Chapter 11
He hasn't asked me to. Could this be just a fling for him, just a lark? I didn't think so. But what about me? Sure it felt wonderful to have this sweet, delightful young man admire me. Was I leading him on? Was I being fair to him, making him think that I was in love with him?
I got on my knees and prayed. I asked God for guidance. But I knew that all the guidance that I needed was in the vows that I took when I became a nun. What I had to do was make up my mind as to what I wanted to do.
Did I want to spend the rest of my life in the Benedictine Order, teaching and living according to their rules? The rules and life that I had chosen and the life that I loved, or did I want to spend the rest of my life with Zack, as a wife and possibly a mother? I truly didn't know.
I continued to think about this and prayed, as I got ready for bed. I got into bed and I began to cry. Never before had I felt so conflicted. I was always so sure about what I wanted and how I would spend my life. Now???
I slept fitfully and woke up feeling very tired. But I got up and showered, it woke me up and I was feeling much better as I dressed and left the room. Again, I went to St. Sebastian's for mass and I prayed.
I knew what I should do. But, I had to make up my mind. Did I want Zack or the Order. I really wasn't sure. Then it hit me, once again I thought, was I reading too much into Zack's actions toward me. I didn't think so, but I really didn't know.
After the service was finished and I was leaving the church, I stopped to speak to the parish priest. He was a jovial older man who gave me a wonderful welcome, even before I told him that I was a nun. We spoke about St. Louis and he told me that I couldn't go back to New Mexico without visiting the Arch. "It's truly a marvel and the view is to die for."
I went back to the hotel and saw Zack sitting with some of the symposium officials. They were having breakfast. They looked like they wanted something from Zack, as they were looking a bit stressed and watched Zack with hope.
I met Margaret and we had breakfast. We talked about the conference, the symposium and how they just seemed to coincide. It seems that a lot of math teachers and professors and engineers were married or had significant others attending one or the other. It was so much easier to have the two groups together. This way both could go and it saved money for the attendees.
After we finished breakfast, again Margaret paid, I went and sat in the lobby. I was only there for a few minutes, when Zack came over. I immediately got up and we walked out of the hotel.
It was a warm day and we walked to the small park a few blocks away. We found a bench and sat. Zack took my hands in his and kissed my fingertips. He was making it look like he was tasting them, smacking his lips and saying "delicious."
He then sat back and smiled at me. I leaned over to him, put my hands on the side of his face, pulled him to me and softly kissed him. We held the kiss for a long time, it was soft and loving.
He moved close to me and we talked. He told me that he was asked to do a question and answer session. He had set it up for Thursday, when I was having the panel discussion. I was sorry that I wouldn't be able to see him, but we would both be busy at the same time.
I mentioned that I wanted to see the Arch, so we walked there. Zack insisted that we ride to the top and see the sights. He had his camera with him and of course it was a digital. "It can take thousands of pictures and you will have to look at them all," he laughed.
As it was a Tuesday afternoon there was no one there. We were the only people in the elevator and there was only one other couple in the room at the top. We looked out the observation windows, with Zack taking pictures.
The views were fantastic, looking over the city and the Mississippi River. Zack really got excited when an old paddle wheel ship came by.
He set the camera on a ledge and put it on the timer and he came over to me and put his arm around me as the camera flashed. He set it up again and when he came over to me I grabbed him and mashed my lips against his. The camera flashed and I giggled, "See if it came out okay. If not we can keep trying until we get it right.
Zack didn't even look at the picture, he just set the timer again and said, "It's no good, we have to try again."
We had to repeat the shot about ten times, when we finally got it right. Well, it was sort of decided for us, as an elevator of people came up and about a hundred kids got out. We took the next elevator down.
We walked back to the hotel hand in hand. I wanted to attend some talks in the afternoon, as did Zack, so after lunch we went to our respective talks.
Two of the three talks were great the other not so. But I did enjoy all of them and was glad for the time I spent there.
I met Zack at four o'clock. We went to our rooms and changed. I wanted to be in something a bit fancy, for dinner. We were going to go to dinner at a restaurant that Margaret recommended. When we arrived we met the director of the symposium.
He was elated to see Zack and made a big thing of telling me how Zack saved his hide by agreeing to do the Question/Answer session on Thursday. We had a very enjoyable dinner. They wanted us to join them at a party they were going to, but I looked at Zack and I knew that he wanted to be with me, not going to a party. He wanted to be with me alone. This is what I also wanted.
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