"Excuse me."
Savannah straightened in her chair at the sound of a male's voice that tapped lightly on her classroom door. Tapping the stack of papers against her desk, settling them into a neat pile, she placed them down to compose her racing heart.
Standing from her chair, Savannah took in the timid gaze that peered at her from the threshold.
The man's eyes slowly scanned the room before locking eyes with her. His dirty-blond hair swayed with the subtle movements that framed his defined features. He was average in looks, but handsome nonetheless. If she hadn't met Asmodeus, she would have taken everything in. The natural streaks of brighter blond that peaked through his short hair, down to the small sheepish smile on his face that curved upward that would entice anyone to stare at.
Yet she had met Asmodeus, and now she compared every man she walked by to him.
He was like a small puddle she would have missed while her feet made their way to the ocean-captivated by its transcendental beauty.
None seemed to compare to Asmodeus, except a few of his brothers. They were all too good-looking to be walking the Earth and she couldn't help but wonder what made Asmodeus even ask for her hand to dance.
Ridding those thoughts from her mind, she turned her attention back to the man in her classroom. Given she wasn't expecting anyone else, but not wanting to assume and make a fool of herself, she asked the responsible question. "Can I help you?"
The man walked further into her room with cautious steps. He seemed new, and it reminded her of when she started teaching.
"Uh, yes. I'm Wilfred. The student teacher. I hope this is the right room. Mr. Homer told me 214."
"You're in the right room." She laughed lightly, moving toward Wilfred and held her hand out. "I'm Savannah Adler. The teacher you'll be assisting for the next few months."
Wilfred grasped her hand in a firm greeting with a smile. "It's a pleasure, Ms. Adler."
Her hand dropped back to her side when he let go. It felt weird having someone who looked close to her age call her Ms. "Just Savannah is fine when there's no students. I'm not your teacher...or boss for that matter."
That small smile reappeared on his face. "I didn't want to disrespect your space since I'm interrupting the way you work."
"Oh, no." Savannah's eyebrows creased together, nicking the bud of unease she saw grow in his eyes. "I would honestly prefer you to call me by my name, rather than what my-well, our, students would call me. Though, to the students, it would be Ms. Adler. Just as they would call you Mr..."
She didn't know his last name. John Homer, the Principle of the high school had somehow forgot to tell her that when he informed her of the late news that arrived.
"Beauregard. Wilfred Beauregard. I apologize. I didn't realize John had not informed you of everything."
Savannah waved a hand with a smile, brushing off the apology since it wasn't his fault. "You're fine. It must have slipped John's mind, that's all."
Turning on her heel, she turned to the desk that she, and with the help of the janitor, placed on the other side of her own and glanced at the clock. She had an hour before the students would be getting off the bus and swarming the hallways. Not a lot of time to get him fully settled, but enough to go over everything briefly.
"Well, we have some time before the day starts, but I did get a desk set up for you-" Savannah gestured to the desk beside hers- "to work at and have a place for the students to come up and ask you anything about the subjects once you get more comfortable. I can go over what I had planned for this year, and answer any questions you have in that time."
"You didn't have to do all that, M-Savannah. I wouldn't have minded a chair and using my notebook for a while to get used to the way you teach."
Savannah's eyes widened at his statement. "I couldn't allow you to do that. It really isn't a problem. You'll be more comfortable having a desk that you can get used to."
"Thank you," Wilfred said. He scanned the room as he stepped further in, taking longer as he took everything in she had placed around the room.
Pride. That feeling swelled inside her chest as Wilfred took in the room with a look of admiration. It was one thing she couldn't pass up. Knowing she helped the next generation grow into who they wanted to be and make memories that would shape their future into something wonderful.
She took pride in her classroom, making it a place her students felt comfortable, but went along with what they were learning in a fun, yet informative way.
Savannah backed up to her desk and leaned against the edge. She wanted Wilfred to soak in whatever seemed to be on his mind before she interrupted whatever was going through his mind.
It wasn't long before his gaze swept over to hers. His eyes held more knowledge than she thought, yet it held so much uncertainty that Savannah wondered what he had gone through to gain that."So, what's it like being a teacher?"
She forced a small smile on her face and answered, "it's amazing. When you get to know the kids and what works for them, they really love to learn. It makes teaching that much more easier, but it's also fun. For me, and for them. It's a lot more different than the classes make them seem, as you must know."
