and started.
"All my life I'd always had love, from my dad and mum. I never lacked anything I wanted. We were financially stable and okay, until my dad died. We were still very young. Helen was 10 and I was 6. Ever since then, it seemed like I lost something great. I lost my father's love. My mum tried to make up for my dad's absence in my life, but it really wasn't enough. I kept craving for a Father's Love. Helen actually became a Christian shortly before she left for college and she had this glow on her. It was unexplainable. She seemed happy, even the times when mum didn't really show her care and love, Helen glowed. She'd always been lucky. I longed to reach out to her, and ask how she's holding up. But I was too proud. I sought for love from outsiders.." I paused and sniffled. Sonia squeezed my hand, knowing fully well how hard this was, for me to say.
"Well, let's just say that's how I met Ryan, and had you. I've had no regrets whatsoever. The only regret I have was not loving you, as a good mother should"
"But mum..." Sonia started, but I hushed her.
"No Sonia. I see how Helen relates with her daughters and how the other women in church take real care of their children as well, and I realized I didn't really do well in the mothering aspects"
"Me either" Sonia said and we both laughed, with tears in our eyes.
"Listen mum" She said. "Everyone has their own way of parenting, and you've always been a strong woman. You still are. I wish I was as strong as you are" She said painfully.
"Honey, what makes you think you aren't strong?" I asked.
"A strong woman would have been able to hold on to her own child, and be there for her. I did the exact opposite. How does that make me strong mum?"
I sighed.
I'd been avoiding this conversation ever since Sonia came back. I really didn't know how to even broach the subject.
It really was something we needed to gather together to discuss. Of course, there was absolutely no way Sonia and Ben could be together because of the fact that they were siblings, but they'd sure arrange a shared custody or something.
I sent a short prayer to God for help at that moment on what to say to my daughter.
"First of all, Sonie darling, take a deep breath and acknowledge that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel lost and uncertain. That's a normal part of life, and it doesn't mean you've failed. You haven't failed me, neither have you failed Catherine. I'm not justifying your actions, but I ain't going to condemn it either because it was for a just cause.
Remember when you were a little girl, and you would fall down while learning to walk? You'd cry, but then you'd get back up, dust yourself off, and try again. That's exactly what you need to do now.
You haven't lost Catherine; that I'm sure of. Now that you're back, we'd find a way to arrange a shared custody with Ben, so you can be in Catherine's life.
You've always been a strong and resilient person, and I know you can get through this. But you need to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you can't do it alone. I'm here for you, and even your aunt Helen. She said she'd be coming by tomorrow to see you"
As I finished talking, I looked at Sonia and she had this calm relaxed feeling on her face.
""Mom, I don't even know where to start. Your words mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I've been feeling so lost and alone, like I'm just drifting through life without any direction or purpose.
I know I've been beating myself up over not having my life together, but you're right - I don't have to have it all figured out. I just need to take things, with Catherine, one step at a time and trust that everything will work out.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm loved and valued, no matter what. That means more to me than you'll ever know"
"I love you Sonie" I said to her.
"I love you too mum, and I've missed you so much" She said and hugged me.
"So, what do you think I should do first concerning Catherine?"
"Take things one step at a time. You're going to have to meet with Ben first. He's pretty angry at you, very very angry. He hasn't really gotten over your leaving just like that. Of course he's gonna wanna know if you're here to stay, before he can let you into Catherine's life. He's her father and he loves her unconditionally. You're going to have to win his trust back, if you want to get to know your daughter" I took my time explaining all these to Sonia. I knew it sounded harsh, but the truth needed to be told.
I looked at her. She seemed distraught and so I rubbed her shoulders.
"Parenting is easy - or at least Catherine simplifies it for us" I smiled, when I saw how that lightened Sonia's face.
"I'll go prepare us something to eat. I'm craving fried rice, with chicken breast. I don't know about you" I said standing up.
"I'd love to eat too, and mum..."
I turned to look at her.
"I'd love to visit Ben tomorrow. Would that be okay?" She asked, and I nodded.
"Yeah that'll be perfect. I'd suggest you go directly to his office instead of his house"
I added, knowing fully well that there was a high chance she could meet Olive, Ben's girlfriend, and I wouldn't want to put my daughter through that heartbreak.
"Thank you mum" She said and went back to her bedroom.
Shortly after, Ben called to say he's taken the kids out to the park. I figured that was actually a perfect idea because I really didn't want Sonia to meet him unawares. It's going to be very awkward and I wouldn't also want that kind of atmosphere around Catherine.