(Astrid POV)
As I walked back to the packhouse after the fight with Kael, Rose was silent. That left me alone with my own thoughts and feelings, which I appreciated. I needed time to process.
I do not understand what just happened, much less why it happened, and I definitely do not know how to feel about the whole thing.
On one hand, my heart feels broken. Shattered, really.
Despite Kael's comments to the contrary, I have never wanted or expected to be mated to him. In fact, if you had asked me yesterday to give you a list of ten males that I would be happy to be mated to, Kael would not have been on the list. Heck, he probably would not have made a list of twenty males either.
At the same time, I had always dreamed of being with my mate, and Kael was…
Uuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh.
Him?
I have fantasized about finding my mate since I was young, perhaps as early as 8 or 9 years old. I think all werewolves do, do they not? At least the females?
For me, I thought finding my mate would mean finding someone who would love me, and who would treat me as though I was important. I longed for that… especially after my world was flipped upside down after Stephanie died.
Until this morning, I could only imagine what it would feel like to be loved and appreciated by a mate.
Now, thanks to the short encounter with Kael, it is no longer something that I have to imagine. I now know very well what it feels like to be looked at with love, and what it feels like to be treated as though you are important and valuable.
It is a cruel twist of fate that I now know what it feels like, because the look in Kael's eyes was not for me.
Kael thought he was looking at my sister. How I wish that I had never seen the look of love in Kael's eyes. After all, if I had not seen the look in his eyes, I would not know what I lost when he realized who I really was.
Meanwhile, do not even get me started on that kiss. It was my first kiss… not in six years but ever. I desperately wish that I did not know how good it felt to kiss Kael. Then my body would not be craving him right now, begging for me to turn around, run back to him, and wrap myself in his arms.
Just the fact that my body craves Kael right now makes me angry. No, not just angry. I feel angry, bitter, and thirsty for revenge. I also feel desperate to prove to Kael, my parents, and everyone else in…
I do not like feeling this way. I would almost prefer the heartache over the anger.
Of course, it may not matter that much. I am unlikely to get revenge any time soon. One of the biggest barriers to getting revenge and proving everyone wrong is that no one believes that I am me.
I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that so many pack members, including my own f—-ng mate, have not recognized me. I was just here for Stephanie's birthday memorials around nine months ago.
Why did I not have these troubles back then? Surely I have not changed that much in nine months.
"You have changed more than you realize, Astrid. It is not so much how you look, but how you carry yourself. Nine months ago, you looked down and did not dare to look anyone in the eye. You dressed in baggier clothing. You acted timid and scared. You carry yourself differently now because you are much stronger. You may not realize it, but it impacts how the wolves around you perceive you."
"Whoa — what are you doing listening to my internal thoughts, Rose? You know that it creeps me out when you do that, especially without telling me. Common courtesy is that we do not listen to one another's thoughts without permission."
"I know, and I am sorry, Astrid, but after the letter you wrote to the Moon Goddess and what happened with Kael back there, I was worried about you. You have made so much progress since we went to medical school in Red Rock. I do not want to see you begin to doubt yourself again. You are a wonderful human, and I am lucky that the Moon Goddess decided to pair us together."
I wipe a tear from my eye. It is the first one that I have let fall since I realized that Kael was my mate.