Wilfred eyes darted away, coming back to meet her eyes just as quickly. They didn't hold the same gleam of brightness they had a second ago. "Yeah. Can't say they did their best to keep everyone's interest."
Savannah knew all to well how that felt. She had her fair share of teachers that went on pointlessly, dragging a class out and going over something in a way that even put her to sleep. They all had been taken as a lesson of what not to do and altered it into what she does now; a way for kids to engage students to learn that held their interest.
Thought, there were the select few those methods didn't work on.
"Take a seat." Savannah gestured to the desk for him.
It was almost a giddy feeling that bubbled in her chest as she watched Wilfred's smile spread across his face, brightening his hazel eyes. To see another person so full of life and ready to give their all to something they devoted their time and effort into, was akin to how she wanted to feel again; alive.
Able to breathe the air that didn't feel tainted with every thought that plagued her.
Free in the choices that squandered her everyday as if they were a task to fulfill for a purpose not within sight, but praised and spoken by an unseen deity from words on pages.
Wilfred gave off an air of refreshment that she had only felt when she read Asmodeus texts nowadays. A feeling she couldn't explain that settled over her; like a warmth of clarity, sucking her further into the comforts of normality-the familiarity of a routine that she had known, but lost, only to find it again in small doses.
Guilt was a fickle thing, gnawing and sinking it's claws deep in until you knew it was there and unable to let it go. It ate away at her knowing it took meeting a stranger to help slowly give her a ledge to stand on. Neither one of her parents knew why she was slowly coming back together, but they never pried either, and she wasn't sure if that made any of it better or worse. Rachael and Max only beamed anytime they talked, as if they knew the reason and were elated by that fact.
There was little that impressed her nowadays, yet watching as Wilfred absorbed everything she said like a sponge had a small effect on the part of her that felt as if maybe everything would be okay. Not in that moment. Maybe not even the next or the following week. But at some point.
Maybe that small ray of light would shine brighter in the depths of the void one day.
It didn't take as long as Savannah had thought it would to go quickly go over the curriculum. Wilfred seemed to have easily took everything in that it only made her more excited to see how he would flourish when he got more comfortable in the room and standing in front of the class.
The remainder of their time was left with her asking about himself. She had learned he was an only child-something she related to up until Arielle moved in. He moved away from his family for a fresh start from out of state. Teaching had become a passion since he was in school when he had trouble learning and he wanted to return the favor a teacher had given him. Wilfred wanted to make that same difference when he grew older-a calling from God as he called it. A greatness he felt he was sure to excel in.
Even when Savannah was afraid to ask, she asked him about his faith and the devotion he had toward it. Whether she asked because he was a third-party that had no idea what she had gone through or because she had guilt for even doubting the faith was something she wouldn't know. Wilfred was a devoted Christian that believed everything had a reason and a path paved before them that they were supposed to follow that lead to Heaven.
And Savannah had been the same way. Devoted with every waking moment and air that she breathed to the point it was all she knew. She had put everything into God's belief's and lived the way she knew He would have wanted.
Yet, it hadn't felt like enough lately. Every moment was one question after another. Berating herself to not question His beliefs and ways. Who was she to say He was wrong? A mere twenty-five-year-old woman to God; who had lived for thousands of years. She knew nothing compared to Him.
It took Savannah everything she had to push aside the questions that barged their way to the forefront of her mind, questioning their beliefs toward Wilfred.
They were her burdens.
Not his.
Savannah quickly changed the topic and asked about the teacher that helped him during school. He either didn't notice or seem to mind the abrupt change as she tried to ease him into making sure that he would be teaching just as she would be for him to get the feel of the class better without feeling like she threw him to the wolves from the get-go. Wilfred seemed adamant about keeping what she did the same, but she didn't yield. She knew how troublesome it could be not to be able to stand in front of a class and teach something they would listen to. It took time, patience, and sheer-will to stand in front of teenagers that hated to sit there and listen to what they thought was nonsense half the time.
Savannah wanted Wilfred to thrive in what he seemed to love to do. Because she saw the way he lit up when he talked about teaching; he loved it. And that enthused her more as they continued to talk, and voices began to fill the hallway of the school.
۵
"See you Monday, Ms. Adler. Mr. Beauregard."
Savannah responded with the same smile she had plastered on her face since the first day of class that week. Their smiles and chatter never wavered from the happy tones that seemed to pass through her. She was glad to see something was untouched by everything that appeared to have gone wrong in her life. If there was ever something that resonated with the saying that there was light in the dark, one just had to find it; this was hers. It was among one of the most significant parts that kept her from falling apart and staying holed in her apartment.
As her classroom emptied, the weight of the day slowly eased some of the tension in her shoulders. The cheery voices and waves of goodbye had piled up throughout the day, and it drained her to put on a smile every time one of them asked her how she was.
Don't her wrong, she loved her students; they were bright, confident, and compassionate. But she would never burden them with how desolate she felt over what happened.
Her students didn't offer meaningless words and openly stared with eyes that felt like she would break at any moment. They were compassionate in regards to when not to give too much. It was something she gave back their first day-the time to chat and talk about their summers.
Teaching was that one minuscule bit of normalcy that she looked forward to. Kids-teenagers were unpredictable, rowdy, and loud, yet the ones that came through her classroom always held a smile every time they left, something she strived to achieve, but it seemed harder to plaster that smile that year.
A place that felt welcomed and appreciated, with everything at their grasp to look ahead of them and where they wanted to go in life when she had lost that. She clung to what Asmodeus was giving her because she knew it would end.
Ultimately, he was going to leave, and she'd have to trudge through the mess she avoided like the plague.
"Are you okay?"
Savannah turned to Wilfred.
His gaze pierced hers with worry. A stark difference from the bright, cheery man she saw throughout the week. Though she knew he wondered what happened when the kids gave her their condolences the first day. Most students were from the grade below what she taught, but she knew some from passing in the hallway, or the students that had friends in grades below them.
It didn't take long for word to get around the school with how many students were in it, even with the different cliche and niche groups. All different, yet there weren't many fights that broke out in their school.
"Hm?" She questioned, swallowing through the tightness in her throat.
Wilfred's eyebrows creased together. "You look as if you've gone through the motions this week. I know it's not my place to ask what it is... so I won't. I just want you to know that I'm here to listen whenever you need it, or not. Even if it's just someone that'll keep you company, even in the silence."
Savannah smiled softly, knowing there was no way to really dive into her problems with him. He was a great guy, even a great teacher-in-the-making, but he wasn't kidding when he said he was a devoted Christian. There was no way to even begin to scratch the surface on everything without feeling as if she would upset him and his views. It would only put a damper in their work relationship. "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Though, I think everything will be alright in time."
And she truly believed it would be. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, or the next month.
But one day everything would be fine.
"What are your plans for the weekend?" Wilfred was tidying up his desk from notes he made throughout the day-well, three days to be exact. Three whole days since school started and yet it had passed quicker than she thought it would. The days had dragged and bled together and it had been hard for her to tell which day it was without x-ing them off.
God, she felt like the worst teacher ever. Forgetting that it was already Friday when she woke up and the two day crushing weekend was upon her.
Coming to school and teaching gave her something to do. A way out of her mind and apartment that so many had been trying to get her to do. Even Asmodeus joined in with Max and Rachael's efforts that she began to wonder if he was some psychic who knew she rarely left, but she had finally agreed to meet up for that coffee.
The thought alone was enough to make her nervous as if she were already standing in front of Asmodeus.
She could cancel.
Going out meant seeing Arielle everywhere. The laughs they shared. The places they loved to frequent. The memories of her. And she was everywhere Savannah looked. There wasn't a place where she lived that didn't have her friend etched in her memory, digging it back up like a punch to her chest. It was hard to catch her breath when she went out. So she didn't. She avoided it all.
Was it healthy? No.
That was a given.
Did she care? Kind of.
She only delayed the inevitable, but she couldn't face it. She didn't think she was strong enough to do it.
Even now, Savannah wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation.
Maybe that was why she was unsure of meeting with Asmodeus tomorrow. Or maybe it was Sunday she wasn't looking forward to that made her anxious.
That was something else she didn't want to think about.
So, no. No, she couldn't cancel.
With a heavy weight that settled on her chest, she responded to Wilfred. "I don't have much planned. I'm just meeting up with a friend tomorrow, then relax and attend church Sunday. What about you?"
"Oh?" Wilfred's eyes lit up.
Savannah stilled as her heart beat against her chest. There was no reason to be nervous, but she felt as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn't have; even though she hadn't.
"What church do you attend? I haven't decided what one to attend service at yet, but I've heard of some good ones around here."
She didn't know which conversion she would have preferred to talk about, but in that moment, she would have taken talking about Asmodeus. At least in some way she could have wound Max's question into the equation if it meant not talking about which church she attended.
She was reading too much into it, wasn't she? There was no way he would be able to read her in a room full of other people in the pews to how much her devotion had changed... right?
Besides, he might not have even been in the same services she attended.
The only thing that made sense for everything that happened was a test. Some form of hardship that she had been chosen for and she wanted to do everything possible to complete it. She wanted to feel worthy of the place she sought after by following the path set before her.
But, God, it was tiring.
There were days she wanted to lie down and give in. Turn her head to the sky and scream as she questioned everything, demanding answers that she wasn't even sure she would receive back. She didn't think she would ever get her answers, but she felt like it would make her feel better. To let it all out. Get her frustrations out in the open instead of allowing them to linger under the surface and fester until she couldn't take it anymore. Was that what he wanted?
It almost didn't matter to her anymore. And yet she still clung to His ideals and hope of a better tomorrow.
The topic was a sore subject because she knew how much it meant to him. How incorporated into his life it was; just as it had been for her. Even she didn't know how she would sit through the service and not want to blurt out her questions and have her doubt in faith be known, possibly putting a wedge between their blossoming friendship relationship. "It's the United Methodist Church. It's off 281 that you can't miss it."
Wilfred's head tilted to the side, and his lips pursed in thought. "I looked into that one, but wasn't sure about it."
There wasn't much she could say other than how she remembered it; with a lie splashed in the middle. "I love it. The pastor is a great man who I've loved hearing the verses from since I was a little girl and the others who attend are amazing people."
The smile never left Wilfred's face, yet she saw the light leave his eyes a little. It tugged at the hollow feeling in her chest, trying to rip open the still-fresh wound that she had hoped was beginning to stop aching.
Did I say something to give it away? Nausea rolled in her gut. She felt the sweat form on the side of her head as she thought back to the words she spoke, but none of them seemed to indicate that she was in turmoil with her faith.
"It sounds wonderful. I hope I won't intrude if I come Sunday."
Savannah smiled softly, though she knew it didn't reach her eyes. "Oh, no. I'm sure you'll love it. They're all welcoming and would love to have you."
Wilfred's lips curled up slowly, the corner of his eyes not creasing in the slightest. Even his hazel eyes were dull in comparison to his usual airy expression. But he didn't say anything more, and she was grateful for that because the facade she wore had begun to wane.
The conversation turned back to idle talk as they finished going over what they would cover next week. Wilfred had done the majority of the planning. How to incorporate aspects that kept everything interesting quickly that even Savannah was slightly astonished, yet delighted that he had taken such a liking to teaching he put his all into it with such enthusiasm. It was almost discerning that she didn't have to repeat anything or help coordinate his way into the classroom as some student teachers had, but she loved having him there and being able to see him shine in her room with the students.
Savannah grabbed her cardigan, throwing it on quickly, and then slung her purse over her shoulder.
She wanted to enjoy the time she could leave slightly earlier while it lasted before it began to pick up, and she would either be stuck at her desk or bringing papers back to her apartment-which didn't sound bad, but it didn't give Wilfred much to do unless they split it and she would have felt bad not being able to help him if he needed it.
The last thing she wanted to do was seem like a failure at her job.
Savannah walked beside Wilfred, waving to a few other the teachers who left at the same time. The walk to the parking lot wasn't long before she came to a stop beside the drivers door to her deep blue GMC Acadia.
Opening the door to her vehicle, she turned slightly to face Wilfred who had parked beside her that day.
Wilfred stood next to the open door of his grey SUV and turned to her. "I'll see you Sunday, Savannah."
The corners of her mouth curved into a smile in return. "See you, Wilfred. Enjoy your weekend."
Savannah slid into the driver seat, letting out a breath of air once the door was closed and she watched Wilfred pull out.
She had to get herself together because not only was Wilfred attending Sunday, but her parents. The ones she truly did not want to disappoint in life. They had given her a life full of happiness and endless possibilities that she could do if she put her mind to it. She couldn't let them feel as if they raised her wrong, wondering where they went wrong when they never had.
It was just a bump in the path.
That was all it was.
If that path had a hole that she stepped into and fell flat on her face, leaving scrapes and bruises in its wake, that still hadn't healed. But she got back up, going forth until she hit the terrain with small bumps that she couldn't catch her footing and walked off her axis completely.
Yeah. Everything was fine.